Blahday

So, I'm not sure if the day will morph into a complete pity-party, but I am allowing my self at least a part. As I was taking to someone last night, the point was made that the people that tell you something will work out are inevitable those not facing your situation. It is always a matter of being patient, which is something no one is good at or wants to be good at.
I've lost my voice, so whenever you factor in physical illness, everything is more difficult. Who the F loses their voice...that's very weak, very disappointed with myself.

I am trying to sell the house I had with my family. This is horribly frustrating. The place hasn't even shown once during the past fortnight. Trying to keep it out of foreclosure and keep myself afloat, much like illness, has an impact on how everything else is viewed. Sitting here on November 1st, trying to find a way to make it 3 weeks, ug. Also facing having to turn over all my financial records for the past 6 months to my X's lawyer because they don't believe I don't have hundred's of dollars to pay towards doctor's bills. The $1300. I pay in child support is taken from my pay automatically, but I am responsibile for half of doctor's bills.

I am NOT looking for a wife, per say. I do want to find someone one day that I can share a life with in a more healthy set of conditions that I have recently left. It seems that I am someone's punchline because the connections I make are with women that exsist just out of reach. Talking about walking through a minefield, I do not set out with the goal of 'making a connection' with this one or that one and I am not talking about sex...directly. For sure, have spelled it out here before, I am more than anything else, tactile...hand holding, playing with hair, drawing hearts on your arm or on your leg in the car as we drive, rubbing your shoulders, tracing your face as we gaze into each other's eyes, snuggleing...so many more non-sexual touches. That is something that frustrates more than anything else.

I do not write these things to make anyone feel bad. Some of you I do reference here and you may or may not see it. Please remember, this is my diary and the only real place I have to unload stuff outta my head before it explodes. To the best of my knowledge, I have and will continue to be honest with you. Honesty is priceless at this stage of my life. I'd rather experience pain than take you to a bad place. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I would rather take a chance somewhere than hide behind not wanting to get hurt. Wrong time, wrong place seems to be the theme. We have to be practicle and realistic. My friends are so dear to me. Please take this stuff for what it is, these are not subtle requests for money, sex or anything else. Life goes on, we all have to deal with the cards we're dealt.

I love and adore all of you.....

dave