Talk to me Goose...

     For so long this had been my only release to the vast waves of emotion coursing through me.  There are reasons that no longer made that necessary.  I look back on the last real entry from Dec 27.  It is painful to think back on the twisted wreckage of a person I was through the last half of last year. 
     I just finished being trapped by Top Gun.  One of the movies I can't leave once it starts. 
     It has been clearly shown to me the root of my folly.  About 8-9 years ago, frustrated by a stale marraige, constant financial turmoil, continual rejection seeking the job I knew God had promised me, the strain and stress of raising 4 kids and a failed new house purchase...I turned away from God.  The slow, systematic destruction of my life led to the collapse of my marriage.  After moving out I continued to spiral downward, out of control.  One day after the Dec. 27 entry I had completely reached bottom.  I was broken in every sense of the word.  Dec 28th I had no hope, things were desolate.  The evening of Dec. 29 I got a Facebook message from Corin, a girl I knew in Jr. College.  She was actually the girl that led me to Christ, the daughter of an Assemblies of God minister.  I explained my situation.  She asked if I was still in church...
      She told me to get back to God, that she'd pray for me and the sale of the house and to contact a college professor we both hold dear, himself a minister.  I contacted Larry and explained my situation to him.  He told me to get back to God, and he'd pray for me and the house.  That very evening, December 29th...We had a contract on the house.  It gets better...they were not going to do an inspection, they wanted to move in 4 days later and close 15 days later.  God worked out every detail!
     I was able to land in a one bedroom for a few weeks until I could move into a two bedroom.  As I continued to draw closer to God, I made plans to return to church and start counseling for the divorce.  I went back to Second Baptist in Kingwood, where we used to attend church when my family used to attend church.  I found a great men's SS class and a contemporary worship service that I love.  I also started a 13 week Divorce care class that I finished a week ago.
     After a few weeks of this class, another miracle happened.  God softened my heart towards my wife.  I had gone 7 solid months with NO thought of ever considering a reconciliation.  I felt the Spirit telling me to call her and just apologize for the wrongs that I had done over so many years.  I did this.  We started to text, and got to the point where we actually decided to put the divorce on hold.  She ended up changing her mind about that and wanted to move forward.  The difference now is that I committ this situation, as well as my life, to God to work out.  If He wanted to bring us back together, I have an open heart and mind.  I know God is bigger than all my troubles. 
     I believe I have felt God telling me the divorce would take place.  I know God hates divorce, but I know He can work all things together for good for those called according to his purpose.  He gives me my daily bread and I walk joyous in His love.
     I am often reminded of my past mistakes.  There are several I hurt greatly.  I beg your forgiveness.    I pray you and your families continue to heal, grow and prosper.  I think of you teaching your SS class, hoping your well and happy.  I apologize for ever taking you down the wrong road, but am grateful for our contact.
     I pray none of you will lose your walk with Christ.  There are so many times I wish I never had, that I'd never lost my family.  Please don't let what happened to me happen to you.  All the years I walked away from God...it only took one step to come back.  I was the prodigal son.
     May this find you well, Christ be with you.


In His UNCONDITIONAL love,
dave

Still here

    Yes...I'm still around!  Actually, The past 10 days have been undescriable.  I am currently without internet at my apartment, so that explains the silence.  I'll provide all the details later, but it boils down to God worked a miracle...truth is He worked several.  I'll explain when I can...

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave

Dreading

     I am very much dreading the calls I have to make tomorrow.  I am fairly certain there is no way to stop the electronic payment supposed to go through Monday night that will put my bank account negative.  The next fight is with Citimortgage trying to get them to change the new payment conditions, which include a $400 raise of the payment and a 3 week eariler due date.  I mean, I would like to pay something, but there is no way I can pay 400 more than what I can barely pay now.  So...I will go through the process of having to explain my situation to 3 different people before I finally get to the right office where I will get to leave a message for the guy that never called me back last week.  Well, on his message it says to not leave repeated messages.  I think I will just try to go over his head tomorrow...got no time to keep dancing with him.  I am still trying to get Carpet Giant out to fix the freaking wood floor also.

     I've decided I feel embaressed for my kids to see me like this.  Cait and B bring friends over and it is awkward.  I feel bad that I can't take them to do stuff and that I have to fight what's going on the inside so they don't see me completely deflated.  With the series of events/circumstances of the past week, few days and coming weeks...I have felt like I haven't felt since before I left the house last May.  I was depressed last Spring.  The Spring semester was filled with ex's mental hospital stays, my discovering her activities and not confronting her, her issues at school and the legal issues there, knowing she had seen a divorce lawyer, my ultimate confrontation of her and her secrets and the plan to leave her. 

     I suppose some of that stuff is chronicled here, but I have reached such levels of frustration in so many areas.  One of the biggest is being such a mental/emotionally liability to my friends.  I think about writing stuff down to try to get part of it out of my head, but I catch myself thinking ....man...people are tired of reading about you being down.  I'm like, man...I'm tired of being down.  Having the kids for a whole week is really stressful because I worry about not being able to take care of them.  Anyway, all I can deal with right now is tomorrow...can't deal with looking any futher ahead.  Going to the Dentist tomorrow also, and how sad that that will prolly be one of the highlights of my day.

     Caitlin and her friend are sleeping here tonight, and her room is directly above my room.  Sounds like they are tossing bricks back and forth.  My little girl is so beautiful and grown up looking.  She went to the store with me Saturday when they got here.  She would always go here and there with me.  I feel like I've lost her.  A close friend told me to just keep talking to her, so I do that when ever I can.  She just came in and was snuggling with me.  I had gotten her some books and another present for Christmas, so I gave her that stuff.  Apologized to her for the way things are, and got as many hugs and kisses as I could.  Crying sitting here now writing about it.  I wonder if anyone else ever apologizes to them for the way things are...I only have control over me.

     I was told to listen to Jimmy Eat World The Middle...I appreciate your sentiment, and I wish we could share a dance or a hug, a blanket by a lake, a coffee in the snow.  I hope to one day be in a place where I can help you as you have helped me, make you see clearer in the fog, be the friend and soulmate you have been to me through this difficult journey.  You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart.

     I don't know where I'd be without my friends that stalk here.  You all are so incredible and I'll forever be in your debt for everything you did to help me through this crap.

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Christmas Eve

     I had the privledge of spending last night at a good friends really not doing much but jammin, playin a little Taboo and hangin out.  The highlight of the night had to be one look...in a momement of safety.  One look and two grins.  Also, I was subtlely handed a gift, not to keep but to take care of for a while.  I will guard it with my life and am interested to hear your meaning behind it, although I have my suspicions. 

     It is truely a Christmas eve like I've never experienced before.  I spent the day alone as I will tomorrow.  I had a few invites to crash other folks get togethers, but it seems fitting to be alone.  I didn't have to deal with the huge, crashing waves of depression that I had feared.  The worst part is certainly sitting and fretting about how I'm going to exist financially until Jan 25.  Anyway, I struggled all day with going to Christmas Eve service.  Where I didn't make it, I view it a step in the right direction that I entertained the idea so long.  I heard from Chris tonight.  He was bemoaning going through all the holiday events with the ex's family.  We talked awhile about several things and both felt better.  He is truely a great kid and the one I view as most like his old man.  He has picked up on something that hopefully is a glimpse of the future, and I think he is accepting of that.

     Tomorrow, hopefully, I can make myself do some yardwork.  Luckily I was able to entertain myself today with all day Star Wars movies.  Ok, I'm easily amused.  Mr. Dew spent some time throwing my sock in the air, running and hiding before tearing out to attack it again before flopping down like nothing had happened.  He's good company.  This Christmas I think about many things.  I think about the gifts I have been given...the friends that look after me.  You are the best gifts I could ever hope for.  I hope I can be the friend you need when you need it as you have been for me.  I think about how horrible things are now and imagine what will be one year from now...the house gone one way or another, finally being somewhere final or at least a giant step towards final, being able to get through a month with out white-knuckle fear of not being able to eat, buy gas to get to work and afford the 'luxuries' of water, power with out smoke and mirrors.  Possibly being able to share everything with someone wonderful...

     So, I hope that you all have and will have a wonderful holiday.  I love you all so much!  I am richly blessed by each of you and wish you all the things that you seek for your lives.  Peace...

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

On a Tuesday...

     So, I wake up 8:00ish and after a while it hits me it is Tuesday morning...the bank has your current statement from the weekend.  So, after seeing that I have no money.  Got paid on the 18th, paid the house note, and all other monthly bills.  I will still get a 371 check from my ex for her part of the health ins.  Essentially, I can't spend any money so there is money for the kids next week...I get them on Saturday.  Upon seeing the situation, I went back to bed until 1:00.  Tried to make myself do something productive, but couldn't.  Watched one of my fav movies 'You've got mail'...Was startled by a realtor who hadn't called the notification place to let me know they were coming.  I pick up and go for a walk in the rain.  Talked to my mom in Rolla, she was lonely.  I think about jumping in the van and making the drive to see her, but can't afford it.  Hopefully I'll be able to send her flowers.

     I was in the jazuzzi bath tonight with capt morgan, of course.  I was listening to Trace Adkins.  His song, I came here to live, I didn't come here to die...played.  I again thought of my circumstances...I've been evading death for the past 25 years.  Which is to say I was 18 when I first remembered having sucidial thoughts.  Here, now, in the situation I am in, I came here to live.  I've had friends show me the benefits of living.  I will not fail off by the wayside where my ex can gloat over me.  I came here to live!  I've experenced some of the relationships I want to have.  Enough to know that I'll never give up.   I've been running from the Lord for years and years.  I'm sure a huge reason my marriage failed, but I'm planning on graceing the door of the church this Christmas by myself.  A close friend of mind told me they were seeking the same thing.  Now is the time to ask His forgivness for my trangressions.  I know we can find a place to worship together as you told me you wanted to.  We both have been running from the Lord, I'm ready to stop running.

      About my friend, she has gone through quite a bit these last few days.  I have tried to back off the give her the space she needs.  I'm not really sure if I've lost any stature in her eyes, although I wonder.   I worry about things she told me and how I fit into the problem and the solution.  I love her...well, there it is.  I want the chance to treat her and her kids the way they should be treated.  I don't have all the answers, but I do know how I feel about this lady.  I can't imagine finding anything better than her anywhere, and I really hope I don't have to loof anywhere else.  I know she has baggage, and kids.  I also have baggage and kids.  I have never yet seen a reason that we couldn't make a life together.  We've discussed being able to make it somewhere together.  You have been very open with me about your feelings, as I have been open with you.  I want to give you all the things you have been denied.  I want to come home after work to your sweet embrace and kiss.  I know with both of us working we can make it.  I look at you and see my best friend, someone who knows my thoughts, my needs and how to care for me.  I see a woman that I want to dote on, lift up, treat as me equal, my partner.  Not in front of or behind me, together, side by side going through the world. 

     If your views have changed about us, through your introspection, I can deal with that.  If your plans no longer include me and what we can be together, I will walk away.  I now and always, want what is best for you and her family.  I will pose no problem for it woundn't be the first time I had to bow out the back door to avoid notice.  I love you and only want the best for you.  You'll tell me what's on your heart when you're ready.  Know. I only want to treat you and the kids as wonderfully as they should be treated...not having to worry about if the bills will get paid and who is being materalistic for wanting power.  I can do that for you.  You have shown me so many things, feelings, emotions and I am eager to show you SO much more.  Maybe it will be rough at the start, but we will turn it into something beautiful for you, me and the kids.
I long for the oppotunity to make you complete.

So there are my thoughts on  Tuesday, I hope they help someone...I hope they help a special someone.
Know pretty lady.....I LOVE YOU!

Unconditionally,
I Love you!
dave

o
  

On a positive note

     One great thing that happened today was a talk with my daughter.  I miss her so incredibly much, and its often the two of us end up in tears on the phone.  She is excited about her nephews visiting tomorrow.  We talked about going to a movie while she's here.  She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her all I wanted was to see her beautiful face and hold her.

     An unexpected breeze blew my way today as well.  It transported everything nice, everything I am lacking.  It was even more ironically timed as I've been without my recent source of communication and compassion.  As it turns out, the sun will rise again tomorrow, or will have a baby sun, or in some way experience sun rebirth.  It is truly a place of rebirth where I stand.  I needed to be reminded of this and feel my throat tighten and my eyes grow wet contemplating the idea and what it means for me.  I do know, have every confidence that all of this will pass.  I wonder what will be, where I'll be this time next year.  It has to be a happier place, a place that is warm and loving, where the day isn't defined by its uncertainty.  A place that may involve someone very special, a best friend.  All those things are beyond my grasp as I only have tomorrow to entertain.  I will do what has to be done and endure whatever I must, because I will greet the new day as a bright blessing.  I will overcome, I will find peace and rediscover, at some point....love.

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave

Pissed!

     If you know me or have spent any time here, you know I don't sit and rip on my ex wife.  Well, not officially 'ex' legally, but I'm hoping sooner rather than later.  Our next court 'date' (LOL) is February 1.  Anyway, the weekend really sucked, but Monday topped it.

     So, I never cheated on my ex, in 18 years.  She was the one who got caught talking to and 'having dinner' with someone else.  She's also the one with rich parents who paid for her legal team and bought her a house in San Antonio, three blocks away from them.  Oh, she is also the one who doesn't work...daddy is paying her bills.  I got jammed with making the payments on the house until it sells (insert expletive here) as alimony.  In June I got the house payment lowered from 1950 to 1150 through mortgage assistance.  So, I take home about 2700./mo.  House is 1150 and there's about 7-800 a month for power, gas, trash, cell, auto ins, additional ins on van, water.  So, I usually look at 7-800 a month for gas, food and other expenses.  When I make it, I barely make it.

     I found a package on the porch from the mortgage co yesterday.  Stuck it in my bag and took it with me to work today.  School is out for holidays, so I figured I'd have the place to myself.  I loaded the van with a load of trash to dump out off of 146.  I drive all the way out there only to find out the place is closed Sunday AND Monday...there's a huge waste of gas.  Went back to the school and had taken my laundry to work on.  I finished some reports, and take out the mortgage stuff.  I am really pleased to see that in the approval of our mortgage assistance request, the final program they put us, errrrrrrr ME on, was to make the payment 1550/mo.  I called them up and of course, the guy I need isn't there.  I called my lawyer, who I haven't paid yet...was supposed to pay him outta money I made on the house. (insert string of expletives here).  He knows I live as close as it gets.  He told me to see if my ex would work with me on the payment.  LOL...she is quick to point out to anyone that I am 'ordered by the court' to pay the mortgage payment or I'll be in contempt!!!  I told my lawyer what her responce would be.  He said the court can order anything they want, but if you can't do it, you can't do it.

     I have a little hope that in talking to the mortgage company, they will work something out with me.  Did I say 'little hope'? Actually, that's a lie.  I paid the dec payment, and am in week one of five weeks till we get paid again.  I may continue to pay the 1150 regardless of what the mortgage co says.  Then it will look like I was doing all I could to keep the house.  On the other hand, if the mortgage co comes and takes the house, I will have wasted that money.  Then I'll have to face contempt charges even though she gets her 1300/mo automatically.  If I'm in jail and not working, will I get more contempt charges for not paying child support?  Can't really imagine anyone putting me in jail where I couldn't work, but I'm learning anything and everything is possible. 

     So, its a fairly horrible start to what I had already figured would be a very tough week.  The kids come Saturday, so I am by myself this week.  I don't think its good for David to be by himself that much at one time.  There aren't too many people I'd want to hang with, and the few I want to hang with...well, its just too complicated.  Shock, right?

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave