Birthday Wonderings

I turned 42 today, and continue the great transition from dysfuntional family dude to somewhat healthy single guy. Lots to dump today, so we'll see how long I can focus.

I found out that I'm not going to make shit on the house I'm trying to sell. Payoff is 177,170. and currently asking 199,990, but the realtor thinks we need to drop price 10K. I have to clean 4K just to pay some bills, so there's one screw job.

I'm in for a ct scan on my dome in the morning. I have been fighting a wicked sinus 'thing' for 2 months, 6 different antibiotics, 3 rounds of steroids, more over the counter meds than I care to remember. I'm heading towards a nasal clean-out and I really could care less at this point. So tired of feeling like crap, not being able to breath, dizzy-spells.

I am developing a somewhat disturbing inclination towards unavailable people. Since leaving my ex, I have gone through at least two bouts of being in the situation of an emoitionally extreme sharing, only to have them both go South. I have been emotionally repressed for about the last ten years. I am extremely tactile, and have slowly gone numb to feeling and expressing. These two situations have been bittersweet at best. It was life changing to be exposed to 'feeling' again. I do not regret either of these experiences because they have shown me what I've been missing, what I've lost, parts of me that had closed down or disappeared behind walls. Anyway, I know I have lurkers and I am not trying to get anyone introuble here. Both of these situations are over, and I have lost contact with the most recent. (...hoping I am being clear here to those in the wind) I have a tremendous amount of feelings and love to share and without these two examples, without being reminded what things could be like, should be like. I wouldn't have grown. We beg the eternal question, "Is it better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved?" For me it is much better. I just finished a 14 hour day at school. When I'm flying 10,000MPH on my educational spaceship, I can forget emotional pain and quite a bit of physical pain. Usually on the way home, I amable to sluff off the day, and it's then that I get hit in the gut, sorta lose my breath for a second. Realize something is missing, but I do know now that something is missing. There is something to persue, something I had once apon a time with my ex that I need to find again, that I have glimpsed again.

It seems I am having bad luck on the chocolates I am taking out of the box. Sooner or later I'll get the right one.

Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love you,
Dave