So, I wake up 8:00ish and after a while it hits me it is Tuesday morning...the bank has your current statement from the weekend. So, after seeing that I have no money. Got paid on the 18th, paid the house note, and all other monthly bills. I will still get a 371 check from my ex for her part of the health ins. Essentially, I can't spend any money so there is money for the kids next week...I get them on Saturday. Upon seeing the situation, I went back to bed until 1:00. Tried to make myself do something productive, but couldn't. Watched one of my fav movies 'You've got mail'...Was startled by a realtor who hadn't called the notification place to let me know they were coming. I pick up and go for a walk in the rain. Talked to my mom in Rolla, she was lonely. I think about jumping in the van and making the drive to see her, but can't afford it. Hopefully I'll be able to send her flowers.
I was in the jazuzzi bath tonight with capt morgan, of course. I was listening to Trace Adkins. His song, I came here to live, I didn't come here to die...played. I again thought of my circumstances...I've been evading death for the past 25 years. Which is to say I was 18 when I first remembered having sucidial thoughts. Here, now, in the situation I am in, I came here to live. I've had friends show me the benefits of living. I will not fail off by the wayside where my ex can gloat over me. I came here to live! I've experenced some of the relationships I want to have. Enough to know that I'll never give up. I've been running from the Lord for years and years. I'm sure a huge reason my marriage failed, but I'm planning on graceing the door of the church this Christmas by myself. A close friend of mind told me they were seeking the same thing. Now is the time to ask His forgivness for my trangressions. I know we can find a place to worship together as you told me you wanted to. We both have been running from the Lord, I'm ready to stop running.
About my friend, she has gone through quite a bit these last few days. I have tried to back off the give her the space she needs. I'm not really sure if I've lost any stature in her eyes, although I wonder. I worry about things she told me and how I fit into the problem and the solution. I love her...well, there it is. I want the chance to treat her and her kids the way they should be treated. I don't have all the answers, but I do know how I feel about this lady. I can't imagine finding anything better than her anywhere, and I really hope I don't have to loof anywhere else. I know she has baggage, and kids. I also have baggage and kids. I have never yet seen a reason that we couldn't make a life together. We've discussed being able to make it somewhere together. You have been very open with me about your feelings, as I have been open with you. I want to give you all the things you have been denied. I want to come home after work to your sweet embrace and kiss. I know with both of us working we can make it. I look at you and see my best friend, someone who knows my thoughts, my needs and how to care for me. I see a woman that I want to dote on, lift up, treat as me equal, my partner. Not in front of or behind me, together, side by side going through the world.
If your views have changed about us, through your introspection, I can deal with that. If your plans no longer include me and what we can be together, I will walk away. I now and always, want what is best for you and her family. I will pose no problem for it woundn't be the first time I had to bow out the back door to avoid notice. I love you and only want the best for you. You'll tell me what's on your heart when you're ready. Know. I only want to treat you and the kids as wonderfully as they should be treated...not having to worry about if the bills will get paid and who is being materalistic for wanting power. I can do that for you. You have shown me so many things, feelings, emotions and I am eager to show you SO much more. Maybe it will be rough at the start, but we will turn it into something beautiful for you, me and the kids.
I long for the oppotunity to make you complete.
So there are my thoughts on Tuesday, I hope they help someone...I hope they help a special someone.
Know pretty lady.....I LOVE YOU!
Unconditionally,
I Love you!
dave
o
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