I am very much dreading the calls I have to make tomorrow. I am fairly certain there is no way to stop the electronic payment supposed to go through Monday night that will put my bank account negative. The next fight is with Citimortgage trying to get them to change the new payment conditions, which include a $400 raise of the payment and a 3 week eariler due date. I mean, I would like to pay something, but there is no way I can pay 400 more than what I can barely pay now. So...I will go through the process of having to explain my situation to 3 different people before I finally get to the right office where I will get to leave a message for the guy that never called me back last week. Well, on his message it says to not leave repeated messages. I think I will just try to go over his head tomorrow...got no time to keep dancing with him. I am still trying to get Carpet Giant out to fix the freaking wood floor also.
I've decided I feel embaressed for my kids to see me like this. Cait and B bring friends over and it is awkward. I feel bad that I can't take them to do stuff and that I have to fight what's going on the inside so they don't see me completely deflated. With the series of events/circumstances of the past week, few days and coming weeks...I have felt like I haven't felt since before I left the house last May. I was depressed last Spring. The Spring semester was filled with ex's mental hospital stays, my discovering her activities and not confronting her, her issues at school and the legal issues there, knowing she had seen a divorce lawyer, my ultimate confrontation of her and her secrets and the plan to leave her.
I suppose some of that stuff is chronicled here, but I have reached such levels of frustration in so many areas. One of the biggest is being such a mental/emotionally liability to my friends. I think about writing stuff down to try to get part of it out of my head, but I catch myself thinking ....man...people are tired of reading about you being down. I'm like, man...I'm tired of being down. Having the kids for a whole week is really stressful because I worry about not being able to take care of them. Anyway, all I can deal with right now is tomorrow...can't deal with looking any futher ahead. Going to the Dentist tomorrow also, and how sad that that will prolly be one of the highlights of my day.
Caitlin and her friend are sleeping here tonight, and her room is directly above my room. Sounds like they are tossing bricks back and forth. My little girl is so beautiful and grown up looking. She went to the store with me Saturday when they got here. She would always go here and there with me. I feel like I've lost her. A close friend told me to just keep talking to her, so I do that when ever I can. She just came in and was snuggling with me. I had gotten her some books and another present for Christmas, so I gave her that stuff. Apologized to her for the way things are, and got as many hugs and kisses as I could. Crying sitting here now writing about it. I wonder if anyone else ever apologizes to them for the way things are...I only have control over me.
I was told to listen to Jimmy Eat World The Middle...I appreciate your sentiment, and I wish we could share a dance or a hug, a blanket by a lake, a coffee in the snow. I hope to one day be in a place where I can help you as you have helped me, make you see clearer in the fog, be the friend and soulmate you have been to me through this difficult journey. You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart.
I don't know where I'd be without my friends that stalk here. You all are so incredible and I'll forever be in your debt for everything you did to help me through this crap.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve
I had the privledge of spending last night at a good friends really not doing much but jammin, playin a little Taboo and hangin out. The highlight of the night had to be one look...in a momement of safety. One look and two grins. Also, I was subtlely handed a gift, not to keep but to take care of for a while. I will guard it with my life and am interested to hear your meaning behind it, although I have my suspicions.
It is truely a Christmas eve like I've never experienced before. I spent the day alone as I will tomorrow. I had a few invites to crash other folks get togethers, but it seems fitting to be alone. I didn't have to deal with the huge, crashing waves of depression that I had feared. The worst part is certainly sitting and fretting about how I'm going to exist financially until Jan 25. Anyway, I struggled all day with going to Christmas Eve service. Where I didn't make it, I view it a step in the right direction that I entertained the idea so long. I heard from Chris tonight. He was bemoaning going through all the holiday events with the ex's family. We talked awhile about several things and both felt better. He is truely a great kid and the one I view as most like his old man. He has picked up on something that hopefully is a glimpse of the future, and I think he is accepting of that.
Tomorrow, hopefully, I can make myself do some yardwork. Luckily I was able to entertain myself today with all day Star Wars movies. Ok, I'm easily amused. Mr. Dew spent some time throwing my sock in the air, running and hiding before tearing out to attack it again before flopping down like nothing had happened. He's good company. This Christmas I think about many things. I think about the gifts I have been given...the friends that look after me. You are the best gifts I could ever hope for. I hope I can be the friend you need when you need it as you have been for me. I think about how horrible things are now and imagine what will be one year from now...the house gone one way or another, finally being somewhere final or at least a giant step towards final, being able to get through a month with out white-knuckle fear of not being able to eat, buy gas to get to work and afford the 'luxuries' of water, power with out smoke and mirrors. Possibly being able to share everything with someone wonderful...
So, I hope that you all have and will have a wonderful holiday. I love you all so much! I am richly blessed by each of you and wish you all the things that you seek for your lives. Peace...
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
It is truely a Christmas eve like I've never experienced before. I spent the day alone as I will tomorrow. I had a few invites to crash other folks get togethers, but it seems fitting to be alone. I didn't have to deal with the huge, crashing waves of depression that I had feared. The worst part is certainly sitting and fretting about how I'm going to exist financially until Jan 25. Anyway, I struggled all day with going to Christmas Eve service. Where I didn't make it, I view it a step in the right direction that I entertained the idea so long. I heard from Chris tonight. He was bemoaning going through all the holiday events with the ex's family. We talked awhile about several things and both felt better. He is truely a great kid and the one I view as most like his old man. He has picked up on something that hopefully is a glimpse of the future, and I think he is accepting of that.
Tomorrow, hopefully, I can make myself do some yardwork. Luckily I was able to entertain myself today with all day Star Wars movies. Ok, I'm easily amused. Mr. Dew spent some time throwing my sock in the air, running and hiding before tearing out to attack it again before flopping down like nothing had happened. He's good company. This Christmas I think about many things. I think about the gifts I have been given...the friends that look after me. You are the best gifts I could ever hope for. I hope I can be the friend you need when you need it as you have been for me. I think about how horrible things are now and imagine what will be one year from now...the house gone one way or another, finally being somewhere final or at least a giant step towards final, being able to get through a month with out white-knuckle fear of not being able to eat, buy gas to get to work and afford the 'luxuries' of water, power with out smoke and mirrors. Possibly being able to share everything with someone wonderful...
So, I hope that you all have and will have a wonderful holiday. I love you all so much! I am richly blessed by each of you and wish you all the things that you seek for your lives. Peace...
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
On a Tuesday...
So, I wake up 8:00ish and after a while it hits me it is Tuesday morning...the bank has your current statement from the weekend. So, after seeing that I have no money. Got paid on the 18th, paid the house note, and all other monthly bills. I will still get a 371 check from my ex for her part of the health ins. Essentially, I can't spend any money so there is money for the kids next week...I get them on Saturday. Upon seeing the situation, I went back to bed until 1:00. Tried to make myself do something productive, but couldn't. Watched one of my fav movies 'You've got mail'...Was startled by a realtor who hadn't called the notification place to let me know they were coming. I pick up and go for a walk in the rain. Talked to my mom in Rolla, she was lonely. I think about jumping in the van and making the drive to see her, but can't afford it. Hopefully I'll be able to send her flowers.
I was in the jazuzzi bath tonight with capt morgan, of course. I was listening to Trace Adkins. His song, I came here to live, I didn't come here to die...played. I again thought of my circumstances...I've been evading death for the past 25 years. Which is to say I was 18 when I first remembered having sucidial thoughts. Here, now, in the situation I am in, I came here to live. I've had friends show me the benefits of living. I will not fail off by the wayside where my ex can gloat over me. I came here to live! I've experenced some of the relationships I want to have. Enough to know that I'll never give up. I've been running from the Lord for years and years. I'm sure a huge reason my marriage failed, but I'm planning on graceing the door of the church this Christmas by myself. A close friend of mind told me they were seeking the same thing. Now is the time to ask His forgivness for my trangressions. I know we can find a place to worship together as you told me you wanted to. We both have been running from the Lord, I'm ready to stop running.
About my friend, she has gone through quite a bit these last few days. I have tried to back off the give her the space she needs. I'm not really sure if I've lost any stature in her eyes, although I wonder. I worry about things she told me and how I fit into the problem and the solution. I love her...well, there it is. I want the chance to treat her and her kids the way they should be treated. I don't have all the answers, but I do know how I feel about this lady. I can't imagine finding anything better than her anywhere, and I really hope I don't have to loof anywhere else. I know she has baggage, and kids. I also have baggage and kids. I have never yet seen a reason that we couldn't make a life together. We've discussed being able to make it somewhere together. You have been very open with me about your feelings, as I have been open with you. I want to give you all the things you have been denied. I want to come home after work to your sweet embrace and kiss. I know with both of us working we can make it. I look at you and see my best friend, someone who knows my thoughts, my needs and how to care for me. I see a woman that I want to dote on, lift up, treat as me equal, my partner. Not in front of or behind me, together, side by side going through the world.
If your views have changed about us, through your introspection, I can deal with that. If your plans no longer include me and what we can be together, I will walk away. I now and always, want what is best for you and her family. I will pose no problem for it woundn't be the first time I had to bow out the back door to avoid notice. I love you and only want the best for you. You'll tell me what's on your heart when you're ready. Know. I only want to treat you and the kids as wonderfully as they should be treated...not having to worry about if the bills will get paid and who is being materalistic for wanting power. I can do that for you. You have shown me so many things, feelings, emotions and I am eager to show you SO much more. Maybe it will be rough at the start, but we will turn it into something beautiful for you, me and the kids.
I long for the oppotunity to make you complete.
So there are my thoughts on Tuesday, I hope they help someone...I hope they help a special someone.
Know pretty lady.....I LOVE YOU!
Unconditionally,
I Love you!
dave
o
I was in the jazuzzi bath tonight with capt morgan, of course. I was listening to Trace Adkins. His song, I came here to live, I didn't come here to die...played. I again thought of my circumstances...I've been evading death for the past 25 years. Which is to say I was 18 when I first remembered having sucidial thoughts. Here, now, in the situation I am in, I came here to live. I've had friends show me the benefits of living. I will not fail off by the wayside where my ex can gloat over me. I came here to live! I've experenced some of the relationships I want to have. Enough to know that I'll never give up. I've been running from the Lord for years and years. I'm sure a huge reason my marriage failed, but I'm planning on graceing the door of the church this Christmas by myself. A close friend of mind told me they were seeking the same thing. Now is the time to ask His forgivness for my trangressions. I know we can find a place to worship together as you told me you wanted to. We both have been running from the Lord, I'm ready to stop running.
About my friend, she has gone through quite a bit these last few days. I have tried to back off the give her the space she needs. I'm not really sure if I've lost any stature in her eyes, although I wonder. I worry about things she told me and how I fit into the problem and the solution. I love her...well, there it is. I want the chance to treat her and her kids the way they should be treated. I don't have all the answers, but I do know how I feel about this lady. I can't imagine finding anything better than her anywhere, and I really hope I don't have to loof anywhere else. I know she has baggage, and kids. I also have baggage and kids. I have never yet seen a reason that we couldn't make a life together. We've discussed being able to make it somewhere together. You have been very open with me about your feelings, as I have been open with you. I want to give you all the things you have been denied. I want to come home after work to your sweet embrace and kiss. I know with both of us working we can make it. I look at you and see my best friend, someone who knows my thoughts, my needs and how to care for me. I see a woman that I want to dote on, lift up, treat as me equal, my partner. Not in front of or behind me, together, side by side going through the world.
If your views have changed about us, through your introspection, I can deal with that. If your plans no longer include me and what we can be together, I will walk away. I now and always, want what is best for you and her family. I will pose no problem for it woundn't be the first time I had to bow out the back door to avoid notice. I love you and only want the best for you. You'll tell me what's on your heart when you're ready. Know. I only want to treat you and the kids as wonderfully as they should be treated...not having to worry about if the bills will get paid and who is being materalistic for wanting power. I can do that for you. You have shown me so many things, feelings, emotions and I am eager to show you SO much more. Maybe it will be rough at the start, but we will turn it into something beautiful for you, me and the kids.
I long for the oppotunity to make you complete.
So there are my thoughts on Tuesday, I hope they help someone...I hope they help a special someone.
Know pretty lady.....I LOVE YOU!
Unconditionally,
I Love you!
dave
o
Monday, December 21, 2009
On a positive note
One great thing that happened today was a talk with my daughter. I miss her so incredibly much, and its often the two of us end up in tears on the phone. She is excited about her nephews visiting tomorrow. We talked about going to a movie while she's here. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her all I wanted was to see her beautiful face and hold her.
An unexpected breeze blew my way today as well. It transported everything nice, everything I am lacking. It was even more ironically timed as I've been without my recent source of communication and compassion. As it turns out, the sun will rise again tomorrow, or will have a baby sun, or in some way experience sun rebirth. It is truly a place of rebirth where I stand. I needed to be reminded of this and feel my throat tighten and my eyes grow wet contemplating the idea and what it means for me. I do know, have every confidence that all of this will pass. I wonder what will be, where I'll be this time next year. It has to be a happier place, a place that is warm and loving, where the day isn't defined by its uncertainty. A place that may involve someone very special, a best friend. All those things are beyond my grasp as I only have tomorrow to entertain. I will do what has to be done and endure whatever I must, because I will greet the new day as a bright blessing. I will overcome, I will find peace and rediscover, at some point....love.
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
An unexpected breeze blew my way today as well. It transported everything nice, everything I am lacking. It was even more ironically timed as I've been without my recent source of communication and compassion. As it turns out, the sun will rise again tomorrow, or will have a baby sun, or in some way experience sun rebirth. It is truly a place of rebirth where I stand. I needed to be reminded of this and feel my throat tighten and my eyes grow wet contemplating the idea and what it means for me. I do know, have every confidence that all of this will pass. I wonder what will be, where I'll be this time next year. It has to be a happier place, a place that is warm and loving, where the day isn't defined by its uncertainty. A place that may involve someone very special, a best friend. All those things are beyond my grasp as I only have tomorrow to entertain. I will do what has to be done and endure whatever I must, because I will greet the new day as a bright blessing. I will overcome, I will find peace and rediscover, at some point....love.
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
Pissed!
If you know me or have spent any time here, you know I don't sit and rip on my ex wife. Well, not officially 'ex' legally, but I'm hoping sooner rather than later. Our next court 'date' (LOL) is February 1. Anyway, the weekend really sucked, but Monday topped it.
So, I never cheated on my ex, in 18 years. She was the one who got caught talking to and 'having dinner' with someone else. She's also the one with rich parents who paid for her legal team and bought her a house in San Antonio, three blocks away from them. Oh, she is also the one who doesn't work...daddy is paying her bills. I got jammed with making the payments on the house until it sells (insert expletive here) as alimony. In June I got the house payment lowered from 1950 to 1150 through mortgage assistance. So, I take home about 2700./mo. House is 1150 and there's about 7-800 a month for power, gas, trash, cell, auto ins, additional ins on van, water. So, I usually look at 7-800 a month for gas, food and other expenses. When I make it, I barely make it.
I found a package on the porch from the mortgage co yesterday. Stuck it in my bag and took it with me to work today. School is out for holidays, so I figured I'd have the place to myself. I loaded the van with a load of trash to dump out off of 146. I drive all the way out there only to find out the place is closed Sunday AND Monday...there's a huge waste of gas. Went back to the school and had taken my laundry to work on. I finished some reports, and take out the mortgage stuff. I am really pleased to see that in the approval of our mortgage assistance request, the final program they put us, errrrrrrr ME on, was to make the payment 1550/mo. I called them up and of course, the guy I need isn't there. I called my lawyer, who I haven't paid yet...was supposed to pay him outta money I made on the house. (insert string of expletives here). He knows I live as close as it gets. He told me to see if my ex would work with me on the payment. LOL...she is quick to point out to anyone that I am 'ordered by the court' to pay the mortgage payment or I'll be in contempt!!! I told my lawyer what her responce would be. He said the court can order anything they want, but if you can't do it, you can't do it.
I have a little hope that in talking to the mortgage company, they will work something out with me. Did I say 'little hope'? Actually, that's a lie. I paid the dec payment, and am in week one of five weeks till we get paid again. I may continue to pay the 1150 regardless of what the mortgage co says. Then it will look like I was doing all I could to keep the house. On the other hand, if the mortgage co comes and takes the house, I will have wasted that money. Then I'll have to face contempt charges even though she gets her 1300/mo automatically. If I'm in jail and not working, will I get more contempt charges for not paying child support? Can't really imagine anyone putting me in jail where I couldn't work, but I'm learning anything and everything is possible.
So, its a fairly horrible start to what I had already figured would be a very tough week. The kids come Saturday, so I am by myself this week. I don't think its good for David to be by himself that much at one time. There aren't too many people I'd want to hang with, and the few I want to hang with...well, its just too complicated. Shock, right?
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
So, I never cheated on my ex, in 18 years. She was the one who got caught talking to and 'having dinner' with someone else. She's also the one with rich parents who paid for her legal team and bought her a house in San Antonio, three blocks away from them. Oh, she is also the one who doesn't work...daddy is paying her bills. I got jammed with making the payments on the house until it sells (insert expletive here) as alimony. In June I got the house payment lowered from 1950 to 1150 through mortgage assistance. So, I take home about 2700./mo. House is 1150 and there's about 7-800 a month for power, gas, trash, cell, auto ins, additional ins on van, water. So, I usually look at 7-800 a month for gas, food and other expenses. When I make it, I barely make it.
I found a package on the porch from the mortgage co yesterday. Stuck it in my bag and took it with me to work today. School is out for holidays, so I figured I'd have the place to myself. I loaded the van with a load of trash to dump out off of 146. I drive all the way out there only to find out the place is closed Sunday AND Monday...there's a huge waste of gas. Went back to the school and had taken my laundry to work on. I finished some reports, and take out the mortgage stuff. I am really pleased to see that in the approval of our mortgage assistance request, the final program they put us, errrrrrrr ME on, was to make the payment 1550/mo. I called them up and of course, the guy I need isn't there. I called my lawyer, who I haven't paid yet...was supposed to pay him outta money I made on the house. (insert string of expletives here). He knows I live as close as it gets. He told me to see if my ex would work with me on the payment. LOL...she is quick to point out to anyone that I am 'ordered by the court' to pay the mortgage payment or I'll be in contempt!!! I told my lawyer what her responce would be. He said the court can order anything they want, but if you can't do it, you can't do it.
I have a little hope that in talking to the mortgage company, they will work something out with me. Did I say 'little hope'? Actually, that's a lie. I paid the dec payment, and am in week one of five weeks till we get paid again. I may continue to pay the 1150 regardless of what the mortgage co says. Then it will look like I was doing all I could to keep the house. On the other hand, if the mortgage co comes and takes the house, I will have wasted that money. Then I'll have to face contempt charges even though she gets her 1300/mo automatically. If I'm in jail and not working, will I get more contempt charges for not paying child support? Can't really imagine anyone putting me in jail where I couldn't work, but I'm learning anything and everything is possible.
So, its a fairly horrible start to what I had already figured would be a very tough week. The kids come Saturday, so I am by myself this week. I don't think its good for David to be by himself that much at one time. There aren't too many people I'd want to hang with, and the few I want to hang with...well, its just too complicated. Shock, right?
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Weekend stuff
The weekend with the kids went well. Got home late Friday with them. Chris went out to do birthday stuff with his crew while Patrick, Caitlin and Braeden watched the first half of Transformers 2. Saturday they all scattered. I enjoyed watching Man U drop 3 points in their own crib...un FREAKIN believeable! That sorta soured the day for me. Don't really remember what I did the rest of the day. All the kids were sleeping over places Sat night, except for Chris. I was thinking about some plans that night, but didn't work out. I remember now...watched movies all day. Sunday we left at noon to take them back to San Antonio. Patrick was extremely suprised by the tickets to WWE that night. We had an awesome time. I left SA at 10:30, hit a gas station for some stuff to stay awake and didn't stop the car again till I was home @ 2:15. Work Monday pretty muched sucked cause I was a zombie, not that there's anything wrong with zombies. You do run across some nice ones from time to time. They all come back the day after Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas. It seems I really have no use for it this year. I suppose that's horrible. Like a friend was telling me today, pay bills or buy presents. Guess I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about things. There is no point in decorating. I don't need any decorations, and I'm the only one here. We get paid Friday, and then its 5 weeks until the next check. I'll go out on a limb there and say that is really going to suck. Pay the house payment or not??? Oh, the house...great news! We are basically being forced to lower the price to a break-even level. Almost 7 years here and I'm not going to walk away with shit, which is really awesome since I had promised my lawyer I'd pay him a lump-sum when the house sold. That and another person I owe some cash to. So, the hits just keep on coming....
I battle everyday with the conflict of what I'm doing, where I'm going. I question one way and then the other. I am constantly looking over both shoulders...watching, wondering about the worst-case senerio. When things seem so real, vivid, ripe and you are constantly reminded about these things. Then I'll wonder, demons do their work, my heart stops, blood runs cold. The days are tough, nights tougher and weekends certainly the toughest. I have no choice but to wait, try to get through another day, another day closer to the goal, another caution lap closer the the green flag. Then, there'll be no slow downs, just letting your hair blow out the window and putting the petal through the floor. Someday soon...
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Speaking of Christmas. It seems I really have no use for it this year. I suppose that's horrible. Like a friend was telling me today, pay bills or buy presents. Guess I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about things. There is no point in decorating. I don't need any decorations, and I'm the only one here. We get paid Friday, and then its 5 weeks until the next check. I'll go out on a limb there and say that is really going to suck. Pay the house payment or not??? Oh, the house...great news! We are basically being forced to lower the price to a break-even level. Almost 7 years here and I'm not going to walk away with shit, which is really awesome since I had promised my lawyer I'd pay him a lump-sum when the house sold. That and another person I owe some cash to. So, the hits just keep on coming....
I battle everyday with the conflict of what I'm doing, where I'm going. I question one way and then the other. I am constantly looking over both shoulders...watching, wondering about the worst-case senerio. When things seem so real, vivid, ripe and you are constantly reminded about these things. Then I'll wonder, demons do their work, my heart stops, blood runs cold. The days are tough, nights tougher and weekends certainly the toughest. I have no choice but to wait, try to get through another day, another day closer to the goal, another caution lap closer the the green flag. Then, there'll be no slow downs, just letting your hair blow out the window and putting the petal through the floor. Someday soon...
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Weekend thoughts
I'm really unable to pinpoint what is different about this school year over last. I really can't think that the kids or school is the huge difference. Kids are kids...they always will be. They'll always have their needs and immaturities. So, it must be me. Doing this job for the second time, or second year, I should be better, smarted, more efficient, make less mistakes. That being said, I do feel like I do the job better...sometimes, somedays. Still, the works wears me out, completely. The easiest thing is to say that my emotional energy is low due to the events of the the past 7 months. It does seem that the speed of operation this year is much higher. Like the switch gets thrown about 7:15 and things are 90 miles per hour with my hair on fire until 3:45. I'm not complaining, except that I hate feeling like I'm behind or out of control. Hoping for a quiet exam week and the break.
Drove to get the kids last night. They have all been bumping around with their friends today and tonight. I may get Chris back later, but the other 3 are sleepin over. We are leaving at noon Sunday to head back to San Antonio. Normally I met my ex in Schulenberg, half-way between me and her. Well, I am taking Patrick to a WWE event in San Antonio for his Christmas present. He is totally going to be suprised. I was talking to Chris today, he asked why we had to leave so early. Chris and I share football, and he was looking forward to watching the game tomorrow. I told him what was up, and he was like...wow. I'm hoping to be headed back to Houston by 10:00. Gonna be a tough day, but Patrick is so worth it.
From the I want it now, but you have to wait file.... It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to share the things you want to share with the person you want to share them with. We understand there are hurdles that have to be cleared before we can be together. Missed her birthday party last night, so i was pretty bummed about that. I am finding in her so many things I haven't encountered in years, or at least since I married. There will be a time soon when things will be easier, and we both understand that. We've waited 40 years, whats a little while longer? Know that it hurts to not be in contact with you, to not be able to talk to you whenever I want, to not be able to reach out and touch your face. I'll never know how or why you've been mistreated or the extent of your scars. I do know I will do whatever possible to help them fade and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You asked me once if I believed in soul mates. I certainly didn't marry one, may have had the chance with someone long ago, but if there are soul mates....I hope it feels like this.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Drove to get the kids last night. They have all been bumping around with their friends today and tonight. I may get Chris back later, but the other 3 are sleepin over. We are leaving at noon Sunday to head back to San Antonio. Normally I met my ex in Schulenberg, half-way between me and her. Well, I am taking Patrick to a WWE event in San Antonio for his Christmas present. He is totally going to be suprised. I was talking to Chris today, he asked why we had to leave so early. Chris and I share football, and he was looking forward to watching the game tomorrow. I told him what was up, and he was like...wow. I'm hoping to be headed back to Houston by 10:00. Gonna be a tough day, but Patrick is so worth it.
From the I want it now, but you have to wait file.... It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to share the things you want to share with the person you want to share them with. We understand there are hurdles that have to be cleared before we can be together. Missed her birthday party last night, so i was pretty bummed about that. I am finding in her so many things I haven't encountered in years, or at least since I married. There will be a time soon when things will be easier, and we both understand that. We've waited 40 years, whats a little while longer? Know that it hurts to not be in contact with you, to not be able to talk to you whenever I want, to not be able to reach out and touch your face. I'll never know how or why you've been mistreated or the extent of your scars. I do know I will do whatever possible to help them fade and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You asked me once if I believed in soul mates. I certainly didn't marry one, may have had the chance with someone long ago, but if there are soul mates....I hope it feels like this.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Innate Migrations
The snow was a freaking pain in the ass! I love snow....rare here, so beautiful. Of course, our school district, unlike dozens of other school districts, went the full day. I had an entire class get up to go down the hall to a window, plus other various dumb things kids did waiting for me to deal with tomorrow. Also, the freak weather caused enough concerns for travel that my kids visit had to be moved to next weekend. Not a huge deal except now I will miss my friend's birthday party, that pisses me off.
If this blog is dangerous for anyone out there, you need to make the decision about spending time here or not. Being an open access to anyone in the world, I know there are people out there facing the same struggles I am. I have a very few friends that monitor what I write. I write messages to them, for them, about them. This is part of my self-prescribed road to getting healthy again. There are so many scars from the past 20 years, many are physical but the majority are below the surface. I still face so many hurdles in my life to try to regain who I was. Yet, the person I was will never surface again. All of us are shaped by our experiences, we grow and become better, hopefully. Each day I imagine I am taking steps towards undoing the damage that was done.
I have been fortunate that since May, I have had several situations that have showed me things I had lost, things not felt for years, emotions long burried or hidden behind walls. I am in a hurry to feel so many things, yet am also very cautious...can't relax. There is an incredible lady that has not had an easy time in her life. We compliment eachother is so many ways. I could try to explain how she makes me feel, but I don't know if there are enough pages available here for me to write. We have hurdles to overcome, but I am willing to take those hurdles together. All we can promise today is to take the next step, together. I am powerless to stop what has started. All I ask for is the chance to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, and prolly how she has never been treated. You have said somethings to me that I can't ever remember having been said to me. You are clearly the highlight of my days and the desire of my nights.
Really not sure if I'm ready for this week. Well, no, I'm not. I was at school for several hours today tryin to put the wraps on last week and get a plan for this week. So far behind......
Whoever you are, where ever you are...I hope you have a good week. If it's your last week of work before your holidays...hang in there. If you are sick, please get your health back. If you're living day to day, take it day to day. That is the difficult one for me.
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
If this blog is dangerous for anyone out there, you need to make the decision about spending time here or not. Being an open access to anyone in the world, I know there are people out there facing the same struggles I am. I have a very few friends that monitor what I write. I write messages to them, for them, about them. This is part of my self-prescribed road to getting healthy again. There are so many scars from the past 20 years, many are physical but the majority are below the surface. I still face so many hurdles in my life to try to regain who I was. Yet, the person I was will never surface again. All of us are shaped by our experiences, we grow and become better, hopefully. Each day I imagine I am taking steps towards undoing the damage that was done.
I have been fortunate that since May, I have had several situations that have showed me things I had lost, things not felt for years, emotions long burried or hidden behind walls. I am in a hurry to feel so many things, yet am also very cautious...can't relax. There is an incredible lady that has not had an easy time in her life. We compliment eachother is so many ways. I could try to explain how she makes me feel, but I don't know if there are enough pages available here for me to write. We have hurdles to overcome, but I am willing to take those hurdles together. All we can promise today is to take the next step, together. I am powerless to stop what has started. All I ask for is the chance to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, and prolly how she has never been treated. You have said somethings to me that I can't ever remember having been said to me. You are clearly the highlight of my days and the desire of my nights.
Really not sure if I'm ready for this week. Well, no, I'm not. I was at school for several hours today tryin to put the wraps on last week and get a plan for this week. So far behind......
Whoever you are, where ever you are...I hope you have a good week. If it's your last week of work before your holidays...hang in there. If you are sick, please get your health back. If you're living day to day, take it day to day. That is the difficult one for me.
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Decemberishnesses
For whatever reason, I've been avoiding writing. I suppose I know why and then I still wonder. Do I avoid because I don't want the readers to know things, or do I not want to have to speak in smoke and mirrors...attaching meanings so that only the people they are meant for are able to pick up on the nuiances or subtle feelings? Regardless, overdo this is, so I had better get it down.
My 4 children are legally mine every Thanksgiving. I gave them all the choice to stay in San Antonio and have the 'big family' holiday they are used to, or they could come to Houston where various friends had invited us to do various things. My Chris (17 on 12/7) and Patrick (16 in April) wanted to come with me, while Caitlin (13 in March) and Braeden (11 in August) stayed in SA. The boys and I didn't miss the continuous fighting of the youger 2. I guess it isn't that bad, I mean, they only fight when they're awake. Everyone had a good time and it was very nice to have 'guy time' with my boys. The whole crew will be here this weekend, 4th-6th, and they will come the day after Christmas for several days.
Ok, so there was a friend who recently made the comment to me about it being their time to disappear. As you stay in the shadows, know I am pulling for you and your success. You are doing the right thing, and you hopefully will choose a different path than I was forced to. For what it's worth, I have tried to be somewhat 'less accessable', but there are ways around that. Keep fighting the good fight and you will surely succeed where I failed. The words we have pastly spoken will always define the people we are. Enjoy where you are, for one day you'll find..."You're gonna miss this...you're gonna want this back." Of course, this is a reference to the crazy life-stage you find yourself in. I imagine you'll appreciate the month to come with fresh eyes, or I hope that you do. I am now and forever in your debt.
I continue to limp along through my financial situation. The house continues to sit with a realtor wanting to lower the price, which can't happen. I continue to communicate with my mortgage company attempting to keep the place another month. That being said, there was a bit of a Christmas miracle from some friends, they are the parents of my daughter's bestie. As I talked to them that night, tears rolling down my face, words and 'thank you's become so cliche. No one wants to be the charity case...the one having to ask for help or be put in the position of receiving without asking. I wrote the wife a note on FB, and she responded and made a reference to God. Didn't grow up in church, accepted Christ in college, churched w/ my x to the point that I was a Baptist Deacon in the mid/late 90's. Have struggled with that relationship for about 10 years now....thats a different blog. So, who am I to try to give advice to anyone about asking for/accepting help, right? Right! Yet, there I am with a dear friend needing help, me already doing the little that I could do to help. I continue to learn there is the pride that you hide behind, that keeps you from asking for help. There is also the pride that you have to have that enables you to reach out to the ones you can because you have to. I know how bad that sucks. We'd all rather be in the position of the giver/helper than the one in need, but I am continually reminded of the Apolo 13 scene with Tom Hanks..."You never know the events that'll transpire to get you home."
This day I spent in an administrator cohort. That is a really fancy way to say...you are now another week behind at school since you were not there all day. I met one of my dear friends on the way home for a chicken craving with her adorable daughter...love them tons. Came home and applied some social lubricants and computed as I texted with a different dear friend. I went to bed at 8:00 and got back up at midnight. It's 1:13am as I write. I have actually gone the last three nights without any sleep-aids. I'll get a few more hours sleep when I finish this. I think I know why I'm sleeping better....... I have Stevie Nicks playing in the background as I work on this. She's one gypsy queen that makes me feel closer to another gypsy queen. I wish I could do more to help. As you told me, one step at a time. Remember when you told me that? Be patient, take situations one step at a time. None of us have any other choice. Whatever tomorrow holds for you or me...one thing at a time, one step at a time. "Can you handle the seasons of your life"....."I want to see your reflection in the snow-covered hills."
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
My 4 children are legally mine every Thanksgiving. I gave them all the choice to stay in San Antonio and have the 'big family' holiday they are used to, or they could come to Houston where various friends had invited us to do various things. My Chris (17 on 12/7) and Patrick (16 in April) wanted to come with me, while Caitlin (13 in March) and Braeden (11 in August) stayed in SA. The boys and I didn't miss the continuous fighting of the youger 2. I guess it isn't that bad, I mean, they only fight when they're awake. Everyone had a good time and it was very nice to have 'guy time' with my boys. The whole crew will be here this weekend, 4th-6th, and they will come the day after Christmas for several days.
Ok, so there was a friend who recently made the comment to me about it being their time to disappear. As you stay in the shadows, know I am pulling for you and your success. You are doing the right thing, and you hopefully will choose a different path than I was forced to. For what it's worth, I have tried to be somewhat 'less accessable', but there are ways around that. Keep fighting the good fight and you will surely succeed where I failed. The words we have pastly spoken will always define the people we are. Enjoy where you are, for one day you'll find..."You're gonna miss this...you're gonna want this back." Of course, this is a reference to the crazy life-stage you find yourself in. I imagine you'll appreciate the month to come with fresh eyes, or I hope that you do. I am now and forever in your debt.
I continue to limp along through my financial situation. The house continues to sit with a realtor wanting to lower the price, which can't happen. I continue to communicate with my mortgage company attempting to keep the place another month. That being said, there was a bit of a Christmas miracle from some friends, they are the parents of my daughter's bestie. As I talked to them that night, tears rolling down my face, words and 'thank you's become so cliche. No one wants to be the charity case...the one having to ask for help or be put in the position of receiving without asking. I wrote the wife a note on FB, and she responded and made a reference to God. Didn't grow up in church, accepted Christ in college, churched w/ my x to the point that I was a Baptist Deacon in the mid/late 90's. Have struggled with that relationship for about 10 years now....thats a different blog. So, who am I to try to give advice to anyone about asking for/accepting help, right? Right! Yet, there I am with a dear friend needing help, me already doing the little that I could do to help. I continue to learn there is the pride that you hide behind, that keeps you from asking for help. There is also the pride that you have to have that enables you to reach out to the ones you can because you have to. I know how bad that sucks. We'd all rather be in the position of the giver/helper than the one in need, but I am continually reminded of the Apolo 13 scene with Tom Hanks..."You never know the events that'll transpire to get you home."
This day I spent in an administrator cohort. That is a really fancy way to say...you are now another week behind at school since you were not there all day. I met one of my dear friends on the way home for a chicken craving with her adorable daughter...love them tons. Came home and applied some social lubricants and computed as I texted with a different dear friend. I went to bed at 8:00 and got back up at midnight. It's 1:13am as I write. I have actually gone the last three nights without any sleep-aids. I'll get a few more hours sleep when I finish this. I think I know why I'm sleeping better....... I have Stevie Nicks playing in the background as I work on this. She's one gypsy queen that makes me feel closer to another gypsy queen. I wish I could do more to help. As you told me, one step at a time. Remember when you told me that? Be patient, take situations one step at a time. None of us have any other choice. Whatever tomorrow holds for you or me...one thing at a time, one step at a time. "Can you handle the seasons of your life"....."I want to see your reflection in the snow-covered hills."
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The virtue of being needy
So, a friend blasted me with the idea that I am 'needy'. I have wrestled with the idea and am struggleing with my reaction.
I understand that I am standing in a place where I have never stood. To finally walk away from the woman I swore to never leave after 20 years has changed me. I have, still and always will accept my 50% of the blame and responsibility for that, yet now, at 42, I do stand alone. Having spent so many years dying, I must somehow survive the most difficult days of my life to one day be able to live. It has been six months since I left her, and without doubt, the help of my friends is the major reason I'm still. If this means I am 'needy', then I must be.
Last I checked, I am still human. Now, many would disagree with the 'human' part, but most of those are students,parents of students or political foes made along the way. Patience is something none of are good at. I don't want to wait on......selling this freaking house that I can't make the mortgage payment on....trying to get back on my feet financially......sharing little things with someone special. We all want it all...... now.
"You find out who your friends are. Sombody's gonna drop everything." When I do for people, it doesn't matter if we're talking about kids, anyone at work or anyone....I'm glad I can do for them. In the course of writing this entry, it just so happened that I talked to and worked things out with the one that called me needy. I hold no grudge, yet take the situation as an opportunity to grow. I have plenty of growing to do. I look forward to the process. No growth occurs without pain. No one likes that part.
I know this is a painful season of life, no matter when or where it finds you. To my friends I thank you again, and again ask that you let me disappear from time to time. I will get through for my kids, my friends, my work...for the one I know exists, whether I know you yet or not and again tell you that I will accept and love you unconditionally. I will get through for me. If there was any doubt about that, I would have never left my X. I would have withered into the acceptance that love and happiness would only be gained through my children. I look forward to that love and happiness, but I demand that for myself too. I will find it or it will find me, today or tomorrow, this week or next, with patience or without, needy or not.
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
I understand that I am standing in a place where I have never stood. To finally walk away from the woman I swore to never leave after 20 years has changed me. I have, still and always will accept my 50% of the blame and responsibility for that, yet now, at 42, I do stand alone. Having spent so many years dying, I must somehow survive the most difficult days of my life to one day be able to live. It has been six months since I left her, and without doubt, the help of my friends is the major reason I'm still. If this means I am 'needy', then I must be.
Last I checked, I am still human. Now, many would disagree with the 'human' part, but most of those are students,parents of students or political foes made along the way. Patience is something none of are good at. I don't want to wait on......selling this freaking house that I can't make the mortgage payment on....trying to get back on my feet financially......sharing little things with someone special. We all want it all...... now.
"You find out who your friends are. Sombody's gonna drop everything." When I do for people, it doesn't matter if we're talking about kids, anyone at work or anyone....I'm glad I can do for them. In the course of writing this entry, it just so happened that I talked to and worked things out with the one that called me needy. I hold no grudge, yet take the situation as an opportunity to grow. I have plenty of growing to do. I look forward to the process. No growth occurs without pain. No one likes that part.
I know this is a painful season of life, no matter when or where it finds you. To my friends I thank you again, and again ask that you let me disappear from time to time. I will get through for my kids, my friends, my work...for the one I know exists, whether I know you yet or not and again tell you that I will accept and love you unconditionally. I will get through for me. If there was any doubt about that, I would have never left my X. I would have withered into the acceptance that love and happiness would only be gained through my children. I look forward to that love and happiness, but I demand that for myself too. I will find it or it will find me, today or tomorrow, this week or next, with patience or without, needy or not.
Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tough week
Running on empty emotionally, little hope in sight. Getting more and more difficult to paint on the happy face every morning. This will be like the third night in a row of being in bed by 8:00, not sure what that means.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Saturday, November 14, 2009
From One to Eternity
Regardless of the result, they fight on. The constant clatter in their ears. Over and over, screeching, tearing, piercing their ears. The result is affliction, of several different manifestations. The present is darkened by the noise, with no recourse, no relief, no stopping...relentlessly sounding with no end in sight. The only cure is night.
Another segment of time filled with the various parts of the puzzle. There is the one that is ever thirsty for the drink no one has. They search for it every where, filling their minds no matter what the current presentness contains. Their tasks include their minds filled with the desire, hunger, obsession with what they can't find, unsure of the chances of ever being given the oportunity to drink. Knowing the bliss that would come from tasting that drink. The drink fills their minds and they are unable to go about any task without the drink saturating their thoughts, knowing how suculent the drink is. They have no cares for life's hidden secrets. They know everydrink is made of different stuff, following changes and adjustments along the way. They understand we are all a compliation of our combined experiences, good, bad, ugly and horrific. Feeling the drink slide down into their souls, warming them from the inside out. Catching the uncatchable, the forbidden, the unobtainable. Being prisnors of their own creation, their own rules, their own decisions...they hunt even more.
Another puzzle piece laments the pieces that are lost, a hole never to be filled. Contact with those meaningful pieces exists somehow, although their physical return is impossible. They seem to speak from beyond this world, yet their communication is intense, vivid, explosive, real in every sense of the word. They battle the war between letting go forever and continuing on clinging to the slimmest chances. They walk the thin line between make believe and making do. Neither the puzzle, nor the lost pieces, are able to turn away. The puzzle fights constant thoughts of where the pieces are, what they are doing, what they are feeling, what would happen if they were ever reunited, what would the puzzle look like after all these years.
Yet still knowing there is little fucking chance, no chance, but hope.
Standing on uncertain ground. One move has dozens of implications for where the next step is. It is dizzying to think about the dominoes. Once the first one is pushed in a certain direction, where will the chain reaction stop? Internalizing fault, seeing none, wanting a touch, unable to reach out. Once the first dominoe is tipped, eternity is the only place to stop, rest, commune, edify, trust, fulfill, please, love.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
dave
Another segment of time filled with the various parts of the puzzle. There is the one that is ever thirsty for the drink no one has. They search for it every where, filling their minds no matter what the current presentness contains. Their tasks include their minds filled with the desire, hunger, obsession with what they can't find, unsure of the chances of ever being given the oportunity to drink. Knowing the bliss that would come from tasting that drink. The drink fills their minds and they are unable to go about any task without the drink saturating their thoughts, knowing how suculent the drink is. They have no cares for life's hidden secrets. They know everydrink is made of different stuff, following changes and adjustments along the way. They understand we are all a compliation of our combined experiences, good, bad, ugly and horrific. Feeling the drink slide down into their souls, warming them from the inside out. Catching the uncatchable, the forbidden, the unobtainable. Being prisnors of their own creation, their own rules, their own decisions...they hunt even more.
Another puzzle piece laments the pieces that are lost, a hole never to be filled. Contact with those meaningful pieces exists somehow, although their physical return is impossible. They seem to speak from beyond this world, yet their communication is intense, vivid, explosive, real in every sense of the word. They battle the war between letting go forever and continuing on clinging to the slimmest chances. They walk the thin line between make believe and making do. Neither the puzzle, nor the lost pieces, are able to turn away. The puzzle fights constant thoughts of where the pieces are, what they are doing, what they are feeling, what would happen if they were ever reunited, what would the puzzle look like after all these years.
Yet still knowing there is little fucking chance, no chance, but hope.
Standing on uncertain ground. One move has dozens of implications for where the next step is. It is dizzying to think about the dominoes. Once the first one is pushed in a certain direction, where will the chain reaction stop? Internalizing fault, seeing none, wanting a touch, unable to reach out. Once the first dominoe is tipped, eternity is the only place to stop, rest, commune, edify, trust, fulfill, please, love.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
dave
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Mid-week
Hello love,
Was by myself at school. My parnter and both counselors were out. All things considered, it was a quiet day, which allowed me to keep shoveling out of the hole I'm in with paperwork. There was play practice after school. Started rocking a 'tired-headache' there. By the time I got home, I ate some soup and went to bed at 6:30. Got up about 2:00, so here I am. I will prolly leave here about 5:30 to go in early and do some more digging.
Getting the kids Friday evening so, I'm looking forward to that. I think of you often, wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're smiling. I see you fading away. I try to avoid allowing myself to sink into my own mind. Falling into the cognition of the facts that I can't pursue the opportunities right under my nose, or you. I finally get the door locked again...keeping reality on the other side, safe for now. Reality repressed for a while as I grab two more handfuls of school, sad that there is no safe, warm, comfortable, caring, smiling, loving, forgiving place to land.
I know.....someday.
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
Was by myself at school. My parnter and both counselors were out. All things considered, it was a quiet day, which allowed me to keep shoveling out of the hole I'm in with paperwork. There was play practice after school. Started rocking a 'tired-headache' there. By the time I got home, I ate some soup and went to bed at 6:30. Got up about 2:00, so here I am. I will prolly leave here about 5:30 to go in early and do some more digging.
Getting the kids Friday evening so, I'm looking forward to that. I think of you often, wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're smiling. I see you fading away. I try to avoid allowing myself to sink into my own mind. Falling into the cognition of the facts that I can't pursue the opportunities right under my nose, or you. I finally get the door locked again...keeping reality on the other side, safe for now. Reality repressed for a while as I grab two more handfuls of school, sad that there is no safe, warm, comfortable, caring, smiling, loving, forgiving place to land.
I know.....someday.
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Time's answer
You know folks, the solitude of the weekend is extremely difficult. There are so many times I think to rech out to someone, only to decide against. There seem to be so many complications connected with the ways I feel led. I think to follow my heart, but often accept that if there was something to pursue...I would not be the only one pursueing it. That is what I just left, wasted so much of my life wanting something the other person didn't. Yet, accepting that mentally and convincing your heart are completely different.
Is it better to go on and deal with your solutude or trying to play the games of trying to meet someone new? I have a number of a friend of a friend that I am supposed to call. I think, um...barely have a dollar to my name, may not until I can get out from under this barn. With so much baggage, how do you ever make a decent first impression? I don't know. The other option is making a connection with someone you already know, right? There is a silppery slope. Am I going to cross some unknown line and get my ass in a sling? Do I draw a line refusing to progress with anyone I work with? Can never see myself being able to draw that line in the sand, haven't been able to yet. Actually seems I have an affinity for the opposite.
So, I spend my mental energy on the fence, unsure which way to go, which way to fall, contemplating how much I am willing to risk, what am I willing to deal with?, am I willing to relocate to the outskirts and with whom?, how do you handle one tender heart versus another, what needs get met, whose, for what price? Times answer is only questions. The pull of my heart from one unobtainable prize to another, or left to itself and the demons....they're so reliable.
unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Is it better to go on and deal with your solutude or trying to play the games of trying to meet someone new? I have a number of a friend of a friend that I am supposed to call. I think, um...barely have a dollar to my name, may not until I can get out from under this barn. With so much baggage, how do you ever make a decent first impression? I don't know. The other option is making a connection with someone you already know, right? There is a silppery slope. Am I going to cross some unknown line and get my ass in a sling? Do I draw a line refusing to progress with anyone I work with? Can never see myself being able to draw that line in the sand, haven't been able to yet. Actually seems I have an affinity for the opposite.
So, I spend my mental energy on the fence, unsure which way to go, which way to fall, contemplating how much I am willing to risk, what am I willing to deal with?, am I willing to relocate to the outskirts and with whom?, how do you handle one tender heart versus another, what needs get met, whose, for what price? Times answer is only questions. The pull of my heart from one unobtainable prize to another, or left to itself and the demons....they're so reliable.
unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Trains
There are always busy, I mean crazy, days at the ole high school. They happen along once every 2-3 weeks. The stars must have all been lined up right because there were 5 days like that this week. Looking back, I missed 10/29 when I went to San Antonio to see my daughter play her last volleyball game, and I missed 10/30 at an all day training. Thusly, I was outta the office for 2 days straight. It's been my expience as an assistant principal, it takes you a week to catch up from missing a day. The highlight of my week had to be the kid with the vile of blood...sorry, no details provided.
Adding to the week was my ever precarious financial situation. X was supposed to put a check for 371 in the mail for me on 11/3. As of 11/7 it has not appeared. If it hadn't been for friends at school, I wouldn't have made it the week. I would have never made it to our playoff volleyball game in freakin' Bryan. I guess Waco, Dallas, El Paso were all booked. I am responsible for selling our old house as per the judge calling it spousal maintainence. Now, I thought that was for spousals that did not work. My X worked the past 6 years until she went crazy(er) and her doc made her stay home.
I was set up in Cleveland happy as a freaking clam 8 miles from my school. I had to move back to the house in September, because it hadn't sold. The expense of the mortgage, other house-related bills and the greatly increased gas bill is pulling me under. Just about the time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just another train.
I really try my bestest to put my happyface on and think about how others have it worse, I could have it worse, don't feel sorry for yourself, stop bitching about things that are your own fault... I am so much better at teaching yutes about getting over all their issues, not so great about dealing with my own. Suppose that's why I'm in the stew I'm in.
Well, if ya were wonderin' why I hadn't written, all that is sorta why. Here's a question...if you were a bug and you knew that light would zap your ass dead...would you keep flying around it. I am sitting here texting with someone on a weekend night. They are very dear to me, yet ....how close do I fly.
Unconditionaly,
I Love you!
dave
Adding to the week was my ever precarious financial situation. X was supposed to put a check for 371 in the mail for me on 11/3. As of 11/7 it has not appeared. If it hadn't been for friends at school, I wouldn't have made it the week. I would have never made it to our playoff volleyball game in freakin' Bryan. I guess Waco, Dallas, El Paso were all booked. I am responsible for selling our old house as per the judge calling it spousal maintainence. Now, I thought that was for spousals that did not work. My X worked the past 6 years until she went crazy(er) and her doc made her stay home.
I was set up in Cleveland happy as a freaking clam 8 miles from my school. I had to move back to the house in September, because it hadn't sold. The expense of the mortgage, other house-related bills and the greatly increased gas bill is pulling me under. Just about the time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just another train.
I really try my bestest to put my happyface on and think about how others have it worse, I could have it worse, don't feel sorry for yourself, stop bitching about things that are your own fault... I am so much better at teaching yutes about getting over all their issues, not so great about dealing with my own. Suppose that's why I'm in the stew I'm in.
Well, if ya were wonderin' why I hadn't written, all that is sorta why. Here's a question...if you were a bug and you knew that light would zap your ass dead...would you keep flying around it. I am sitting here texting with someone on a weekend night. They are very dear to me, yet ....how close do I fly.
Unconditionaly,
I Love you!
dave
Monday, November 2, 2009
A visit from the Angel
Like a hit from the blindside, the angel appeared in a more real way. So many of the raw, jagged, double-edged emotions were revisited. Of course, the angel is always there, which is nice and a constant reminder of what was and what could have been, what was said and what not said.
I will always be eternally grateful to the angel and how the angel found me disfigured, dull, damaged, and destroyed. The angel reached out to me and made me whole again.....always grateful.
The angel brought heartache as well, but we learn from our setbacks, grow from our pain. Life's lessons. To be near the angel again was nice, hypnotic, yet guarded, close to the vest, cautious, business. Yet, that smile, laugh and closeness brought back what was never forgot, never far from the conscious. So, the angel comes and goes, lingers and flees, much like our hopes and dreams.
I, you, will always be shaped by our experiences. We always learn more from the ones that hurt. I continue to look for my angel, the one I can make whole and will make me whole. Whether its today, tomorrow or someday...I love you, my angel.
unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
I will always be eternally grateful to the angel and how the angel found me disfigured, dull, damaged, and destroyed. The angel reached out to me and made me whole again.....always grateful.
The angel brought heartache as well, but we learn from our setbacks, grow from our pain. Life's lessons. To be near the angel again was nice, hypnotic, yet guarded, close to the vest, cautious, business. Yet, that smile, laugh and closeness brought back what was never forgot, never far from the conscious. So, the angel comes and goes, lingers and flees, much like our hopes and dreams.
I, you, will always be shaped by our experiences. We always learn more from the ones that hurt. I continue to look for my angel, the one I can make whole and will make me whole. Whether its today, tomorrow or someday...I love you, my angel.
unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Balhday, pt. 2
Have felt physically worse as the day progressed. Considering hitting the sleep aids and turning in for the day soon. I've tried to get a handle on things emotionally. On the one hand, I feel I've lost something that meant so much. Having to back away from a situation, when I REALLY don't want to. Finding someone likeminded, that 'gets' your sense of humor. A person you share mental attraction with as well as possibilities for the 'sleighbed'?? Holy Crap, how many years did I waste with a person who didn't get my sense of humor and so much more. Now, I never had to deal with pedophiles, drug abusers or the lot, but was slowly numbed into non-existence through years of neglect. Now I see that things I have searched for and I seem to find them unobtainable, or only obtainable with too high a price.
That being said, my spirits were lifted from a somewhat celestrial source. Again, the chance to communicate with someone that means so much is priceless. I am fully aware that this opportunity can be gone in a blink of a one-eyed pirate. I also know that there is the remotest chance, it could lead to more. Vegas would never gives odds as looooong as these. I am grateful and take things one day at a time. I know you are dealing with many of the very same issues I have lived through. I wish you nothing but happiness, no matter which way you head. You are one of, if not the, most precious person I have ever known. I would love to be part of your future, but am more concerned that you achieve what you want.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
That being said, my spirits were lifted from a somewhat celestrial source. Again, the chance to communicate with someone that means so much is priceless. I am fully aware that this opportunity can be gone in a blink of a one-eyed pirate. I also know that there is the remotest chance, it could lead to more. Vegas would never gives odds as looooong as these. I am grateful and take things one day at a time. I know you are dealing with many of the very same issues I have lived through. I wish you nothing but happiness, no matter which way you head. You are one of, if not the, most precious person I have ever known. I would love to be part of your future, but am more concerned that you achieve what you want.
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Blahday
So, I'm not sure if the day will morph into a complete pity-party, but I am allowing my self at least a part. As I was taking to someone last night, the point was made that the people that tell you something will work out are inevitable those not facing your situation. It is always a matter of being patient, which is something no one is good at or wants to be good at.
I've lost my voice, so whenever you factor in physical illness, everything is more difficult. Who the F loses their voice...that's very weak, very disappointed with myself.
I am trying to sell the house I had with my family. This is horribly frustrating. The place hasn't even shown once during the past fortnight. Trying to keep it out of foreclosure and keep myself afloat, much like illness, has an impact on how everything else is viewed. Sitting here on November 1st, trying to find a way to make it 3 weeks, ug. Also facing having to turn over all my financial records for the past 6 months to my X's lawyer because they don't believe I don't have hundred's of dollars to pay towards doctor's bills. The $1300. I pay in child support is taken from my pay automatically, but I am responsibile for half of doctor's bills.
I am NOT looking for a wife, per say. I do want to find someone one day that I can share a life with in a more healthy set of conditions that I have recently left. It seems that I am someone's punchline because the connections I make are with women that exsist just out of reach. Talking about walking through a minefield, I do not set out with the goal of 'making a connection' with this one or that one and I am not talking about sex...directly. For sure, have spelled it out here before, I am more than anything else, tactile...hand holding, playing with hair, drawing hearts on your arm or on your leg in the car as we drive, rubbing your shoulders, tracing your face as we gaze into each other's eyes, snuggleing...so many more non-sexual touches. That is something that frustrates more than anything else.
I do not write these things to make anyone feel bad. Some of you I do reference here and you may or may not see it. Please remember, this is my diary and the only real place I have to unload stuff outta my head before it explodes. To the best of my knowledge, I have and will continue to be honest with you. Honesty is priceless at this stage of my life. I'd rather experience pain than take you to a bad place. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I would rather take a chance somewhere than hide behind not wanting to get hurt. Wrong time, wrong place seems to be the theme. We have to be practicle and realistic. My friends are so dear to me. Please take this stuff for what it is, these are not subtle requests for money, sex or anything else. Life goes on, we all have to deal with the cards we're dealt.
I love and adore all of you.....
dave
I've lost my voice, so whenever you factor in physical illness, everything is more difficult. Who the F loses their voice...that's very weak, very disappointed with myself.
I am trying to sell the house I had with my family. This is horribly frustrating. The place hasn't even shown once during the past fortnight. Trying to keep it out of foreclosure and keep myself afloat, much like illness, has an impact on how everything else is viewed. Sitting here on November 1st, trying to find a way to make it 3 weeks, ug. Also facing having to turn over all my financial records for the past 6 months to my X's lawyer because they don't believe I don't have hundred's of dollars to pay towards doctor's bills. The $1300. I pay in child support is taken from my pay automatically, but I am responsibile for half of doctor's bills.
I am NOT looking for a wife, per say. I do want to find someone one day that I can share a life with in a more healthy set of conditions that I have recently left. It seems that I am someone's punchline because the connections I make are with women that exsist just out of reach. Talking about walking through a minefield, I do not set out with the goal of 'making a connection' with this one or that one and I am not talking about sex...directly. For sure, have spelled it out here before, I am more than anything else, tactile...hand holding, playing with hair, drawing hearts on your arm or on your leg in the car as we drive, rubbing your shoulders, tracing your face as we gaze into each other's eyes, snuggleing...so many more non-sexual touches. That is something that frustrates more than anything else.
I do not write these things to make anyone feel bad. Some of you I do reference here and you may or may not see it. Please remember, this is my diary and the only real place I have to unload stuff outta my head before it explodes. To the best of my knowledge, I have and will continue to be honest with you. Honesty is priceless at this stage of my life. I'd rather experience pain than take you to a bad place. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I would rather take a chance somewhere than hide behind not wanting to get hurt. Wrong time, wrong place seems to be the theme. We have to be practicle and realistic. My friends are so dear to me. Please take this stuff for what it is, these are not subtle requests for money, sex or anything else. Life goes on, we all have to deal with the cards we're dealt.
I love and adore all of you.....
dave
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Like I'm really suprised
I know what I WANT to do......
but,
I know what I SHOULD do......
soooooo,
What am I gonna do?
Strolling through an incredible minefield with the most beautiful lotus in every direction. I span the landscape to find myself in the most precarious situation, again, for the very first time. You know, everyone involved has everything to lose, but you sort of drunkingly stumble towards the danger.
I thought the break-up of my marriage was a moral diliema. Since last May I have orchestrated a string of situations...have only stepped on one landmine. At what point to you meet needs of yours/others as the danger, consequences, and heartache swell up around you?
*sigh* more lotus please.....
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
but,
I know what I SHOULD do......
soooooo,
What am I gonna do?
Strolling through an incredible minefield with the most beautiful lotus in every direction. I span the landscape to find myself in the most precarious situation, again, for the very first time. You know, everyone involved has everything to lose, but you sort of drunkingly stumble towards the danger.
I thought the break-up of my marriage was a moral diliema. Since last May I have orchestrated a string of situations...have only stepped on one landmine. At what point to you meet needs of yours/others as the danger, consequences, and heartache swell up around you?
*sigh* more lotus please.....
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Friday, October 30, 2009
Welcome to the Big Top
The trip back and forth to San Antonio was fairly wretched. Easily the highlight was looking up to see my X walking into the gym toting both of my x 'monsters-in-law's'. Very nice... On a brighter note, my daughter comes in with her volleyball team, she has already seen my smokin' mini-van in the lot so she knows I'm there. She looked at me for 3-4 seconds before it clicked it was actually me behind the goatee I'm rockin' She screams 'DADDY!' and flys up to me. I had to repress the old middle-school coach in me having one of my athletes up in the stands when they weren't supposed to be.
Was good to see my crew. Will see them again on the 13th.
As for the circus I conduct. I have a friend starting something this morning that no one would look forward to. My thoughts, and so much more, are with them. In another ring, it seems my history repeats itself again. How far down the slipery-slope this time. How do you balance morality, the wonderful and rare feelings with someone and the possible bombs waiting to go off. Am I really such a weak person, really just a pile of goo behind the professionality I portray?
More to write, but no time. Long ass day ahead, but at least not behind the wheel. Que the clowns....
Unconditionally,
I love you all SO much!
dave
Was good to see my crew. Will see them again on the 13th.
As for the circus I conduct. I have a friend starting something this morning that no one would look forward to. My thoughts, and so much more, are with them. In another ring, it seems my history repeats itself again. How far down the slipery-slope this time. How do you balance morality, the wonderful and rare feelings with someone and the possible bombs waiting to go off. Am I really such a weak person, really just a pile of goo behind the professionality I portray?
More to write, but no time. Long ass day ahead, but at least not behind the wheel. Que the clowns....
Unconditionally,
I love you all SO much!
dave
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Busy...
I am off of work today. Later this morning I am driving to San Antonio to see my daughter play in last volleyball game. Its about 4 hours one way from where I live to where my X took my kids off to. I am planning on taking the 4 of them to dinner after she plays. When we finish, I will be headed back to Houston. I am involved in a 'New Administrator Cohort'. Somewhat ironic since I have 3 years as an administrative intern and am in my second full year as an assistant principal. The cohort only meets 5 times, was expensive, so I need to be there Friday.
When cohort is finished, I'll head back to my school through the Friday night football game. I get to sleep in Saturday morning...lifesaver! Our volleyball girls have a playoff warm-up match at 2:00 Saturday that I will be at.
Saturday is of course, Halloween. I have never really had much use for it. There are some plans for Saturday night. I am not sure if there will be tricks or treats...so called, Arthur King....
Sunday-couch, football, hopefully not too much cheese-nibbling.
Unconditionally.
I love u,
dave.
When cohort is finished, I'll head back to my school through the Friday night football game. I get to sleep in Saturday morning...lifesaver! Our volleyball girls have a playoff warm-up match at 2:00 Saturday that I will be at.
Saturday is of course, Halloween. I have never really had much use for it. There are some plans for Saturday night. I am not sure if there will be tricks or treats...so called, Arthur King....
Sunday-couch, football, hopefully not too much cheese-nibbling.
Unconditionally.
I love u,
dave.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Raining and Pouring
Rainy and dark all day...made me think.
Checking, hoping for and not.
Thinking with my mind's eye, lost in a fairy tale,
Once upon a time,
...for Eternity.
Unconditionally, now and forever.
I love you,
dave
Checking, hoping for and not.
Thinking with my mind's eye, lost in a fairy tale,
Once upon a time,
...for Eternity.
Unconditionally, now and forever.
I love you,
dave
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Grattitude for your attitude
In the experiences of our lives, no matter the type, they all shape who we are and affect where we go. Without the peaks and valleys, we don't grow and become the agent to impact the lives of others...either personally or professionally. Some things suck...some things suck for a very long time, but they are necessary. I don't want to change who I am, and I use my experiences to hopefully produce some good in the present.
To my friends who go out of your way to try to make sure I will survive...I will. You surely know I will have ups and downs, good days and bad. Hopefully you see more good than bad, but the bad days are important too. We all need to disappear from time to time. You are priceless, and you will find me there in your time of need. I am grateful for those who have helped me take steps towards healing, and I carry you with me always. Who know what tomorrow holds, but we'll get through it together.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
Dave
To my friends who go out of your way to try to make sure I will survive...I will. You surely know I will have ups and downs, good days and bad. Hopefully you see more good than bad, but the bad days are important too. We all need to disappear from time to time. You are priceless, and you will find me there in your time of need. I am grateful for those who have helped me take steps towards healing, and I carry you with me always. Who know what tomorrow holds, but we'll get through it together.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
Dave
Saturday, October 24, 2009
When you can't hide...hope's tragic illusion.
The days of rest, away from the everyday. Where anyone can be anything, anytime, anywhere. Without the distractions of one million different battles to fight, noses to wipe, shoulders to pat, hands to shake, characters to shape, futures to reveal and scars to heal...we are left without our own facades, with little choice but to entertain the valleys, darknesses and unspoken parts of our own selves.
The day is unencubmered by anything. Crispness in the air and a sunshine fit for rebirth and newness, surely goodness. I deal with the stresses of the monthly and trying to arrange the smoke and mirrors to make it another 30 days. During the 90 minute car ride, the music plays...manipulating various memories, feelings and emotions both positively and negatively. I spend so much time looking for the places to retreat to in the attempts of not reliving things over for the 3 thousandth time. I ask and ask, why does the unabailability of someone thrust me in a certain direction.
Perhaps even with my ex-wife. Her inability to share herself, certainly unavailable for so much of out marriage. As that relationship actively died, I embark on a series of further unavailable people. Deep, intense become words that are trite and cliche. Gouges made with dull butter knives.
I sliced my thumb opening a plastic package today. As I drove on, applying pressure...the thumb throbed. I would check and take the napkin off the cut only to see the bright red blood begin to seep from the cut for near an hour. Finally, it stopped. Then when I am about 3 minutes from the dump, I move my thumb worng and the crimson pours out again.
It's much like the emotions I juggle everyday. Sealed and healed for a time only to entertain the wrong idea, see the wrong person, entertain the wrong hope...the pain spills again.
For someone who has such solid advice for my students, I seem to never be able to practice what I preach. Perhaps it is the Devine punchline. I allow my heart to go places with people that have no chance in hell of being healty or smart, yet...I am powerless to fight. How long will the illusion of hope find audience with me? However, to really move on past the sea of unavailibility I am adept at rowing my boat into, there has to be a new focus of/for emotions. I am tired of hurting people, but I am even more starved for company, contact, something healthy and fulfilling.
It is actually really frustrating...people I really care for...several, but no chance in hell. Who does that, how do I do that?
I am a person with a full bag of presents, no one to give them too and the bag of presents only gets heavier.
unconditionally,
I love u,
Dave
The day is unencubmered by anything. Crispness in the air and a sunshine fit for rebirth and newness, surely goodness. I deal with the stresses of the monthly and trying to arrange the smoke and mirrors to make it another 30 days. During the 90 minute car ride, the music plays...manipulating various memories, feelings and emotions both positively and negatively. I spend so much time looking for the places to retreat to in the attempts of not reliving things over for the 3 thousandth time. I ask and ask, why does the unabailability of someone thrust me in a certain direction.
Perhaps even with my ex-wife. Her inability to share herself, certainly unavailable for so much of out marriage. As that relationship actively died, I embark on a series of further unavailable people. Deep, intense become words that are trite and cliche. Gouges made with dull butter knives.
I sliced my thumb opening a plastic package today. As I drove on, applying pressure...the thumb throbed. I would check and take the napkin off the cut only to see the bright red blood begin to seep from the cut for near an hour. Finally, it stopped. Then when I am about 3 minutes from the dump, I move my thumb worng and the crimson pours out again.
It's much like the emotions I juggle everyday. Sealed and healed for a time only to entertain the wrong idea, see the wrong person, entertain the wrong hope...the pain spills again.
For someone who has such solid advice for my students, I seem to never be able to practice what I preach. Perhaps it is the Devine punchline. I allow my heart to go places with people that have no chance in hell of being healty or smart, yet...I am powerless to fight. How long will the illusion of hope find audience with me? However, to really move on past the sea of unavailibility I am adept at rowing my boat into, there has to be a new focus of/for emotions. I am tired of hurting people, but I am even more starved for company, contact, something healthy and fulfilling.
It is actually really frustrating...people I really care for...several, but no chance in hell. Who does that, how do I do that?
I am a person with a full bag of presents, no one to give them too and the bag of presents only gets heavier.
unconditionally,
I love u,
Dave
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Pure of Heart
Unlucky is the child gone wrong,
The child long gone.
And once the child passes on, there is no return.
Yet, the pure of heart fear not.
For the legends have yet to be named,
And the heros have yet to step from the darkness.
But step they will.
They will soar to the heights reached only by the brave,
Only by the true.
But you speak of confidence.
Confidence is only the fruit of experience.
You are your own worst enemy.
To try is the factor.
Pass or fail is no matter.
Experience is success.
So I offer this to you, child.
Experience what you will.
Try what suits you.
Set no limits on your bounds,
And you will be the legend,
You will be the hero,
And you will be the pure of heart.
This happens to be something I wrote a long freakin time ago. It was written to a single person, but as I have re-encountered it...I see it has meaning in a great many areas.
It has meaning for me....
whatever your condition, unconditionally!
I love you,
dave
The child long gone.
And once the child passes on, there is no return.
Yet, the pure of heart fear not.
For the legends have yet to be named,
And the heros have yet to step from the darkness.
But step they will.
They will soar to the heights reached only by the brave,
Only by the true.
But you speak of confidence.
Confidence is only the fruit of experience.
You are your own worst enemy.
To try is the factor.
Pass or fail is no matter.
Experience is success.
So I offer this to you, child.
Experience what you will.
Try what suits you.
Set no limits on your bounds,
And you will be the legend,
You will be the hero,
And you will be the pure of heart.
This happens to be something I wrote a long freakin time ago. It was written to a single person, but as I have re-encountered it...I see it has meaning in a great many areas.
It has meaning for me....
whatever your condition, unconditionally!
I love you,
dave
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday
Long, lonely day. Was at my High school half-way through lunches. Then took off to go watch our band compete in UIL contest. They played their best show ever...I was crying real tears, but they got scored 2-1-2. They got jobbed a tad, but you can never be disappointed with your best. Then went to watch our olleyball girls shread some group of wannabees.
Was lonely a lot today. Going back and forth with my X over various issues. She brings me down, but everytime reinforces that I do not want to ever be with her again. So, that led the heart strings to start pulling in directions where I have little promise for the future, yet still share intense bonds. Visions of what I know exists and yet the sort of thing that you never find when you are intently looking. I hate that I am now in the habbit of looking for wedding rings on people's hands, well...mostly ladies hands. Having to jump through all the hoops of getting to know someone is something I look forward to, but hasn't seemed to play out all that well so far. The last thing I seek now is to jump into a serious relationship, but I am so tactile...I long for hand-holding, curling up together, fingers in my hair, snuggeling, sitting and talking under the stars over a bottle of wine, anything on the beach, but mostly just walking together, playing in the water all day, bowling, a movie, cookin in, dancing, whispering in each-other's ears, being moved to poetry, having someone actually care about what you do and go through everyday.
I can only hope there are people like that out there. Like I said, I have seen glimpses with people who were beyond my reach, and where I harbor eternal hope in these situations, reality suggusts that hope is misplaced, energy wasted. Good for now I guess. I hope you are well, as well you should be.
Whatever your condition/unconditionally!
love always...
Dave
Was lonely a lot today. Going back and forth with my X over various issues. She brings me down, but everytime reinforces that I do not want to ever be with her again. So, that led the heart strings to start pulling in directions where I have little promise for the future, yet still share intense bonds. Visions of what I know exists and yet the sort of thing that you never find when you are intently looking. I hate that I am now in the habbit of looking for wedding rings on people's hands, well...mostly ladies hands. Having to jump through all the hoops of getting to know someone is something I look forward to, but hasn't seemed to play out all that well so far. The last thing I seek now is to jump into a serious relationship, but I am so tactile...I long for hand-holding, curling up together, fingers in my hair, snuggeling, sitting and talking under the stars over a bottle of wine, anything on the beach, but mostly just walking together, playing in the water all day, bowling, a movie, cookin in, dancing, whispering in each-other's ears, being moved to poetry, having someone actually care about what you do and go through everyday.
I can only hope there are people like that out there. Like I said, I have seen glimpses with people who were beyond my reach, and where I harbor eternal hope in these situations, reality suggusts that hope is misplaced, energy wasted. Good for now I guess. I hope you are well, as well you should be.
Whatever your condition/unconditionally!
love always...
Dave
Monday, October 19, 2009
Doctor Update
I miss a morning at school to go back to my ENT. She looks and says the nasal pollops are smaller, although I have had no relief. First she sends the hoover up in there to slurp out what she could. I could feel her nick me several times as she was playing tug of war with this 'thing'. She says she wants to throw steroids at it again. I get a massive injection and oral (hmm!?!) pills to start tomorrow. More wait and see...
Decent day after that. Nothing outta the Ordinary at school, had 2 hours paperwork afterschool, band has a UIL contest tomorrow so they were practicing this evening. I went out a watched them for about an hour.
I continue to be haunted by the demons. They hide in the corners and are more than willing to focus my attention at things I've done, haven't done or wished I could do. I recently talked to someone and there was some profanity. This person responded back 'you wish!', and the more I think about it, I'm like hell yes I wish. I miss the sense of humor as much as I miss the physical. Well, I await $2.84 of truth, revelation, explaination, rationalitation and who knows what else.
no matter ur condition, unconditionally.
Love always,
Dave
Decent day after that. Nothing outta the Ordinary at school, had 2 hours paperwork afterschool, band has a UIL contest tomorrow so they were practicing this evening. I went out a watched them for about an hour.
I continue to be haunted by the demons. They hide in the corners and are more than willing to focus my attention at things I've done, haven't done or wished I could do. I recently talked to someone and there was some profanity. This person responded back 'you wish!', and the more I think about it, I'm like hell yes I wish. I miss the sense of humor as much as I miss the physical. Well, I await $2.84 of truth, revelation, explaination, rationalitation and who knows what else.
no matter ur condition, unconditionally.
Love always,
Dave
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Smell of Cheese
It is almost one month since I pushed the send button on an inquiry about a person from my past. That one button has caused untold pain for four people plus untold collateral damage. I have to come to grips with the fact that is was completely my own fault, and I do not know what pain lies ahead for them because of my actions.
All that being true, I must go the day to day carrying intense feelings, feelings that cannot be acted on. We all know that we live our lives, make our decisions and accept the consequences of our actions. I preach this to high schoolers everyday. Above all, I must live by example, and I must choose what to do with the guilt and regret for my part in damaging these lives.
I caught my Ex. is a similar situation allbeit she was seeking out strangers. So, these situations are different....and the same. At this point, what's a little more guilt and condemnation. I accept it willingly and make no excuses for my actions. "I'm sorry" changes nothing, but for whatever it's worth, I am. I hope that my feelings fade as I hope this groups' healing will grow.
May your future be what you make it...
Mr. Rat
All that being true, I must go the day to day carrying intense feelings, feelings that cannot be acted on. We all know that we live our lives, make our decisions and accept the consequences of our actions. I preach this to high schoolers everyday. Above all, I must live by example, and I must choose what to do with the guilt and regret for my part in damaging these lives.
I caught my Ex. is a similar situation allbeit she was seeking out strangers. So, these situations are different....and the same. At this point, what's a little more guilt and condemnation. I accept it willingly and make no excuses for my actions. "I'm sorry" changes nothing, but for whatever it's worth, I am. I hope that my feelings fade as I hope this groups' healing will grow.
May your future be what you make it...
Mr. Rat
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Various
SO, I went to have my CT scan done Wednesday morning. Walked in and they started talking about me paying $500 bones. I thought maybe they needed a ct scan. So, no chance of me being able to pay that anyday soon. I am back to the ENT Monday.
Another week, another ride on the emotional roller coaster. I am understanding this is more the norm, than not. The abruptness of certain things is understandable. No matter who you are, we should try to go after the things we think are important in life. In my situation of having left my wife, I am often what visited by the thought, "Would I be better off with her? Would I ever want to be back with her?" The answer time and again is no.
I have seen what life can be and that is what I will go after. You should too.
I'm grateful for cooler weather, really nice to have the windows open.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love u....
Dave
Another week, another ride on the emotional roller coaster. I am understanding this is more the norm, than not. The abruptness of certain things is understandable. No matter who you are, we should try to go after the things we think are important in life. In my situation of having left my wife, I am often what visited by the thought, "Would I be better off with her? Would I ever want to be back with her?" The answer time and again is no.
I have seen what life can be and that is what I will go after. You should too.
I'm grateful for cooler weather, really nice to have the windows open.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love u....
Dave
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Birthday Wonderings
I turned 42 today, and continue the great transition from dysfuntional family dude to somewhat healthy single guy. Lots to dump today, so we'll see how long I can focus.
I found out that I'm not going to make shit on the house I'm trying to sell. Payoff is 177,170. and currently asking 199,990, but the realtor thinks we need to drop price 10K. I have to clean 4K just to pay some bills, so there's one screw job.
I'm in for a ct scan on my dome in the morning. I have been fighting a wicked sinus 'thing' for 2 months, 6 different antibiotics, 3 rounds of steroids, more over the counter meds than I care to remember. I'm heading towards a nasal clean-out and I really could care less at this point. So tired of feeling like crap, not being able to breath, dizzy-spells.
I am developing a somewhat disturbing inclination towards unavailable people. Since leaving my ex, I have gone through at least two bouts of being in the situation of an emoitionally extreme sharing, only to have them both go South. I have been emotionally repressed for about the last ten years. I am extremely tactile, and have slowly gone numb to feeling and expressing. These two situations have been bittersweet at best. It was life changing to be exposed to 'feeling' again. I do not regret either of these experiences because they have shown me what I've been missing, what I've lost, parts of me that had closed down or disappeared behind walls. Anyway, I know I have lurkers and I am not trying to get anyone introuble here. Both of these situations are over, and I have lost contact with the most recent. (...hoping I am being clear here to those in the wind) I have a tremendous amount of feelings and love to share and without these two examples, without being reminded what things could be like, should be like. I wouldn't have grown. We beg the eternal question, "Is it better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved?" For me it is much better. I just finished a 14 hour day at school. When I'm flying 10,000MPH on my educational spaceship, I can forget emotional pain and quite a bit of physical pain. Usually on the way home, I amable to sluff off the day, and it's then that I get hit in the gut, sorta lose my breath for a second. Realize something is missing, but I do know now that something is missing. There is something to persue, something I had once apon a time with my ex that I need to find again, that I have glimpsed again.
It seems I am having bad luck on the chocolates I am taking out of the box. Sooner or later I'll get the right one.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love you,
Dave
I found out that I'm not going to make shit on the house I'm trying to sell. Payoff is 177,170. and currently asking 199,990, but the realtor thinks we need to drop price 10K. I have to clean 4K just to pay some bills, so there's one screw job.
I'm in for a ct scan on my dome in the morning. I have been fighting a wicked sinus 'thing' for 2 months, 6 different antibiotics, 3 rounds of steroids, more over the counter meds than I care to remember. I'm heading towards a nasal clean-out and I really could care less at this point. So tired of feeling like crap, not being able to breath, dizzy-spells.
I am developing a somewhat disturbing inclination towards unavailable people. Since leaving my ex, I have gone through at least two bouts of being in the situation of an emoitionally extreme sharing, only to have them both go South. I have been emotionally repressed for about the last ten years. I am extremely tactile, and have slowly gone numb to feeling and expressing. These two situations have been bittersweet at best. It was life changing to be exposed to 'feeling' again. I do not regret either of these experiences because they have shown me what I've been missing, what I've lost, parts of me that had closed down or disappeared behind walls. Anyway, I know I have lurkers and I am not trying to get anyone introuble here. Both of these situations are over, and I have lost contact with the most recent. (...hoping I am being clear here to those in the wind) I have a tremendous amount of feelings and love to share and without these two examples, without being reminded what things could be like, should be like. I wouldn't have grown. We beg the eternal question, "Is it better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved?" For me it is much better. I just finished a 14 hour day at school. When I'm flying 10,000MPH on my educational spaceship, I can forget emotional pain and quite a bit of physical pain. Usually on the way home, I amable to sluff off the day, and it's then that I get hit in the gut, sorta lose my breath for a second. Realize something is missing, but I do know now that something is missing. There is something to persue, something I had once apon a time with my ex that I need to find again, that I have glimpsed again.
It seems I am having bad luck on the chocolates I am taking out of the box. Sooner or later I'll get the right one.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love you,
Dave
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Flannagan's advice to his born son's....
If Flannagan's child, a boy should be, wait...I have three boys. The are 17, 15 and 10. This is a word of advice to them, all males and actually anyone looking for wisdom.
I was at the gas station this morning. I saw a pretty lady, and thought yo myself..."Self..." A thought occured to me that has popped up often lately. I had a beautiful woman, married her and were together 20 years. She had some issues that prevented her from being able to fully share herself. It was completely frustrating and tragic. I felt like the beggar at the buffett with no way to eat, slowly starving to death in plain view of the food.
I am way past looking for a 'hottie' or maybe its not that as much as understanding the importance and priority of personality, self-concept, affection, attraction and more. We have to be careful placing too much emphasis to the physical, because there is just so much more to the equation. I look at every lady with a different pair of eyes now. Firstly because I am again single, and secondly because the last thing I want and need is some Barbi who is psycho....been there had that, trying to get past the scars.
Some need to realize that being a 'hottie' is not a physical-only label. To me, it is more attitude. I'm sure some of you ladies are 100% more hottie because of attitude than those who view it as what they look like. Some of you should avoid making the mistake of down-playing your looks. This hurts you and any love interest that may be in your life. Do any of us ever, actually, reach the place where we think we are perfect. Even if you take the Knife for 'upgrades', you will never achieve the look you have in your mind's eye of what beauty is. Lord knows I tried and tried to convince my ex of that...she never bought in......again, tragic.
So, to my boys or any boys....(Warning: Cliche aproaching....)beauty is only skin deep. So true, so true, so true. Wether it is you or someone else, cut yourself some slack! This is much different than being a slacker.
Again I maintain this for some future lady....I will love you anytime, place, state of mind, weight, scars, baggage, kids, family, financial status and condition....unconditionally!
Cocktails and Dreams....
Dave
I was at the gas station this morning. I saw a pretty lady, and thought yo myself..."Self..." A thought occured to me that has popped up often lately. I had a beautiful woman, married her and were together 20 years. She had some issues that prevented her from being able to fully share herself. It was completely frustrating and tragic. I felt like the beggar at the buffett with no way to eat, slowly starving to death in plain view of the food.
I am way past looking for a 'hottie' or maybe its not that as much as understanding the importance and priority of personality, self-concept, affection, attraction and more. We have to be careful placing too much emphasis to the physical, because there is just so much more to the equation. I look at every lady with a different pair of eyes now. Firstly because I am again single, and secondly because the last thing I want and need is some Barbi who is psycho....been there had that, trying to get past the scars.
Some need to realize that being a 'hottie' is not a physical-only label. To me, it is more attitude. I'm sure some of you ladies are 100% more hottie because of attitude than those who view it as what they look like. Some of you should avoid making the mistake of down-playing your looks. This hurts you and any love interest that may be in your life. Do any of us ever, actually, reach the place where we think we are perfect. Even if you take the Knife for 'upgrades', you will never achieve the look you have in your mind's eye of what beauty is. Lord knows I tried and tried to convince my ex of that...she never bought in......again, tragic.
So, to my boys or any boys....(Warning: Cliche aproaching....)beauty is only skin deep. So true, so true, so true. Wether it is you or someone else, cut yourself some slack! This is much different than being a slacker.
Again I maintain this for some future lady....I will love you anytime, place, state of mind, weight, scars, baggage, kids, family, financial status and condition....unconditionally!
Cocktails and Dreams....
Dave
Friday, October 9, 2009
Is it what it is??
A most difficult week, actually a manic range of emotions. We had a situation at work with a student. We have worked so hard to work for the victories, and even harder to overcome the setbacks. We lost this kid this week.
I love my kids so much, pour out my heart and everything I am into these kids. When you make yourself vunerable to another, you risk tremendous loss. It is easy for anybody to hide behind walls, excuses, titles, relationships or whatever the hell is convient. I believe you can only reach an honesty with people, students, parents, kids if you are willing to meet them where they are.
It has been an emotionally exhausting week with this student and things took a traumatic turn towards a negative outcome. It has been extremely heart-wretching. Its like you can still see this student in your minds-eye, but can't reach out to do anything to help them....or yourself.
I do have the problem of caring too much. I would actually err on the side of caring too much rather than not caring enough. Personal life, school life. This was one of the worst parts of my marriage eroding. For years I have been without someone to share the day to day....still am. I have caught glimpses of what it's like, what it's supposed to be like.
Well, I tell myself the hurt goes away...it doesn't. You never forget the ones you lose. You see glimpses of them all over the school. Moments, thoughts, so many experiences that are now only reminders of ghosts. You try to focus on the other kids, but it takes time for the edge to ease. So, it is what it is....or is it?
unconditionally yours,
Dave
I love my kids so much, pour out my heart and everything I am into these kids. When you make yourself vunerable to another, you risk tremendous loss. It is easy for anybody to hide behind walls, excuses, titles, relationships or whatever the hell is convient. I believe you can only reach an honesty with people, students, parents, kids if you are willing to meet them where they are.
It has been an emotionally exhausting week with this student and things took a traumatic turn towards a negative outcome. It has been extremely heart-wretching. Its like you can still see this student in your minds-eye, but can't reach out to do anything to help them....or yourself.
I do have the problem of caring too much. I would actually err on the side of caring too much rather than not caring enough. Personal life, school life. This was one of the worst parts of my marriage eroding. For years I have been without someone to share the day to day....still am. I have caught glimpses of what it's like, what it's supposed to be like.
Well, I tell myself the hurt goes away...it doesn't. You never forget the ones you lose. You see glimpses of them all over the school. Moments, thoughts, so many experiences that are now only reminders of ghosts. You try to focus on the other kids, but it takes time for the edge to ease. So, it is what it is....or is it?
unconditionally yours,
Dave
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Randomness
I have made some promises to some people, so I feel obligated to use this resource. In my current life stage, I spend a lot of time alone. Which is to say, when I am not being the moral compass to my high school of about 600 kids. I know, me...moral comapss. I sort of vasicilate between moral compass and rat, thusly...there are times when the smell of cheese is all I know.
Since I left my ex on 5/25/09, I have not wanted to be back with her once. The one thing that I really miss is the ability to share the day to day and have someone revel in it with you and actually care. I did not lose this last May, but prolly closer to 10 years ago. As I approach 42 I realize, I sacrificed my 30's in a dying relationship, staying together for the kids, can't afford to divorce type of situation. It bothers me on several levels...
I'll never get that decade back...it is gone.
By the way...I always will completely accept my half of the divorce blame, so I accept the heat for my side of the blame.
When I find someone who I can share with, and pour my repressed emotional stores on, I will have considerably less time with that person.
I really am not looking for the impossible. My ex stopped asking about how the teams I coached did, in 20 years I could count the times she sat and watch a sport with me on one hand although I 'chick-flicked' or 'lifetime-movied' with her plenty. I would have laid an egg if she ever troubled herself or even paid attention to something as slight as MAN U.
Anyway, I have found a few times when I could share and experience someone actually give a batshit about what happens, and I do long for that.
In '95 I eraned my Master's degree in Secondary Education with a Mid-Management certificate. I actually started interviewing for an Assistant Principal's poistion in '94. I was ready to move my family practically anywhere. I interviewed everywhere from the Houston area, Dallas, East Texas to the outskirts of Austin.
I even got down to the final 2 in two different districts summer '95. To make this point, I have mad interviewing skillz. It got to be the running joke, that I always interviwed great, heard how much they liked me and that I was amazing. Yet, always the bride's maid..... It was always very frustrating to hear you were amazing, but it wasn't you they wanted. This emotionally rollar coaster was an extreme strain on my marriage and no doubt a factor in it dying.
My heart is ripe with such a myriad of emotions at this point in life. To the lady I will find one day...let me make you a promise......
I will take you anytime, place, situation, health, weight, kids or condition.....UNCONDITIONALLY!
Love always,
Dave
Since I left my ex on 5/25/09, I have not wanted to be back with her once. The one thing that I really miss is the ability to share the day to day and have someone revel in it with you and actually care. I did not lose this last May, but prolly closer to 10 years ago. As I approach 42 I realize, I sacrificed my 30's in a dying relationship, staying together for the kids, can't afford to divorce type of situation. It bothers me on several levels...
I'll never get that decade back...it is gone.
By the way...I always will completely accept my half of the divorce blame, so I accept the heat for my side of the blame.
When I find someone who I can share with, and pour my repressed emotional stores on, I will have considerably less time with that person.
I really am not looking for the impossible. My ex stopped asking about how the teams I coached did, in 20 years I could count the times she sat and watch a sport with me on one hand although I 'chick-flicked' or 'lifetime-movied' with her plenty. I would have laid an egg if she ever troubled herself or even paid attention to something as slight as MAN U.
Anyway, I have found a few times when I could share and experience someone actually give a batshit about what happens, and I do long for that.
In '95 I eraned my Master's degree in Secondary Education with a Mid-Management certificate. I actually started interviewing for an Assistant Principal's poistion in '94. I was ready to move my family practically anywhere. I interviewed everywhere from the Houston area, Dallas, East Texas to the outskirts of Austin.
I even got down to the final 2 in two different districts summer '95. To make this point, I have mad interviewing skillz. It got to be the running joke, that I always interviwed great, heard how much they liked me and that I was amazing. Yet, always the bride's maid..... It was always very frustrating to hear you were amazing, but it wasn't you they wanted. This emotionally rollar coaster was an extreme strain on my marriage and no doubt a factor in it dying.
My heart is ripe with such a myriad of emotions at this point in life. To the lady I will find one day...let me make you a promise......
I will take you anytime, place, situation, health, weight, kids or condition.....UNCONDITIONALLY!
Love always,
Dave
Apollo13
For sure one of my very fav movies. "You just never know what events will transpire to get you home." We never know what the day will present us do deal with in our lives, personal or private.
I recently had a contact with someone from my past, yet she is unobtainable. She has cut off any and all communication with me, so I am pretty sure I know what happened. I hope that she, and the people around her, are willing to do the necessary things to grow together. Please put shame and pride aside, try to look past pain to the place healing can begin. Go there hand in hand, side by side, one step at a time. Travel the road to recovery with minds and hearts open, because if you can't change the person you are....you will only travel a circle to find yourself back here in the future.
"This can be the biggest loss in the history of NASA." or "I believe this will be our brightest day." The course of the ship is out of my hands now. I long to hear about the successful capture of our astronauts. Conserve you food and do your best to stay warm through the very cold of space. The world is pulling for you.
Godspeed
I recently had a contact with someone from my past, yet she is unobtainable. She has cut off any and all communication with me, so I am pretty sure I know what happened. I hope that she, and the people around her, are willing to do the necessary things to grow together. Please put shame and pride aside, try to look past pain to the place healing can begin. Go there hand in hand, side by side, one step at a time. Travel the road to recovery with minds and hearts open, because if you can't change the person you are....you will only travel a circle to find yourself back here in the future.
"This can be the biggest loss in the history of NASA." or "I believe this will be our brightest day." The course of the ship is out of my hands now. I long to hear about the successful capture of our astronauts. Conserve you food and do your best to stay warm through the very cold of space. The world is pulling for you.
Godspeed
Monday, September 21, 2009
whoops
So...haven't hit this up for a while. School is back and there is the majority of my time. My ex-wife and children moved to San Antonio, which is about 4 hours from me. My 2 older boys, a junior and soph, seem to be dealing ok. They are both playing football for their new high school. My only girl, 12, not so good. She is sad most the time, and she and I spend time on the phone crying. I spend a lot of time apologizing. My youngest boy, 10, seems to be doing good.
I am struggling mostly financially. I am stuck trying to sell our house, and until it sells I will be in a wretched place with money. All things considered, there hasn't been a single time I have thought about getting back with my ex.
Actually, I have been more upset over a friend turned more when I moved out of the house last spring. I am very lucky that I have a couple close friends that watch out for me and make me go out and do stuff. I know things will calm down...just really need to sell this house. I'll do better about writing...
love always..
Dave
I am struggling mostly financially. I am stuck trying to sell our house, and until it sells I will be in a wretched place with money. All things considered, there hasn't been a single time I have thought about getting back with my ex.
Actually, I have been more upset over a friend turned more when I moved out of the house last spring. I am very lucky that I have a couple close friends that watch out for me and make me go out and do stuff. I know things will calm down...just really need to sell this house. I'll do better about writing...
love always..
Dave
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Results from court...
Hello to everyone! I hope this Thursday finds you well. Tuesday morning I had my first divorce court hearing. Fortunately, there not many issues my Ex and I are not agreeable on. I spent most of Monday back and forth on the phone with my lawyer as he went back and forth with her lawyer. So, we went into court with everything agreed upon.
The results are that my Ex will be moving to San Antonio with my kids. SA is about 225 miles from Cleveland, Tx. which is about 45 miles north of Houston. Every other weekend, we will find a place in the middle to transfer the kids. They have 30 days to get moved, and as soon as the car pulls away, a for sale sign will hit the yard. I will be hopeing against hope that it sells before I have to pay the house note, my rent and child support...gonna have problems if that happens.
The good thing is I should be able to walk away from the house with a little money, we'll see. After 18 years of marriage it comes down to this. We had our ups and downs like anybody else does. The past several years things have gotten worse, finances gotten worse, our relationship passed the point of no return. Since I've left, haven't missed her and really felt a huge weight lifted being away from her. I really hate it for my kids, especially now that they are being uprooted just so my Ex can be by her parents, but they had us together for a lot longer than a lot of kids. I love them so much, and I will always be there for them.
Now I need to take this chance to discover who I am and what I have to offer soeone else. I have lost 12 pounds since February, down to 205. I haven't been at this weight for a long time, so this is another benefit of the split. I am doing everything I can to keep the relationship with my Ex workable, agreeable. I want her to find what she's looking for also and be happy again, I don't wish her ill.
Thanks for taking a few minutes of your life to read about mine.
I love you!
Dave
The results are that my Ex will be moving to San Antonio with my kids. SA is about 225 miles from Cleveland, Tx. which is about 45 miles north of Houston. Every other weekend, we will find a place in the middle to transfer the kids. They have 30 days to get moved, and as soon as the car pulls away, a for sale sign will hit the yard. I will be hopeing against hope that it sells before I have to pay the house note, my rent and child support...gonna have problems if that happens.
The good thing is I should be able to walk away from the house with a little money, we'll see. After 18 years of marriage it comes down to this. We had our ups and downs like anybody else does. The past several years things have gotten worse, finances gotten worse, our relationship passed the point of no return. Since I've left, haven't missed her and really felt a huge weight lifted being away from her. I really hate it for my kids, especially now that they are being uprooted just so my Ex can be by her parents, but they had us together for a lot longer than a lot of kids. I love them so much, and I will always be there for them.
Now I need to take this chance to discover who I am and what I have to offer soeone else. I have lost 12 pounds since February, down to 205. I haven't been at this weight for a long time, so this is another benefit of the split. I am doing everything I can to keep the relationship with my Ex workable, agreeable. I want her to find what she's looking for also and be happy again, I don't wish her ill.
Thanks for taking a few minutes of your life to read about mine.
I love you!
Dave
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Weekend
So, how was your weekend? I really didn't do too much. I did go out Friday night with some friends to a cowboy bar. I had been there once before with them. I really went to finally meet a friend of my friends. I had spoken to her several times during the weekend. She works quite a lot, so there hadn't been a time for us to meet yet. We are planning on spending some time together soon...I hope. She is quite lovely, and we continue to talk.
An unexpected friend insisted I borrow an extra truck he has, solving quite a few problems in one foul swoop. The biggest thing is I don't have to bother anyone for a ride to court.
I am soooooo looking forward to my first court hearing Tuesday morning, with the added benefit of seeing my dearest father-in-law, the two-face that he is. I plan on taking the high road and not saying anything to either of them if that is possible. I will update Tuesday or Wednesday....
I love you!
Dave
An unexpected friend insisted I borrow an extra truck he has, solving quite a few problems in one foul swoop. The biggest thing is I don't have to bother anyone for a ride to court.
I am soooooo looking forward to my first court hearing Tuesday morning, with the added benefit of seeing my dearest father-in-law, the two-face that he is. I plan on taking the high road and not saying anything to either of them if that is possible. I will update Tuesday or Wednesday....
I love you!
Dave
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Checking in
I have a 2000 Mercury Villager Mini van, not the most desirable ride, but it is the vechicle I took when I moved out of the house. Its paid for and reliable. I know that with 88K miles, it will need repairs in the near future. I get paid once a month on the 25th, not the best way to get paid, but what cha gonna do?
Trying to be proactive, I purchase a car warranty to cover the repairs I will come across. I have to put down $300.00, and the coverage starts 30 days after purchase. Looking good, right? Well, the next weekend it breaks down as I was returning from seeing my kids. I get it towed to the garage and find out the fuel filter is bad. Total $182. They tell me the alternator/dist. cap need fixin also. I explained how I was trying to hold out till the warranty started. July 4th, I go take my 2 little kids to the parade and a movie. The van starts doing the same crap.
I get towed again, and I'm looking at $625.00 for the repair of the alternator/dist. cap. There is no way for me to pay until July 25th, so I am without a ride for 2 weeks. Everything I need for survival is within walking distance, except for my kids.
Oops, I do have my first court date on July 14th, so I am having to rent a car to get to that. All in all, it really could have been much worse, and if this is as bad as it gets, I still understand many have things much worse than I. As many of you know, the transition into divorced life has its hurdles, and this is just one of them.
Speaking of the court date...My dear ole father-in-law is making the trek from San Antonio to accompany his dear daughter to the proceedings. Luckily there are metal dectectors there to prevent him from bring heat into the court. We have very little and the only matter of contention with the divorce is the request for alimony. I wont get into the details, but we will see what happens. I have been paying the child support, half of medical bills and keeping kids on my insurance for the past 2 months, so I am trying to do right by them.
I'll let you know how things go on the 14th.
I Love You!
David
Trying to be proactive, I purchase a car warranty to cover the repairs I will come across. I have to put down $300.00, and the coverage starts 30 days after purchase. Looking good, right? Well, the next weekend it breaks down as I was returning from seeing my kids. I get it towed to the garage and find out the fuel filter is bad. Total $182. They tell me the alternator/dist. cap need fixin also. I explained how I was trying to hold out till the warranty started. July 4th, I go take my 2 little kids to the parade and a movie. The van starts doing the same crap.
I get towed again, and I'm looking at $625.00 for the repair of the alternator/dist. cap. There is no way for me to pay until July 25th, so I am without a ride for 2 weeks. Everything I need for survival is within walking distance, except for my kids.
Oops, I do have my first court date on July 14th, so I am having to rent a car to get to that. All in all, it really could have been much worse, and if this is as bad as it gets, I still understand many have things much worse than I. As many of you know, the transition into divorced life has its hurdles, and this is just one of them.
Speaking of the court date...My dear ole father-in-law is making the trek from San Antonio to accompany his dear daughter to the proceedings. Luckily there are metal dectectors there to prevent him from bring heat into the court. We have very little and the only matter of contention with the divorce is the request for alimony. I wont get into the details, but we will see what happens. I have been paying the child support, half of medical bills and keeping kids on my insurance for the past 2 months, so I am trying to do right by them.
I'll let you know how things go on the 14th.
I Love You!
David
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Angel
Imagine slowly losing the ability to feel. To feel warmth, the sun, physical contact...everything. Slowly numbing, day by day, over a period of years. Retreating within, building walls, making atempts to regain my senses. The harder I try, the more it slipped away. I cry out, but my cries no longer reach past the walls I retreated behind.
One day, in the process of turning away from the source of pain, someone reaches over the walls, past the cries, through years of pain to show the way out. Suddenly, the numbness is gone. I see clearly for the first time in years. Feelings flooded back that were felt again...for the very first time. The happiness and joy, to see after being blind, to hear after being mute, to taste freedom after years in prison.
But...the angel that reached over the walls, the healing touch misread, taken for more, so much more, than it really was. As priceless as that release was, it is ripped away in a flash. The shame of misreading affection. The bitter-sweetness of healing the hard way. The future I had hoped for was changed.
I refuse to rebuild the walls. I have felt again and I will continue to look for chances to feel again. The healing that occured will not be for not. I will step forward, not back. The angel is still there, a part of everyday life. Precious and valued, bitter-sweet. The cries from within are gone, but new cries are heard. Cries for what could have been, what might be, that the one that brought healing becomes the one. The one to dote on, put on a pedistal, treat like a princess, respect, admire, edify...complete. Time heals, one way or another, the cries within.
One day, in the process of turning away from the source of pain, someone reaches over the walls, past the cries, through years of pain to show the way out. Suddenly, the numbness is gone. I see clearly for the first time in years. Feelings flooded back that were felt again...for the very first time. The happiness and joy, to see after being blind, to hear after being mute, to taste freedom after years in prison.
But...the angel that reached over the walls, the healing touch misread, taken for more, so much more, than it really was. As priceless as that release was, it is ripped away in a flash. The shame of misreading affection. The bitter-sweetness of healing the hard way. The future I had hoped for was changed.
I refuse to rebuild the walls. I have felt again and I will continue to look for chances to feel again. The healing that occured will not be for not. I will step forward, not back. The angel is still there, a part of everyday life. Precious and valued, bitter-sweet. The cries from within are gone, but new cries are heard. Cries for what could have been, what might be, that the one that brought healing becomes the one. The one to dote on, put on a pedistal, treat like a princess, respect, admire, edify...complete. Time heals, one way or another, the cries within.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
a bleeding heart...
I tried to sleep, but my heart hurts too much. Where do you put all the emotions you want to share with someone who doesn't want them. I am a very tactile person. I need touching, caressing, holding, cuddleing and more, but I have been starved those simple touches for years.
I have been starved for air, food, water in a relationship with bare cupboards. Yet in the end of it all, there was that one. The one who was familiar and became more. The one that played with me, allowed me to flirt and flirtted back. The one who would provide a simple touch. OH! It was like bread to a beggar,a drink to the parched. Rays of light and hope shined down on me. With every step down that path,I metamorphisied from the malnourshed form I was slowly back into something human
The rebirth you made me feel was supernatural, incredible, unbelieveable. You had erased years of marks on me with a single eraser. I was bright,shinney, prestine, all because of you. My heart whole again, beating, stronger, faster. Nothing to fear and no one to harm.
Then from the blindside,the single sharp stab...through the heart. The bubble burst as the bleeding heart started. The would now weeks old is still as raw, red, inflamed, angry as the day it was made. My mind needs only to drift a short distance to remember the renewal and mountaintop it was on and the subsequent plummit to the jagged rocks below, where it was pierced.
A bleeding heart for the wound never heals, only becomes part of who we are. A reminder of mistakes made, of a better time, of a place I can only hope to reach again. I only wish it could be with you...again.
I have been starved for air, food, water in a relationship with bare cupboards. Yet in the end of it all, there was that one. The one who was familiar and became more. The one that played with me, allowed me to flirt and flirtted back. The one who would provide a simple touch. OH! It was like bread to a beggar,a drink to the parched. Rays of light and hope shined down on me. With every step down that path,I metamorphisied from the malnourshed form I was slowly back into something human
The rebirth you made me feel was supernatural, incredible, unbelieveable. You had erased years of marks on me with a single eraser. I was bright,shinney, prestine, all because of you. My heart whole again, beating, stronger, faster. Nothing to fear and no one to harm.
Then from the blindside,the single sharp stab...through the heart. The bubble burst as the bleeding heart started. The would now weeks old is still as raw, red, inflamed, angry as the day it was made. My mind needs only to drift a short distance to remember the renewal and mountaintop it was on and the subsequent plummit to the jagged rocks below, where it was pierced.
A bleeding heart for the wound never heals, only becomes part of who we are. A reminder of mistakes made, of a better time, of a place I can only hope to reach again. I only wish it could be with you...again.
Support
It is really incredible and quite encouraging to hear from people in different parts of the world. South Africa and France!! Thank you SO much for taking a few minutes of your life to read about mine. Please sign up to follow my blog and tell anyone else about me.
It must be an exciting time to live in South Africa, what with the World Cup next summer. I can also see where it could be a tremendous pain in the butt, depending on who you are and where you are. I am a life-love soccer fan. Here in the states, that makes me a minority. Soccer numbers have increased, but even if the US were to ever win a World Cup, the sport will never surpass the NFL, MLB and NBA. I have spent many a weekend watching european matches. I am a Man Utd fan, but I am a fan of the game first.
Anyway, welcome to everyone and please follow me.
Love always!
Dave
It must be an exciting time to live in South Africa, what with the World Cup next summer. I can also see where it could be a tremendous pain in the butt, depending on who you are and where you are. I am a life-love soccer fan. Here in the states, that makes me a minority. Soccer numbers have increased, but even if the US were to ever win a World Cup, the sport will never surpass the NFL, MLB and NBA. I have spent many a weekend watching european matches. I am a Man Utd fan, but I am a fan of the game first.
Anyway, welcome to everyone and please follow me.
Love always!
Dave
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Workin' it (my excercise journal)
Here is where I will keep my excercise information. I hit 217 pounds early in 2009, that is the heaviest I have EVER been. For the past couple years I have really not excercised at all. I started working out June 1st. I would rollerblade and bike. I hate jogging, but worked it in a little. So here I will detail my excercise as much for me as for you.
6-27-09 Sat. am track, walk 1 lap, jog 1 lap, w1, j2, w1, j1, w1.
pm bike 45 min
6-28-09 Sun. pm bike 60 min
6-29-09 Mon am track, walk 1, w1 w/up/down bleachers 4-did that for 4 laps, w1
weight 207.8
6-30-09 Tue am track, w1, j1, w1, j2, w1, j1, w2.
7-1-09 Wed walked 2 miles today, felt kinda lazy...
weight 207.0
7-2-09 Thu am track w2, 4 laps sprint straights/walk curves, w2.
Got lazy for a few days, 7-3, 7-4, 7-5.
7-6-09 Mon am track w2, 2 ss/wc, w1, ss/wc 1, w1.
7-7-09 Tue am track w2, j3, w2
pm bike 45 min
weight 205.2
7-8-09 Wed am track w2, 4 ss/wc, w2
pm track w2, j1, w1, j1, w2
7-9-09 Thu am track w2, j1, w1, j1, w1, j1, w2
pm bike 60 minutes
7-10 through 7-14-nothing.
Actually had some people notice I had lost weight! I had to dress up yesterday
for the first time in a while. I had to move to a new hole in my belt, that felt good.
7-15-09 Wed pm track w2, 2 ss/wc, w2, 1 ss/wc, w1
7-16-09 Thu am track w2, j2, w2, j1, w2
pm track w4 w/ a friend.
weight 206.6
7-17-09 Fri am track w2, 4 ss/wc, w2
7-18-09 Sat am track w4
Bike in the shop...
7-19-09 Sun am track w2, j2, w2
6-27-09 Sat. am track, walk 1 lap, jog 1 lap, w1, j2, w1, j1, w1.
pm bike 45 min
6-28-09 Sun. pm bike 60 min
6-29-09 Mon am track, walk 1, w1 w/up/down bleachers 4-did that for 4 laps, w1
weight 207.8
6-30-09 Tue am track, w1, j1, w1, j2, w1, j1, w2.
7-1-09 Wed walked 2 miles today, felt kinda lazy...
weight 207.0
7-2-09 Thu am track w2, 4 laps sprint straights/walk curves, w2.
Got lazy for a few days, 7-3, 7-4, 7-5.
7-6-09 Mon am track w2, 2 ss/wc, w1, ss/wc 1, w1.
7-7-09 Tue am track w2, j3, w2
pm bike 45 min
weight 205.2
7-8-09 Wed am track w2, 4 ss/wc, w2
pm track w2, j1, w1, j1, w2
7-9-09 Thu am track w2, j1, w1, j1, w1, j1, w2
pm bike 60 minutes
7-10 through 7-14-nothing.
Actually had some people notice I had lost weight! I had to dress up yesterday
for the first time in a while. I had to move to a new hole in my belt, that felt good.
7-15-09 Wed pm track w2, 2 ss/wc, w2, 1 ss/wc, w1
7-16-09 Thu am track w2, j2, w2, j1, w2
pm track w4 w/ a friend.
weight 206.6
7-17-09 Fri am track w2, 4 ss/wc, w2
7-18-09 Sat am track w4
Bike in the shop...
7-19-09 Sun am track w2, j2, w2
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monsters-in-Laws
If you are married, you have your own stories, I'm sure. If you are one that has wonderful in-laws, then you have it good. I always thought that I had a split. My MIL and I have just about always butted heads, while my FIL and I got on pretty well. I certainly had it better than some. There is no way to count the number of times they have helped us financially. I am grateful for each of those times.
During the past year, as it became increasingly obvious that the marriage was over, my FIL became callous and combative.
Somewhere during my wife's two stays in a mental hospital in Jan. and Feb. '09, my FIL and I were texting to eachother. He was telling me that in December'08, when my wife had hooked up with another man 'for dinner', that she was not herself and I should not hold it against her. I pointed out that I took care of everything: her, her job, the kids, the house and my job, all the while discovering about this infidelity. I didn't bring it up until she was out of the hospital. My FIL told me the following,"I am sure your feelings are hurt and she had certainly used bad judgement, but I NEEDED TO GET OVER IT!!" He told me to get over it.
Ladies, how often do you simply get over a husbund's infidelity?? What if the positions were reversed?? There is no way in hell my wife would simply, get over it.
So, knowing there was just cause to keep tabs on her, I started checking up on her phone and labeled her numbers so it showed me on my cell bill what numbers were being used. I found out that she had gone to a lawyer, so I started to prepare for my life on my own. The first thing was to open a checking account. I took half of what was in our checkig account, $800, and opened an account at a different bank.
Well, after a couple days the phone rings and it was the wife flipping out about the missing money. As I drove home FIL called. He then texts me "CALL ME".
When I do he is asking me if I have a drug problem, do I have a gambling problem? We can get you help if you do...(playing the 'loving' FIL...) He then starts pounding me about me being broke and how I will end up exactly like my father when he died 3 years ago, broke. Finally, I give in to returning the money, although I still left a little there to keep the account open.
Next, he accuses me of being a stalker!!!!!! He was telling me about all the felonies I was committing by having my wife's phone tapped. Stalking...my own wife...who I have proof of being adulterous. At that point I told him we were done. In more ways than one because that was the last time we had any communication. (never had anything tapped by the way...) There's my psycho in-law story. I hope you don't have any.
I love you!
Dave
During the past year, as it became increasingly obvious that the marriage was over, my FIL became callous and combative.
Somewhere during my wife's two stays in a mental hospital in Jan. and Feb. '09, my FIL and I were texting to eachother. He was telling me that in December'08, when my wife had hooked up with another man 'for dinner', that she was not herself and I should not hold it against her. I pointed out that I took care of everything: her, her job, the kids, the house and my job, all the while discovering about this infidelity. I didn't bring it up until she was out of the hospital. My FIL told me the following,"I am sure your feelings are hurt and she had certainly used bad judgement, but I NEEDED TO GET OVER IT!!" He told me to get over it.
Ladies, how often do you simply get over a husbund's infidelity?? What if the positions were reversed?? There is no way in hell my wife would simply, get over it.
So, knowing there was just cause to keep tabs on her, I started checking up on her phone and labeled her numbers so it showed me on my cell bill what numbers were being used. I found out that she had gone to a lawyer, so I started to prepare for my life on my own. The first thing was to open a checking account. I took half of what was in our checkig account, $800, and opened an account at a different bank.
Well, after a couple days the phone rings and it was the wife flipping out about the missing money. As I drove home FIL called. He then texts me "CALL ME".
When I do he is asking me if I have a drug problem, do I have a gambling problem? We can get you help if you do...(playing the 'loving' FIL...) He then starts pounding me about me being broke and how I will end up exactly like my father when he died 3 years ago, broke. Finally, I give in to returning the money, although I still left a little there to keep the account open.
Next, he accuses me of being a stalker!!!!!! He was telling me about all the felonies I was committing by having my wife's phone tapped. Stalking...my own wife...who I have proof of being adulterous. At that point I told him we were done. In more ways than one because that was the last time we had any communication. (never had anything tapped by the way...) There's my psycho in-law story. I hope you don't have any.
I love you!
Dave
Kids and divorce
My two smaller children were after me yesterday to come see them. I had stopped by on Saturday only to find my daughter, 12, out of town with a friend, and my youngest son, 10, at a friend's house. There was no point in staying around the house waiting for my wife to get home, so I headed back to my apartment. I live about 35 miles from them now.
My older two boys, 16 and 15, were not around either as the oldest works quite a bit as a head lifeguard. The other was out doing something with a friend's family. These two have developed into awesome guys, and I am lucky enough to have a special interest with each of them. The oldest and I share a passion for the NFL and the US Men's Soccer team. The other one and I are both wrestling fans. I took him to an episode of Monday Night Raw. It was awesome!! I will try to take my oldest to see the Houston Texans play the Ind. Colts. I love Payton Manning, so he naturally started rooting for Eli Manning. I also introduced him to Fantasy Football.
These 2 would live with me if they could choose. I don't know if that will come up when we go to court on July 14th or not. (See my previous entry about 'Divorce') I would happily take my 4 kids and be a single dad, but I can't afford to fight that battle. My wife is a good enough mom, I don't worry too much about her effects on the kids. I am in contact with the older 3 through texts almost everyday. There is the possibility that my wife will move them to San Antonio because her parents live there. That would mean moving the kids as they enter 12th, 11th, 8th and 6th grades. I think that would be the absolute worst time to move the older two. I may be able to interceed there.
I will take the kids to the pool today, prolly get some Sonic. I am bringing the second Natural Tresure movie to watch with them. (I love Nick Cage...one of my favorite actors!) I hope your day is wonderful!
I love you!
Dave
My older two boys, 16 and 15, were not around either as the oldest works quite a bit as a head lifeguard. The other was out doing something with a friend's family. These two have developed into awesome guys, and I am lucky enough to have a special interest with each of them. The oldest and I share a passion for the NFL and the US Men's Soccer team. The other one and I are both wrestling fans. I took him to an episode of Monday Night Raw. It was awesome!! I will try to take my oldest to see the Houston Texans play the Ind. Colts. I love Payton Manning, so he naturally started rooting for Eli Manning. I also introduced him to Fantasy Football.
These 2 would live with me if they could choose. I don't know if that will come up when we go to court on July 14th or not. (See my previous entry about 'Divorce') I would happily take my 4 kids and be a single dad, but I can't afford to fight that battle. My wife is a good enough mom, I don't worry too much about her effects on the kids. I am in contact with the older 3 through texts almost everyday. There is the possibility that my wife will move them to San Antonio because her parents live there. That would mean moving the kids as they enter 12th, 11th, 8th and 6th grades. I think that would be the absolute worst time to move the older two. I may be able to interceed there.
I will take the kids to the pool today, prolly get some Sonic. I am bringing the second Natural Tresure movie to watch with them. (I love Nick Cage...one of my favorite actors!) I hope your day is wonderful!
I love you!
Dave
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Being Single Again
WOW!!
The process of being by yourself again after 20 years.... WTF!!!
Is there a manual somewhere? I remember my monster-in-law when my first child was born. She was there bossing about this and that. I remember thinking to myself, "Self...where is the owner's manuel for this kid??? Now, he is 16 and again I am wondering about the manual, to life, soon to be single again at 41.
So, uh, hmmm.....Is there a good place to start? Ok, better get in a little better shape. I haven't been on a scale for a while. Last time I was I was 210, down from 217 earlier this year. I have started doing some track work 2-3 times a week. I walk a lap and jog a lap. I have also started cycling 3-4 evenings. I ride 45-60 minutes doing sprints and coasting.
I have made several changes to my diet. The biggest was to seriously lower my intake of junk. I have also been eating stuff like oatmeal, cereal, almonds, apples bananas.
Where the heck do you meet women these days?? Bars, Internet, work, church??
I don't really go to church anymore and work is not too much of an option. Give me your feedback and success stories. Thanks for your help always.
I love you!
Dave
The process of being by yourself again after 20 years.... WTF!!!
Is there a manual somewhere? I remember my monster-in-law when my first child was born. She was there bossing about this and that. I remember thinking to myself, "Self...where is the owner's manuel for this kid??? Now, he is 16 and again I am wondering about the manual, to life, soon to be single again at 41.
So, uh, hmmm.....Is there a good place to start? Ok, better get in a little better shape. I haven't been on a scale for a while. Last time I was I was 210, down from 217 earlier this year. I have started doing some track work 2-3 times a week. I walk a lap and jog a lap. I have also started cycling 3-4 evenings. I ride 45-60 minutes doing sprints and coasting.
I have made several changes to my diet. The biggest was to seriously lower my intake of junk. I have also been eating stuff like oatmeal, cereal, almonds, apples bananas.
Where the heck do you meet women these days?? Bars, Internet, work, church??
I don't really go to church anymore and work is not too much of an option. Give me your feedback and success stories. Thanks for your help always.
I love you!
Dave
Divorce
What is a nice guy to do??? I have spent 18 years, 20 if you include dating and engagement, with this lady. We have 4 wonderful kids. Over the past several years, we have drifted apart. While my wife was in a mental hospital due to a job related breakdown, I discovered communications she had been having with other men. She would tell them how she wished she was divorced. I found out about one actual 'meeting' she had to which she wrote him the next day, "Hey babe, that was a great night."
We don't have money saved, but we do have credit card debt! When I moved out, I left her this letter:
Neither of us have been happy for a very long time, and we both deserve the chance to regain that. My lawyer tells me that it is silly for us to contest this divorce. I agree. I won't fight you for the kids. They are always welcome with me. I have never told the boys what to do and respect whatever decisions they come to in life. I will pay the $1,100.00 child support every month, and keep the children on my insurance. I am in the process of removing myself from the cell bill and the auto ins. bill.
I have taken what I want from the house, which is very little. If you sell the house, I would like part of the money and expect we will equally divide the debt. If you want your lawyer to draw up papers reflecting such, I will have my lawyer review them. I don't have money like your dad, but I'd like to think he isn't in a big hurry to spend a bunch of it in court. If I need to I can beg, borrow or steal money to contest, but think we can work things out between the two of us.
I hope you get a job for next year and would be happy to tell anyone what an incredible teacher you are. I hope you find love again with Chuck or whoever. I really don't want to be enemies.
When I was served with papers, everything was agreeable. The only exception to that was her request for spousal maintenance, or alimony. She has had steady employment for the past 6 years, but had to take a leave of absence due to a medical condition. She was released to return to work in June '09.
I do not have money to pay a retainer. I have met with a couple different attorneys, but I continue to be in the same situation. I am facing the prospect of going to court over one issue Pro Se. At this point I am representing myself. Neither of us have credit cards as a side effect of our debt, so I cannot charge up a lawyer.
I now and will always accept my half of the blame for our problems and my current situation. If anyone out there in Internet land has any ideas for me, I'd love to hear them. I'll blog again soon.
I love you!
Dave
We don't have money saved, but we do have credit card debt! When I moved out, I left her this letter:
Neither of us have been happy for a very long time, and we both deserve the chance to regain that. My lawyer tells me that it is silly for us to contest this divorce. I agree. I won't fight you for the kids. They are always welcome with me. I have never told the boys what to do and respect whatever decisions they come to in life. I will pay the $1,100.00 child support every month, and keep the children on my insurance. I am in the process of removing myself from the cell bill and the auto ins. bill.
I have taken what I want from the house, which is very little. If you sell the house, I would like part of the money and expect we will equally divide the debt. If you want your lawyer to draw up papers reflecting such, I will have my lawyer review them. I don't have money like your dad, but I'd like to think he isn't in a big hurry to spend a bunch of it in court. If I need to I can beg, borrow or steal money to contest, but think we can work things out between the two of us.
I hope you get a job for next year and would be happy to tell anyone what an incredible teacher you are. I hope you find love again with Chuck or whoever. I really don't want to be enemies.
When I was served with papers, everything was agreeable. The only exception to that was her request for spousal maintenance, or alimony. She has had steady employment for the past 6 years, but had to take a leave of absence due to a medical condition. She was released to return to work in June '09.
I do not have money to pay a retainer. I have met with a couple different attorneys, but I continue to be in the same situation. I am facing the prospect of going to court over one issue Pro Se. At this point I am representing myself. Neither of us have credit cards as a side effect of our debt, so I cannot charge up a lawyer.
I now and will always accept my half of the blame for our problems and my current situation. If anyone out there in Internet land has any ideas for me, I'd love to hear them. I'll blog again soon.
I love you!
Dave
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