Dreading

     I am very much dreading the calls I have to make tomorrow.  I am fairly certain there is no way to stop the electronic payment supposed to go through Monday night that will put my bank account negative.  The next fight is with Citimortgage trying to get them to change the new payment conditions, which include a $400 raise of the payment and a 3 week eariler due date.  I mean, I would like to pay something, but there is no way I can pay 400 more than what I can barely pay now.  So...I will go through the process of having to explain my situation to 3 different people before I finally get to the right office where I will get to leave a message for the guy that never called me back last week.  Well, on his message it says to not leave repeated messages.  I think I will just try to go over his head tomorrow...got no time to keep dancing with him.  I am still trying to get Carpet Giant out to fix the freaking wood floor also.

     I've decided I feel embaressed for my kids to see me like this.  Cait and B bring friends over and it is awkward.  I feel bad that I can't take them to do stuff and that I have to fight what's going on the inside so they don't see me completely deflated.  With the series of events/circumstances of the past week, few days and coming weeks...I have felt like I haven't felt since before I left the house last May.  I was depressed last Spring.  The Spring semester was filled with ex's mental hospital stays, my discovering her activities and not confronting her, her issues at school and the legal issues there, knowing she had seen a divorce lawyer, my ultimate confrontation of her and her secrets and the plan to leave her. 

     I suppose some of that stuff is chronicled here, but I have reached such levels of frustration in so many areas.  One of the biggest is being such a mental/emotionally liability to my friends.  I think about writing stuff down to try to get part of it out of my head, but I catch myself thinking ....man...people are tired of reading about you being down.  I'm like, man...I'm tired of being down.  Having the kids for a whole week is really stressful because I worry about not being able to take care of them.  Anyway, all I can deal with right now is tomorrow...can't deal with looking any futher ahead.  Going to the Dentist tomorrow also, and how sad that that will prolly be one of the highlights of my day.

     Caitlin and her friend are sleeping here tonight, and her room is directly above my room.  Sounds like they are tossing bricks back and forth.  My little girl is so beautiful and grown up looking.  She went to the store with me Saturday when they got here.  She would always go here and there with me.  I feel like I've lost her.  A close friend told me to just keep talking to her, so I do that when ever I can.  She just came in and was snuggling with me.  I had gotten her some books and another present for Christmas, so I gave her that stuff.  Apologized to her for the way things are, and got as many hugs and kisses as I could.  Crying sitting here now writing about it.  I wonder if anyone else ever apologizes to them for the way things are...I only have control over me.

     I was told to listen to Jimmy Eat World The Middle...I appreciate your sentiment, and I wish we could share a dance or a hug, a blanket by a lake, a coffee in the snow.  I hope to one day be in a place where I can help you as you have helped me, make you see clearer in the fog, be the friend and soulmate you have been to me through this difficult journey.  You are my best friend and I love you with all my heart.

     I don't know where I'd be without my friends that stalk here.  You all are so incredible and I'll forever be in your debt for everything you did to help me through this crap.

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Christmas Eve

     I had the privledge of spending last night at a good friends really not doing much but jammin, playin a little Taboo and hangin out.  The highlight of the night had to be one look...in a momement of safety.  One look and two grins.  Also, I was subtlely handed a gift, not to keep but to take care of for a while.  I will guard it with my life and am interested to hear your meaning behind it, although I have my suspicions. 

     It is truely a Christmas eve like I've never experienced before.  I spent the day alone as I will tomorrow.  I had a few invites to crash other folks get togethers, but it seems fitting to be alone.  I didn't have to deal with the huge, crashing waves of depression that I had feared.  The worst part is certainly sitting and fretting about how I'm going to exist financially until Jan 25.  Anyway, I struggled all day with going to Christmas Eve service.  Where I didn't make it, I view it a step in the right direction that I entertained the idea so long.  I heard from Chris tonight.  He was bemoaning going through all the holiday events with the ex's family.  We talked awhile about several things and both felt better.  He is truely a great kid and the one I view as most like his old man.  He has picked up on something that hopefully is a glimpse of the future, and I think he is accepting of that.

     Tomorrow, hopefully, I can make myself do some yardwork.  Luckily I was able to entertain myself today with all day Star Wars movies.  Ok, I'm easily amused.  Mr. Dew spent some time throwing my sock in the air, running and hiding before tearing out to attack it again before flopping down like nothing had happened.  He's good company.  This Christmas I think about many things.  I think about the gifts I have been given...the friends that look after me.  You are the best gifts I could ever hope for.  I hope I can be the friend you need when you need it as you have been for me.  I think about how horrible things are now and imagine what will be one year from now...the house gone one way or another, finally being somewhere final or at least a giant step towards final, being able to get through a month with out white-knuckle fear of not being able to eat, buy gas to get to work and afford the 'luxuries' of water, power with out smoke and mirrors.  Possibly being able to share everything with someone wonderful...

     So, I hope that you all have and will have a wonderful holiday.  I love you all so much!  I am richly blessed by each of you and wish you all the things that you seek for your lives.  Peace...

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

On a Tuesday...

     So, I wake up 8:00ish and after a while it hits me it is Tuesday morning...the bank has your current statement from the weekend.  So, after seeing that I have no money.  Got paid on the 18th, paid the house note, and all other monthly bills.  I will still get a 371 check from my ex for her part of the health ins.  Essentially, I can't spend any money so there is money for the kids next week...I get them on Saturday.  Upon seeing the situation, I went back to bed until 1:00.  Tried to make myself do something productive, but couldn't.  Watched one of my fav movies 'You've got mail'...Was startled by a realtor who hadn't called the notification place to let me know they were coming.  I pick up and go for a walk in the rain.  Talked to my mom in Rolla, she was lonely.  I think about jumping in the van and making the drive to see her, but can't afford it.  Hopefully I'll be able to send her flowers.

     I was in the jazuzzi bath tonight with capt morgan, of course.  I was listening to Trace Adkins.  His song, I came here to live, I didn't come here to die...played.  I again thought of my circumstances...I've been evading death for the past 25 years.  Which is to say I was 18 when I first remembered having sucidial thoughts.  Here, now, in the situation I am in, I came here to live.  I've had friends show me the benefits of living.  I will not fail off by the wayside where my ex can gloat over me.  I came here to live!  I've experenced some of the relationships I want to have.  Enough to know that I'll never give up.   I've been running from the Lord for years and years.  I'm sure a huge reason my marriage failed, but I'm planning on graceing the door of the church this Christmas by myself.  A close friend of mind told me they were seeking the same thing.  Now is the time to ask His forgivness for my trangressions.  I know we can find a place to worship together as you told me you wanted to.  We both have been running from the Lord, I'm ready to stop running.

      About my friend, she has gone through quite a bit these last few days.  I have tried to back off the give her the space she needs.  I'm not really sure if I've lost any stature in her eyes, although I wonder.   I worry about things she told me and how I fit into the problem and the solution.  I love her...well, there it is.  I want the chance to treat her and her kids the way they should be treated.  I don't have all the answers, but I do know how I feel about this lady.  I can't imagine finding anything better than her anywhere, and I really hope I don't have to loof anywhere else.  I know she has baggage, and kids.  I also have baggage and kids.  I have never yet seen a reason that we couldn't make a life together.  We've discussed being able to make it somewhere together.  You have been very open with me about your feelings, as I have been open with you.  I want to give you all the things you have been denied.  I want to come home after work to your sweet embrace and kiss.  I know with both of us working we can make it.  I look at you and see my best friend, someone who knows my thoughts, my needs and how to care for me.  I see a woman that I want to dote on, lift up, treat as me equal, my partner.  Not in front of or behind me, together, side by side going through the world. 

     If your views have changed about us, through your introspection, I can deal with that.  If your plans no longer include me and what we can be together, I will walk away.  I now and always, want what is best for you and her family.  I will pose no problem for it woundn't be the first time I had to bow out the back door to avoid notice.  I love you and only want the best for you.  You'll tell me what's on your heart when you're ready.  Know. I only want to treat you and the kids as wonderfully as they should be treated...not having to worry about if the bills will get paid and who is being materalistic for wanting power.  I can do that for you.  You have shown me so many things, feelings, emotions and I am eager to show you SO much more.  Maybe it will be rough at the start, but we will turn it into something beautiful for you, me and the kids.
I long for the oppotunity to make you complete.

So there are my thoughts on  Tuesday, I hope they help someone...I hope they help a special someone.
Know pretty lady.....I LOVE YOU!

Unconditionally,
I Love you!
dave

o
  

On a positive note

     One great thing that happened today was a talk with my daughter.  I miss her so incredibly much, and its often the two of us end up in tears on the phone.  She is excited about her nephews visiting tomorrow.  We talked about going to a movie while she's here.  She asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told her all I wanted was to see her beautiful face and hold her.

     An unexpected breeze blew my way today as well.  It transported everything nice, everything I am lacking.  It was even more ironically timed as I've been without my recent source of communication and compassion.  As it turns out, the sun will rise again tomorrow, or will have a baby sun, or in some way experience sun rebirth.  It is truly a place of rebirth where I stand.  I needed to be reminded of this and feel my throat tighten and my eyes grow wet contemplating the idea and what it means for me.  I do know, have every confidence that all of this will pass.  I wonder what will be, where I'll be this time next year.  It has to be a happier place, a place that is warm and loving, where the day isn't defined by its uncertainty.  A place that may involve someone very special, a best friend.  All those things are beyond my grasp as I only have tomorrow to entertain.  I will do what has to be done and endure whatever I must, because I will greet the new day as a bright blessing.  I will overcome, I will find peace and rediscover, at some point....love.

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave

Pissed!

     If you know me or have spent any time here, you know I don't sit and rip on my ex wife.  Well, not officially 'ex' legally, but I'm hoping sooner rather than later.  Our next court 'date' (LOL) is February 1.  Anyway, the weekend really sucked, but Monday topped it.

     So, I never cheated on my ex, in 18 years.  She was the one who got caught talking to and 'having dinner' with someone else.  She's also the one with rich parents who paid for her legal team and bought her a house in San Antonio, three blocks away from them.  Oh, she is also the one who doesn't work...daddy is paying her bills.  I got jammed with making the payments on the house until it sells (insert expletive here) as alimony.  In June I got the house payment lowered from 1950 to 1150 through mortgage assistance.  So, I take home about 2700./mo.  House is 1150 and there's about 7-800 a month for power, gas, trash, cell, auto ins, additional ins on van, water.  So, I usually look at 7-800 a month for gas, food and other expenses.  When I make it, I barely make it.

     I found a package on the porch from the mortgage co yesterday.  Stuck it in my bag and took it with me to work today.  School is out for holidays, so I figured I'd have the place to myself.  I loaded the van with a load of trash to dump out off of 146.  I drive all the way out there only to find out the place is closed Sunday AND Monday...there's a huge waste of gas.  Went back to the school and had taken my laundry to work on.  I finished some reports, and take out the mortgage stuff.  I am really pleased to see that in the approval of our mortgage assistance request, the final program they put us, errrrrrrr ME on, was to make the payment 1550/mo.  I called them up and of course, the guy I need isn't there.  I called my lawyer, who I haven't paid yet...was supposed to pay him outta money I made on the house. (insert string of expletives here).  He knows I live as close as it gets.  He told me to see if my ex would work with me on the payment.  LOL...she is quick to point out to anyone that I am 'ordered by the court' to pay the mortgage payment or I'll be in contempt!!!  I told my lawyer what her responce would be.  He said the court can order anything they want, but if you can't do it, you can't do it.

     I have a little hope that in talking to the mortgage company, they will work something out with me.  Did I say 'little hope'? Actually, that's a lie.  I paid the dec payment, and am in week one of five weeks till we get paid again.  I may continue to pay the 1150 regardless of what the mortgage co says.  Then it will look like I was doing all I could to keep the house.  On the other hand, if the mortgage co comes and takes the house, I will have wasted that money.  Then I'll have to face contempt charges even though she gets her 1300/mo automatically.  If I'm in jail and not working, will I get more contempt charges for not paying child support?  Can't really imagine anyone putting me in jail where I couldn't work, but I'm learning anything and everything is possible. 

     So, its a fairly horrible start to what I had already figured would be a very tough week.  The kids come Saturday, so I am by myself this week.  I don't think its good for David to be by himself that much at one time.  There aren't too many people I'd want to hang with, and the few I want to hang with...well, its just too complicated.  Shock, right?

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave

    

Weekend stuff

     The weekend with the kids went well.  Got home late Friday with them.  Chris went out to do birthday stuff with his crew while Patrick, Caitlin and Braeden watched the first half of Transformers 2.  Saturday they all scattered.  I enjoyed watching Man U drop 3 points in their own crib...un FREAKIN believeable!  That sorta soured the day for me.  Don't really remember what I did the rest of the day.  All the kids were sleeping over places Sat night, except for Chris.  I was thinking about some plans that night, but didn't work out.  I remember now...watched movies all day.  Sunday we left at noon to take them back to San Antonio.  Patrick was extremely suprised by the tickets to WWE that night.  We had an awesome time.  I left SA at 10:30, hit a gas station for some stuff to stay awake and didn't stop the car again till I was home @ 2:15.  Work Monday pretty muched sucked cause I was a zombie, not that there's anything wrong with zombies.  You do run across some nice ones from time to time.  They all come back the day after Christmas.

     Speaking of Christmas.  It seems I really have no use for it this year.  I suppose that's horrible.  Like a friend was telling me today, pay bills or buy presents.  Guess I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about things.  There is no point in decorating.  I don't need any decorations, and I'm the only one here.  We get paid Friday, and then its 5 weeks until the next check.  I'll go out on a limb there and say that is really going to suck.  Pay the house payment or not???  Oh, the house...great news!  We are basically being forced to lower the price to a break-even level.  Almost 7 years here and I'm not going to walk away with shit, which is really awesome since I had promised my lawyer I'd pay him a lump-sum when the house sold.  That and another person I owe some cash to.  So, the hits just keep on coming....

     I battle everyday with the conflict of what I'm doing, where I'm going.  I question one way and then the other.  I am constantly looking over both shoulders...watching, wondering about the worst-case senerio.  When things seem so real, vivid, ripe and you are constantly reminded about these things.  Then I'll wonder, demons do their work, my heart stops, blood runs cold.  The days are tough, nights tougher and weekends certainly the toughest.  I have no choice but to wait, try to get through another day, another day closer to the goal, another caution lap closer the the green flag.  Then, there'll be no slow downs, just letting your hair blow out the window and putting the petal through the floor.  Someday soon...

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Weekend thoughts

     I'm really unable to pinpoint what is different about this school year over last.  I really can't think that the kids or school is the huge difference.  Kids are kids...they always will be.  They'll always have their needs and immaturities.  So, it must be me.  Doing this job for the second time, or second year, I should be better, smarted, more efficient, make less mistakes.  That being said, I do feel like I do the job better...sometimes, somedays.  Still, the works wears me out, completely.  The easiest thing is to say that my emotional energy is low due to the events of the the past 7 months.  It does seem that the speed of operation this year is much higher.  Like the switch gets thrown about 7:15 and things are 90 miles per hour with my hair on fire until 3:45.  I'm not complaining, except that I hate feeling like I'm behind or out of control.  Hoping for a quiet exam week and the break.

     Drove to get the kids last night.  They have all been bumping around with their friends today and tonight.  I may get Chris back later, but the other 3 are sleepin over.  We are leaving at noon Sunday to head back to San Antonio.  Normally I met my ex in Schulenberg, half-way between me and her.  Well, I am taking Patrick to a WWE event in San Antonio for his Christmas present.  He is totally going to be suprised.  I was talking to Chris today, he asked why we had to leave so early.  Chris and I share football, and he was looking forward to watching the game tomorrow.  I told him what was up, and he was like...wow.  I'm hoping to be headed back to Houston by 10:00.  Gonna be a tough day, but Patrick is so worth it.

     From the I want it now, but you have to wait file....   It is incredibly frustrating to not be able to share the things you want to share with the person you want to share them with.  We understand there are hurdles that have to be cleared before we can be together.  Missed her birthday party last night, so i was pretty bummed about that.  I am finding in her so many things I haven't encountered in years, or at least since I married.  There will be a time soon when things will be easier, and we both understand that.  We've waited 40 years, whats a little while longer?  Know that it hurts to not be in contact with you, to not be able to talk to you whenever I want, to not be able to reach out and touch your face.  I'll never know how or why you've been mistreated or the extent of your scars.  I do know I will do whatever possible to help them fade and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  You asked me once if I believed in soul mates.  I certainly didn't marry one, may have had the chance with someone long ago, but if there are soul mates....I hope it feels like this.

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Innate Migrations

     The snow was a freaking pain in the ass!  I love snow....rare here, so beautiful.  Of course, our school district, unlike dozens of other school districts, went the full day.  I had an entire class get up to go down the hall to a window, plus other various dumb things kids did waiting for me to deal with tomorrow.  Also, the freak weather caused enough concerns for travel that my kids visit had to be moved to next weekend.  Not a huge deal except now I will miss my friend's birthday party, that pisses me off.

    If this blog is dangerous for anyone out there, you need to make the decision about spending time here or not.  Being an open access to anyone in the world, I know there are people out there facing the same struggles I am.  I have a very few friends that monitor what I write.  I write messages to them, for them, about them.  This is part of my self-prescribed road to getting healthy again.  There are so many scars from the past 20 years, many are physical but the majority are below the surface.  I still face so many hurdles in my life to try to regain who I was.  Yet, the person I was will never surface again.  All of us are shaped by our experiences, we grow and become better, hopefully.  Each day I imagine I am taking steps towards undoing the damage that was done.

     I have been fortunate that since May, I have had several situations that have showed me things I had lost, things not felt for years, emotions long burried or hidden behind walls.  I am in a hurry to feel so many things, yet am also very cautious...can't relax.  There is an incredible lady that has not had an easy time in her life.  We compliment eachother is so many ways.  I could try to explain how she makes me feel, but I don't know if there are enough pages available here for me to write.  We have hurdles to overcome, but I am willing to take those hurdles together.  All we can promise today is to take the next step, together.  I am powerless to stop what has started.  All I ask for is the chance to treat her the way she deserves to be treated, and prolly how she has never been treated.  You have said somethings to me that I can't ever remember having been said to me.  You are clearly the highlight of my days and the desire of my nights.

     Really not sure if I'm ready for this week.  Well, no, I'm not.  I was at school for several hours today tryin to put the wraps on last week and get a plan for this week.  So far behind......

     Whoever you are, where ever you are...I hope you have a good week.  If it's your last week of work before your holidays...hang in there.  If you are sick, please get your health back.  If you're living day to day, take it day to day.  That is the difficult one for me.

Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave

Decemberishnesses

     For whatever reason, I've been avoiding writing.  I suppose I know why and then I still wonder.  Do I avoid because I don't want the readers to know things, or do I not want to have to speak in smoke and mirrors...attaching meanings so that only the people they are meant for are able to pick up on the nuiances or subtle feelings?  Regardless, overdo this is, so I had better get it down.

     My 4 children are legally mine every Thanksgiving.  I gave them all the choice to stay in San Antonio and have the 'big family' holiday they are used to, or they could come to Houston where various friends had invited us to do various things.  My Chris (17 on 12/7) and Patrick (16 in April) wanted to come with me, while Caitlin (13 in March) and Braeden (11 in August) stayed in SA.  The boys and I didn't miss the continuous fighting of the youger 2.  I guess it isn't that bad, I mean, they only fight when they're awake.  Everyone had a good time and it was very nice to have 'guy time' with my boys.  The whole crew will be here this weekend, 4th-6th, and they will come the day after Christmas for several days.

     Ok, so there was a friend who recently made the comment to me about it being their time to disappear.  As you stay in the shadows, know I am pulling for you and your success.  You are doing the right thing, and you hopefully will choose a different path than I was forced to.   For what it's worth, I have tried to be somewhat 'less accessable', but there are ways around that.  Keep fighting the good fight and you will surely succeed where I failed.  The words we have pastly spoken will always define the people we are.  Enjoy where you are, for one day you'll find..."You're gonna miss this...you're gonna want this back."  Of course, this is a reference to the crazy life-stage you find yourself in.  I imagine you'll appreciate the month to come with fresh eyes, or I hope that you do.  I am now and forever in your debt.

     I continue to limp along through my financial situation.  The house continues to sit with a realtor wanting to lower the price, which can't happen.  I continue to communicate with my mortgage company attempting to keep the place another month.  That being said, there was a bit of a Christmas miracle from some friends, they are the parents of my daughter's bestie.  As I talked to them that night, tears rolling down my face, words and 'thank you's become so cliche.  No one wants to be the charity case...the one having to ask for help or be put in the position of receiving without asking.  I wrote the wife a note on FB, and she responded and made a reference to God.  Didn't grow up in church, accepted Christ in college, churched w/ my x to the point that I was a Baptist Deacon in the mid/late 90's.  Have struggled with that relationship for about 10 years now....thats a different blog.  So, who am I to try to give advice to anyone about asking for/accepting help, right?  Right!  Yet, there I am with a dear friend needing help, me already doing the little that I could do to help.  I continue to learn there is the pride that you hide behind, that keeps you from asking for help.  There is also the pride that you have to have that enables you to reach out to the ones you can because you have to.  I know how bad that sucks.  We'd all rather be in the position of the giver/helper than the one in need, but I am continually reminded of the Apolo 13 scene with Tom Hanks..."You never know the events that'll transpire to get you home."

     This day I spent in an administrator cohort.  That is a really fancy way to say...you are now another week behind at school since you were not there all day.  I met one of my dear friends on the way home for a chicken craving with her adorable daughter...love them tons.  Came home and applied some social lubricants and computed as I texted with a different dear friend.  I went to bed at 8:00 and got back up at midnight.  It's 1:13am as I write.  I have actually gone the last three nights without any sleep-aids.  I'll get a few more hours sleep when I finish this.  I think I know why I'm sleeping better.......  I have Stevie Nicks playing in the background as I work on this.  She's one gypsy queen that makes me feel closer to another gypsy queen.  I wish I could do more to help.  As you told me, one step at a time.  Remember when you told me that?  Be patient, take situations one step at a time.  None of us have any other choice.   Whatever tomorrow holds for you or me...one thing at a time, one step at a time.  "Can you handle the seasons of your life"....."I want to see your reflection in the snow-covered hills."

Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave