You know folks, the solitude of the weekend is extremely difficult. There are so many times I think to rech out to someone, only to decide against. There seem to be so many complications connected with the ways I feel led. I think to follow my heart, but often accept that if there was something to pursue...I would not be the only one pursueing it. That is what I just left, wasted so much of my life wanting something the other person didn't. Yet, accepting that mentally and convincing your heart are completely different.
Is it better to go on and deal with your solutude or trying to play the games of trying to meet someone new? I have a number of a friend of a friend that I am supposed to call. I think, um...barely have a dollar to my name, may not until I can get out from under this barn. With so much baggage, how do you ever make a decent first impression? I don't know. The other option is making a connection with someone you already know, right? There is a silppery slope. Am I going to cross some unknown line and get my ass in a sling? Do I draw a line refusing to progress with anyone I work with? Can never see myself being able to draw that line in the sand, haven't been able to yet. Actually seems I have an affinity for the opposite.
So, I spend my mental energy on the fence, unsure which way to go, which way to fall, contemplating how much I am willing to risk, what am I willing to deal with?, am I willing to relocate to the outskirts and with whom?, how do you handle one tender heart versus another, what needs get met, whose, for what price? Times answer is only questions. The pull of my heart from one unobtainable prize to another, or left to itself and the demons....they're so reliable.
unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
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