Dreading

     I am very much dreading the calls I have to make tomorrow.  I am fairly certain there is no way to stop the electronic payment supposed to go through Monday night that will put my bank account negative.  The next fight is with Citimortgage trying to get them to change the new payment conditions, which include a $400 raise of the payment and a 3 week eariler due date.  I mean, I would like to pay something, but there is no way I can pay 400 more than what I can barely pay now.  So...I will go through the process of having to explain my situation to 3 different people before I finally get to the right office where I will get to leave a message for the guy that never called me back last week.  Well, on his message it says to not leave repeated messages.  I think I will just try to go over his head tomorrow...got no time to keep dancing with him.  I am still trying to get Carpet Giant out to fix the freaking wood floor also.

     I've decided I feel embaressed for my kids to see me like this.  Cait and B bring friends over and it is awkward.  I feel bad that I can't take them to do stuff and that I have to fight what's going on the inside so they don't see me completely deflated.  With the series of events/circumstances of the past week, few days and coming weeks...I have felt like I haven't felt since before I left the house last May.  I was depressed last Spring.  The Spring semester was filled with ex's mental hospital stays, my discovering her activities and not confronting her, her issues at school and the legal issues there, knowing she had seen a divorce lawyer, my ultimate confrontation of her and her secrets and the plan to leave her. 

     I suppose some of that stuff is chronicled here, but I have reached such levels of frustration in so many areas.  One of the biggest is being such a mental/emotionally liability to my friends.  I think about writing stuff down to try to get part of it out of my head, but I catch myself thinking ....man...people are tired of reading about you being down.  I'm like, man...I'm tired of being down.  Having the kids for a whole week is really stressful because I worry about not being able to take care of them.  Anyway, all I can deal with right now is tomorrow...can't deal with looking any futher ahead.  Going to the Dentist tomorrow also, and how sad that that will prolly be one of the highlights of my day.

     Caitlin and her friend are sleeping here tonight, and her room is directly above my room.  Sounds like they are tossing bricks back and forth.  My little girl is so beautiful and grown up looking.  She went to the store with me Saturday when they got here.  She would always go here and there with me.  I feel like I've lost her.  A close friend told me to just keep talking to her, so I do that when ever I can.  She just came in and was snuggling with me.  I had gotten her some books and another present for Christmas, so I gave her that stuff.  Apologized to her for the way things are, and got as many hugs and kisses as I could.  Crying sitting here now writing about it.  I wonder if anyone else ever apologizes to them for the way things are...I only have control over me.

     I was told to listen to Jimmy Eat World The Middle...I appreciate your sentiment, and I wish we could share a dance or a hug, a blanket by a lake, a coffee in the snow.  I hope to one day be in a place where I can help you as you have helped me, make you see clearer in the fog, be the friend and soulmate you have been to me through this difficult journey.  You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart.

     I don't know where I'd be without my friends that stalk here.  You all are so incredible and I'll forever be in your debt for everything you did to help me through this crap.

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave