I know what I WANT to do......
but,
I know what I SHOULD do......
soooooo,
What am I gonna do?
Strolling through an incredible minefield with the most beautiful lotus in every direction. I span the landscape to find myself in the most precarious situation, again, for the very first time. You know, everyone involved has everything to lose, but you sort of drunkingly stumble towards the danger.
I thought the break-up of my marriage was a moral diliema. Since last May I have orchestrated a string of situations...have only stepped on one landmine. At what point to you meet needs of yours/others as the danger, consequences, and heartache swell up around you?
*sigh* more lotus please.....
Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Welcome to the Big Top
The trip back and forth to San Antonio was fairly wretched. Easily the highlight was looking up to see my X walking into the gym toting both of my x 'monsters-in-law's'. Very nice... On a brighter note, my daughter comes in with her volleyball team, she has already seen my smokin' mini-van in the lot so she knows I'm there. She looked at me for 3-4 seconds before it clicked it was actually me behind the goatee I'm rockin' She screams 'DADDY!' and flys up to me. I had to repress the old middle-school coach in me having one of my athletes up in the stands when they weren't supposed to be.
Was good to see my crew. Will see them again on the 13th.
As for the circus I conduct. I have a friend starting something this morning that no one would look forward to. My thoughts, and so much more, are with them. In another ring, it seems my history repeats itself again. How far down the slipery-slope this time. How do you balance morality, the wonderful and rare feelings with someone and the possible bombs waiting to go off. Am I really such a weak person, really just a pile of goo behind the professionality I portray?
More to write, but no time. Long ass day ahead, but at least not behind the wheel. Que the clowns....
Unconditionally,
I love you all SO much!
dave
Was good to see my crew. Will see them again on the 13th.
As for the circus I conduct. I have a friend starting something this morning that no one would look forward to. My thoughts, and so much more, are with them. In another ring, it seems my history repeats itself again. How far down the slipery-slope this time. How do you balance morality, the wonderful and rare feelings with someone and the possible bombs waiting to go off. Am I really such a weak person, really just a pile of goo behind the professionality I portray?
More to write, but no time. Long ass day ahead, but at least not behind the wheel. Que the clowns....
Unconditionally,
I love you all SO much!
dave
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Busy...
I am off of work today. Later this morning I am driving to San Antonio to see my daughter play in last volleyball game. Its about 4 hours one way from where I live to where my X took my kids off to. I am planning on taking the 4 of them to dinner after she plays. When we finish, I will be headed back to Houston. I am involved in a 'New Administrator Cohort'. Somewhat ironic since I have 3 years as an administrative intern and am in my second full year as an assistant principal. The cohort only meets 5 times, was expensive, so I need to be there Friday.
When cohort is finished, I'll head back to my school through the Friday night football game. I get to sleep in Saturday morning...lifesaver! Our volleyball girls have a playoff warm-up match at 2:00 Saturday that I will be at.
Saturday is of course, Halloween. I have never really had much use for it. There are some plans for Saturday night. I am not sure if there will be tricks or treats...so called, Arthur King....
Sunday-couch, football, hopefully not too much cheese-nibbling.
Unconditionally.
I love u,
dave.
When cohort is finished, I'll head back to my school through the Friday night football game. I get to sleep in Saturday morning...lifesaver! Our volleyball girls have a playoff warm-up match at 2:00 Saturday that I will be at.
Saturday is of course, Halloween. I have never really had much use for it. There are some plans for Saturday night. I am not sure if there will be tricks or treats...so called, Arthur King....
Sunday-couch, football, hopefully not too much cheese-nibbling.
Unconditionally.
I love u,
dave.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Raining and Pouring
Rainy and dark all day...made me think.
Checking, hoping for and not.
Thinking with my mind's eye, lost in a fairy tale,
Once upon a time,
...for Eternity.
Unconditionally, now and forever.
I love you,
dave
Checking, hoping for and not.
Thinking with my mind's eye, lost in a fairy tale,
Once upon a time,
...for Eternity.
Unconditionally, now and forever.
I love you,
dave
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Grattitude for your attitude
In the experiences of our lives, no matter the type, they all shape who we are and affect where we go. Without the peaks and valleys, we don't grow and become the agent to impact the lives of others...either personally or professionally. Some things suck...some things suck for a very long time, but they are necessary. I don't want to change who I am, and I use my experiences to hopefully produce some good in the present.
To my friends who go out of your way to try to make sure I will survive...I will. You surely know I will have ups and downs, good days and bad. Hopefully you see more good than bad, but the bad days are important too. We all need to disappear from time to time. You are priceless, and you will find me there in your time of need. I am grateful for those who have helped me take steps towards healing, and I carry you with me always. Who know what tomorrow holds, but we'll get through it together.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
Dave
To my friends who go out of your way to try to make sure I will survive...I will. You surely know I will have ups and downs, good days and bad. Hopefully you see more good than bad, but the bad days are important too. We all need to disappear from time to time. You are priceless, and you will find me there in your time of need. I am grateful for those who have helped me take steps towards healing, and I carry you with me always. Who know what tomorrow holds, but we'll get through it together.
Unconditionally,
I love you,
Dave
Saturday, October 24, 2009
When you can't hide...hope's tragic illusion.
The days of rest, away from the everyday. Where anyone can be anything, anytime, anywhere. Without the distractions of one million different battles to fight, noses to wipe, shoulders to pat, hands to shake, characters to shape, futures to reveal and scars to heal...we are left without our own facades, with little choice but to entertain the valleys, darknesses and unspoken parts of our own selves.
The day is unencubmered by anything. Crispness in the air and a sunshine fit for rebirth and newness, surely goodness. I deal with the stresses of the monthly and trying to arrange the smoke and mirrors to make it another 30 days. During the 90 minute car ride, the music plays...manipulating various memories, feelings and emotions both positively and negatively. I spend so much time looking for the places to retreat to in the attempts of not reliving things over for the 3 thousandth time. I ask and ask, why does the unabailability of someone thrust me in a certain direction.
Perhaps even with my ex-wife. Her inability to share herself, certainly unavailable for so much of out marriage. As that relationship actively died, I embark on a series of further unavailable people. Deep, intense become words that are trite and cliche. Gouges made with dull butter knives.
I sliced my thumb opening a plastic package today. As I drove on, applying pressure...the thumb throbed. I would check and take the napkin off the cut only to see the bright red blood begin to seep from the cut for near an hour. Finally, it stopped. Then when I am about 3 minutes from the dump, I move my thumb worng and the crimson pours out again.
It's much like the emotions I juggle everyday. Sealed and healed for a time only to entertain the wrong idea, see the wrong person, entertain the wrong hope...the pain spills again.
For someone who has such solid advice for my students, I seem to never be able to practice what I preach. Perhaps it is the Devine punchline. I allow my heart to go places with people that have no chance in hell of being healty or smart, yet...I am powerless to fight. How long will the illusion of hope find audience with me? However, to really move on past the sea of unavailibility I am adept at rowing my boat into, there has to be a new focus of/for emotions. I am tired of hurting people, but I am even more starved for company, contact, something healthy and fulfilling.
It is actually really frustrating...people I really care for...several, but no chance in hell. Who does that, how do I do that?
I am a person with a full bag of presents, no one to give them too and the bag of presents only gets heavier.
unconditionally,
I love u,
Dave
The day is unencubmered by anything. Crispness in the air and a sunshine fit for rebirth and newness, surely goodness. I deal with the stresses of the monthly and trying to arrange the smoke and mirrors to make it another 30 days. During the 90 minute car ride, the music plays...manipulating various memories, feelings and emotions both positively and negatively. I spend so much time looking for the places to retreat to in the attempts of not reliving things over for the 3 thousandth time. I ask and ask, why does the unabailability of someone thrust me in a certain direction.
Perhaps even with my ex-wife. Her inability to share herself, certainly unavailable for so much of out marriage. As that relationship actively died, I embark on a series of further unavailable people. Deep, intense become words that are trite and cliche. Gouges made with dull butter knives.
I sliced my thumb opening a plastic package today. As I drove on, applying pressure...the thumb throbed. I would check and take the napkin off the cut only to see the bright red blood begin to seep from the cut for near an hour. Finally, it stopped. Then when I am about 3 minutes from the dump, I move my thumb worng and the crimson pours out again.
It's much like the emotions I juggle everyday. Sealed and healed for a time only to entertain the wrong idea, see the wrong person, entertain the wrong hope...the pain spills again.
For someone who has such solid advice for my students, I seem to never be able to practice what I preach. Perhaps it is the Devine punchline. I allow my heart to go places with people that have no chance in hell of being healty or smart, yet...I am powerless to fight. How long will the illusion of hope find audience with me? However, to really move on past the sea of unavailibility I am adept at rowing my boat into, there has to be a new focus of/for emotions. I am tired of hurting people, but I am even more starved for company, contact, something healthy and fulfilling.
It is actually really frustrating...people I really care for...several, but no chance in hell. Who does that, how do I do that?
I am a person with a full bag of presents, no one to give them too and the bag of presents only gets heavier.
unconditionally,
I love u,
Dave
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Pure of Heart
Unlucky is the child gone wrong,
The child long gone.
And once the child passes on, there is no return.
Yet, the pure of heart fear not.
For the legends have yet to be named,
And the heros have yet to step from the darkness.
But step they will.
They will soar to the heights reached only by the brave,
Only by the true.
But you speak of confidence.
Confidence is only the fruit of experience.
You are your own worst enemy.
To try is the factor.
Pass or fail is no matter.
Experience is success.
So I offer this to you, child.
Experience what you will.
Try what suits you.
Set no limits on your bounds,
And you will be the legend,
You will be the hero,
And you will be the pure of heart.
This happens to be something I wrote a long freakin time ago. It was written to a single person, but as I have re-encountered it...I see it has meaning in a great many areas.
It has meaning for me....
whatever your condition, unconditionally!
I love you,
dave
The child long gone.
And once the child passes on, there is no return.
Yet, the pure of heart fear not.
For the legends have yet to be named,
And the heros have yet to step from the darkness.
But step they will.
They will soar to the heights reached only by the brave,
Only by the true.
But you speak of confidence.
Confidence is only the fruit of experience.
You are your own worst enemy.
To try is the factor.
Pass or fail is no matter.
Experience is success.
So I offer this to you, child.
Experience what you will.
Try what suits you.
Set no limits on your bounds,
And you will be the legend,
You will be the hero,
And you will be the pure of heart.
This happens to be something I wrote a long freakin time ago. It was written to a single person, but as I have re-encountered it...I see it has meaning in a great many areas.
It has meaning for me....
whatever your condition, unconditionally!
I love you,
dave
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Tuesday
Long, lonely day. Was at my High school half-way through lunches. Then took off to go watch our band compete in UIL contest. They played their best show ever...I was crying real tears, but they got scored 2-1-2. They got jobbed a tad, but you can never be disappointed with your best. Then went to watch our olleyball girls shread some group of wannabees.
Was lonely a lot today. Going back and forth with my X over various issues. She brings me down, but everytime reinforces that I do not want to ever be with her again. So, that led the heart strings to start pulling in directions where I have little promise for the future, yet still share intense bonds. Visions of what I know exists and yet the sort of thing that you never find when you are intently looking. I hate that I am now in the habbit of looking for wedding rings on people's hands, well...mostly ladies hands. Having to jump through all the hoops of getting to know someone is something I look forward to, but hasn't seemed to play out all that well so far. The last thing I seek now is to jump into a serious relationship, but I am so tactile...I long for hand-holding, curling up together, fingers in my hair, snuggeling, sitting and talking under the stars over a bottle of wine, anything on the beach, but mostly just walking together, playing in the water all day, bowling, a movie, cookin in, dancing, whispering in each-other's ears, being moved to poetry, having someone actually care about what you do and go through everyday.
I can only hope there are people like that out there. Like I said, I have seen glimpses with people who were beyond my reach, and where I harbor eternal hope in these situations, reality suggusts that hope is misplaced, energy wasted. Good for now I guess. I hope you are well, as well you should be.
Whatever your condition/unconditionally!
love always...
Dave
Was lonely a lot today. Going back and forth with my X over various issues. She brings me down, but everytime reinforces that I do not want to ever be with her again. So, that led the heart strings to start pulling in directions where I have little promise for the future, yet still share intense bonds. Visions of what I know exists and yet the sort of thing that you never find when you are intently looking. I hate that I am now in the habbit of looking for wedding rings on people's hands, well...mostly ladies hands. Having to jump through all the hoops of getting to know someone is something I look forward to, but hasn't seemed to play out all that well so far. The last thing I seek now is to jump into a serious relationship, but I am so tactile...I long for hand-holding, curling up together, fingers in my hair, snuggeling, sitting and talking under the stars over a bottle of wine, anything on the beach, but mostly just walking together, playing in the water all day, bowling, a movie, cookin in, dancing, whispering in each-other's ears, being moved to poetry, having someone actually care about what you do and go through everyday.
I can only hope there are people like that out there. Like I said, I have seen glimpses with people who were beyond my reach, and where I harbor eternal hope in these situations, reality suggusts that hope is misplaced, energy wasted. Good for now I guess. I hope you are well, as well you should be.
Whatever your condition/unconditionally!
love always...
Dave
Monday, October 19, 2009
Doctor Update
I miss a morning at school to go back to my ENT. She looks and says the nasal pollops are smaller, although I have had no relief. First she sends the hoover up in there to slurp out what she could. I could feel her nick me several times as she was playing tug of war with this 'thing'. She says she wants to throw steroids at it again. I get a massive injection and oral (hmm!?!) pills to start tomorrow. More wait and see...
Decent day after that. Nothing outta the Ordinary at school, had 2 hours paperwork afterschool, band has a UIL contest tomorrow so they were practicing this evening. I went out a watched them for about an hour.
I continue to be haunted by the demons. They hide in the corners and are more than willing to focus my attention at things I've done, haven't done or wished I could do. I recently talked to someone and there was some profanity. This person responded back 'you wish!', and the more I think about it, I'm like hell yes I wish. I miss the sense of humor as much as I miss the physical. Well, I await $2.84 of truth, revelation, explaination, rationalitation and who knows what else.
no matter ur condition, unconditionally.
Love always,
Dave
Decent day after that. Nothing outta the Ordinary at school, had 2 hours paperwork afterschool, band has a UIL contest tomorrow so they were practicing this evening. I went out a watched them for about an hour.
I continue to be haunted by the demons. They hide in the corners and are more than willing to focus my attention at things I've done, haven't done or wished I could do. I recently talked to someone and there was some profanity. This person responded back 'you wish!', and the more I think about it, I'm like hell yes I wish. I miss the sense of humor as much as I miss the physical. Well, I await $2.84 of truth, revelation, explaination, rationalitation and who knows what else.
no matter ur condition, unconditionally.
Love always,
Dave
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Smell of Cheese
It is almost one month since I pushed the send button on an inquiry about a person from my past. That one button has caused untold pain for four people plus untold collateral damage. I have to come to grips with the fact that is was completely my own fault, and I do not know what pain lies ahead for them because of my actions.
All that being true, I must go the day to day carrying intense feelings, feelings that cannot be acted on. We all know that we live our lives, make our decisions and accept the consequences of our actions. I preach this to high schoolers everyday. Above all, I must live by example, and I must choose what to do with the guilt and regret for my part in damaging these lives.
I caught my Ex. is a similar situation allbeit she was seeking out strangers. So, these situations are different....and the same. At this point, what's a little more guilt and condemnation. I accept it willingly and make no excuses for my actions. "I'm sorry" changes nothing, but for whatever it's worth, I am. I hope that my feelings fade as I hope this groups' healing will grow.
May your future be what you make it...
Mr. Rat
All that being true, I must go the day to day carrying intense feelings, feelings that cannot be acted on. We all know that we live our lives, make our decisions and accept the consequences of our actions. I preach this to high schoolers everyday. Above all, I must live by example, and I must choose what to do with the guilt and regret for my part in damaging these lives.
I caught my Ex. is a similar situation allbeit she was seeking out strangers. So, these situations are different....and the same. At this point, what's a little more guilt and condemnation. I accept it willingly and make no excuses for my actions. "I'm sorry" changes nothing, but for whatever it's worth, I am. I hope that my feelings fade as I hope this groups' healing will grow.
May your future be what you make it...
Mr. Rat
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Various
SO, I went to have my CT scan done Wednesday morning. Walked in and they started talking about me paying $500 bones. I thought maybe they needed a ct scan. So, no chance of me being able to pay that anyday soon. I am back to the ENT Monday.
Another week, another ride on the emotional roller coaster. I am understanding this is more the norm, than not. The abruptness of certain things is understandable. No matter who you are, we should try to go after the things we think are important in life. In my situation of having left my wife, I am often what visited by the thought, "Would I be better off with her? Would I ever want to be back with her?" The answer time and again is no.
I have seen what life can be and that is what I will go after. You should too.
I'm grateful for cooler weather, really nice to have the windows open.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love u....
Dave
Another week, another ride on the emotional roller coaster. I am understanding this is more the norm, than not. The abruptness of certain things is understandable. No matter who you are, we should try to go after the things we think are important in life. In my situation of having left my wife, I am often what visited by the thought, "Would I be better off with her? Would I ever want to be back with her?" The answer time and again is no.
I have seen what life can be and that is what I will go after. You should too.
I'm grateful for cooler weather, really nice to have the windows open.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love u....
Dave
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Birthday Wonderings
I turned 42 today, and continue the great transition from dysfuntional family dude to somewhat healthy single guy. Lots to dump today, so we'll see how long I can focus.
I found out that I'm not going to make shit on the house I'm trying to sell. Payoff is 177,170. and currently asking 199,990, but the realtor thinks we need to drop price 10K. I have to clean 4K just to pay some bills, so there's one screw job.
I'm in for a ct scan on my dome in the morning. I have been fighting a wicked sinus 'thing' for 2 months, 6 different antibiotics, 3 rounds of steroids, more over the counter meds than I care to remember. I'm heading towards a nasal clean-out and I really could care less at this point. So tired of feeling like crap, not being able to breath, dizzy-spells.
I am developing a somewhat disturbing inclination towards unavailable people. Since leaving my ex, I have gone through at least two bouts of being in the situation of an emoitionally extreme sharing, only to have them both go South. I have been emotionally repressed for about the last ten years. I am extremely tactile, and have slowly gone numb to feeling and expressing. These two situations have been bittersweet at best. It was life changing to be exposed to 'feeling' again. I do not regret either of these experiences because they have shown me what I've been missing, what I've lost, parts of me that had closed down or disappeared behind walls. Anyway, I know I have lurkers and I am not trying to get anyone introuble here. Both of these situations are over, and I have lost contact with the most recent. (...hoping I am being clear here to those in the wind) I have a tremendous amount of feelings and love to share and without these two examples, without being reminded what things could be like, should be like. I wouldn't have grown. We beg the eternal question, "Is it better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved?" For me it is much better. I just finished a 14 hour day at school. When I'm flying 10,000MPH on my educational spaceship, I can forget emotional pain and quite a bit of physical pain. Usually on the way home, I amable to sluff off the day, and it's then that I get hit in the gut, sorta lose my breath for a second. Realize something is missing, but I do know now that something is missing. There is something to persue, something I had once apon a time with my ex that I need to find again, that I have glimpsed again.
It seems I am having bad luck on the chocolates I am taking out of the box. Sooner or later I'll get the right one.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love you,
Dave
I found out that I'm not going to make shit on the house I'm trying to sell. Payoff is 177,170. and currently asking 199,990, but the realtor thinks we need to drop price 10K. I have to clean 4K just to pay some bills, so there's one screw job.
I'm in for a ct scan on my dome in the morning. I have been fighting a wicked sinus 'thing' for 2 months, 6 different antibiotics, 3 rounds of steroids, more over the counter meds than I care to remember. I'm heading towards a nasal clean-out and I really could care less at this point. So tired of feeling like crap, not being able to breath, dizzy-spells.
I am developing a somewhat disturbing inclination towards unavailable people. Since leaving my ex, I have gone through at least two bouts of being in the situation of an emoitionally extreme sharing, only to have them both go South. I have been emotionally repressed for about the last ten years. I am extremely tactile, and have slowly gone numb to feeling and expressing. These two situations have been bittersweet at best. It was life changing to be exposed to 'feeling' again. I do not regret either of these experiences because they have shown me what I've been missing, what I've lost, parts of me that had closed down or disappeared behind walls. Anyway, I know I have lurkers and I am not trying to get anyone introuble here. Both of these situations are over, and I have lost contact with the most recent. (...hoping I am being clear here to those in the wind) I have a tremendous amount of feelings and love to share and without these two examples, without being reminded what things could be like, should be like. I wouldn't have grown. We beg the eternal question, "Is it better to have loved, and lost, than to have never loved?" For me it is much better. I just finished a 14 hour day at school. When I'm flying 10,000MPH on my educational spaceship, I can forget emotional pain and quite a bit of physical pain. Usually on the way home, I amable to sluff off the day, and it's then that I get hit in the gut, sorta lose my breath for a second. Realize something is missing, but I do know now that something is missing. There is something to persue, something I had once apon a time with my ex that I need to find again, that I have glimpsed again.
It seems I am having bad luck on the chocolates I am taking out of the box. Sooner or later I'll get the right one.
Whatever your condition, unconditionally....
I love you,
Dave
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Flannagan's advice to his born son's....
If Flannagan's child, a boy should be, wait...I have three boys. The are 17, 15 and 10. This is a word of advice to them, all males and actually anyone looking for wisdom.
I was at the gas station this morning. I saw a pretty lady, and thought yo myself..."Self..." A thought occured to me that has popped up often lately. I had a beautiful woman, married her and were together 20 years. She had some issues that prevented her from being able to fully share herself. It was completely frustrating and tragic. I felt like the beggar at the buffett with no way to eat, slowly starving to death in plain view of the food.
I am way past looking for a 'hottie' or maybe its not that as much as understanding the importance and priority of personality, self-concept, affection, attraction and more. We have to be careful placing too much emphasis to the physical, because there is just so much more to the equation. I look at every lady with a different pair of eyes now. Firstly because I am again single, and secondly because the last thing I want and need is some Barbi who is psycho....been there had that, trying to get past the scars.
Some need to realize that being a 'hottie' is not a physical-only label. To me, it is more attitude. I'm sure some of you ladies are 100% more hottie because of attitude than those who view it as what they look like. Some of you should avoid making the mistake of down-playing your looks. This hurts you and any love interest that may be in your life. Do any of us ever, actually, reach the place where we think we are perfect. Even if you take the Knife for 'upgrades', you will never achieve the look you have in your mind's eye of what beauty is. Lord knows I tried and tried to convince my ex of that...she never bought in......again, tragic.
So, to my boys or any boys....(Warning: Cliche aproaching....)beauty is only skin deep. So true, so true, so true. Wether it is you or someone else, cut yourself some slack! This is much different than being a slacker.
Again I maintain this for some future lady....I will love you anytime, place, state of mind, weight, scars, baggage, kids, family, financial status and condition....unconditionally!
Cocktails and Dreams....
Dave
I was at the gas station this morning. I saw a pretty lady, and thought yo myself..."Self..." A thought occured to me that has popped up often lately. I had a beautiful woman, married her and were together 20 years. She had some issues that prevented her from being able to fully share herself. It was completely frustrating and tragic. I felt like the beggar at the buffett with no way to eat, slowly starving to death in plain view of the food.
I am way past looking for a 'hottie' or maybe its not that as much as understanding the importance and priority of personality, self-concept, affection, attraction and more. We have to be careful placing too much emphasis to the physical, because there is just so much more to the equation. I look at every lady with a different pair of eyes now. Firstly because I am again single, and secondly because the last thing I want and need is some Barbi who is psycho....been there had that, trying to get past the scars.
Some need to realize that being a 'hottie' is not a physical-only label. To me, it is more attitude. I'm sure some of you ladies are 100% more hottie because of attitude than those who view it as what they look like. Some of you should avoid making the mistake of down-playing your looks. This hurts you and any love interest that may be in your life. Do any of us ever, actually, reach the place where we think we are perfect. Even if you take the Knife for 'upgrades', you will never achieve the look you have in your mind's eye of what beauty is. Lord knows I tried and tried to convince my ex of that...she never bought in......again, tragic.
So, to my boys or any boys....(Warning: Cliche aproaching....)beauty is only skin deep. So true, so true, so true. Wether it is you or someone else, cut yourself some slack! This is much different than being a slacker.
Again I maintain this for some future lady....I will love you anytime, place, state of mind, weight, scars, baggage, kids, family, financial status and condition....unconditionally!
Cocktails and Dreams....
Dave
Friday, October 9, 2009
Is it what it is??
A most difficult week, actually a manic range of emotions. We had a situation at work with a student. We have worked so hard to work for the victories, and even harder to overcome the setbacks. We lost this kid this week.
I love my kids so much, pour out my heart and everything I am into these kids. When you make yourself vunerable to another, you risk tremendous loss. It is easy for anybody to hide behind walls, excuses, titles, relationships or whatever the hell is convient. I believe you can only reach an honesty with people, students, parents, kids if you are willing to meet them where they are.
It has been an emotionally exhausting week with this student and things took a traumatic turn towards a negative outcome. It has been extremely heart-wretching. Its like you can still see this student in your minds-eye, but can't reach out to do anything to help them....or yourself.
I do have the problem of caring too much. I would actually err on the side of caring too much rather than not caring enough. Personal life, school life. This was one of the worst parts of my marriage eroding. For years I have been without someone to share the day to day....still am. I have caught glimpses of what it's like, what it's supposed to be like.
Well, I tell myself the hurt goes away...it doesn't. You never forget the ones you lose. You see glimpses of them all over the school. Moments, thoughts, so many experiences that are now only reminders of ghosts. You try to focus on the other kids, but it takes time for the edge to ease. So, it is what it is....or is it?
unconditionally yours,
Dave
I love my kids so much, pour out my heart and everything I am into these kids. When you make yourself vunerable to another, you risk tremendous loss. It is easy for anybody to hide behind walls, excuses, titles, relationships or whatever the hell is convient. I believe you can only reach an honesty with people, students, parents, kids if you are willing to meet them where they are.
It has been an emotionally exhausting week with this student and things took a traumatic turn towards a negative outcome. It has been extremely heart-wretching. Its like you can still see this student in your minds-eye, but can't reach out to do anything to help them....or yourself.
I do have the problem of caring too much. I would actually err on the side of caring too much rather than not caring enough. Personal life, school life. This was one of the worst parts of my marriage eroding. For years I have been without someone to share the day to day....still am. I have caught glimpses of what it's like, what it's supposed to be like.
Well, I tell myself the hurt goes away...it doesn't. You never forget the ones you lose. You see glimpses of them all over the school. Moments, thoughts, so many experiences that are now only reminders of ghosts. You try to focus on the other kids, but it takes time for the edge to ease. So, it is what it is....or is it?
unconditionally yours,
Dave
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Randomness
I have made some promises to some people, so I feel obligated to use this resource. In my current life stage, I spend a lot of time alone. Which is to say, when I am not being the moral compass to my high school of about 600 kids. I know, me...moral comapss. I sort of vasicilate between moral compass and rat, thusly...there are times when the smell of cheese is all I know.
Since I left my ex on 5/25/09, I have not wanted to be back with her once. The one thing that I really miss is the ability to share the day to day and have someone revel in it with you and actually care. I did not lose this last May, but prolly closer to 10 years ago. As I approach 42 I realize, I sacrificed my 30's in a dying relationship, staying together for the kids, can't afford to divorce type of situation. It bothers me on several levels...
I'll never get that decade back...it is gone.
By the way...I always will completely accept my half of the divorce blame, so I accept the heat for my side of the blame.
When I find someone who I can share with, and pour my repressed emotional stores on, I will have considerably less time with that person.
I really am not looking for the impossible. My ex stopped asking about how the teams I coached did, in 20 years I could count the times she sat and watch a sport with me on one hand although I 'chick-flicked' or 'lifetime-movied' with her plenty. I would have laid an egg if she ever troubled herself or even paid attention to something as slight as MAN U.
Anyway, I have found a few times when I could share and experience someone actually give a batshit about what happens, and I do long for that.
In '95 I eraned my Master's degree in Secondary Education with a Mid-Management certificate. I actually started interviewing for an Assistant Principal's poistion in '94. I was ready to move my family practically anywhere. I interviewed everywhere from the Houston area, Dallas, East Texas to the outskirts of Austin.
I even got down to the final 2 in two different districts summer '95. To make this point, I have mad interviewing skillz. It got to be the running joke, that I always interviwed great, heard how much they liked me and that I was amazing. Yet, always the bride's maid..... It was always very frustrating to hear you were amazing, but it wasn't you they wanted. This emotionally rollar coaster was an extreme strain on my marriage and no doubt a factor in it dying.
My heart is ripe with such a myriad of emotions at this point in life. To the lady I will find one day...let me make you a promise......
I will take you anytime, place, situation, health, weight, kids or condition.....UNCONDITIONALLY!
Love always,
Dave
Since I left my ex on 5/25/09, I have not wanted to be back with her once. The one thing that I really miss is the ability to share the day to day and have someone revel in it with you and actually care. I did not lose this last May, but prolly closer to 10 years ago. As I approach 42 I realize, I sacrificed my 30's in a dying relationship, staying together for the kids, can't afford to divorce type of situation. It bothers me on several levels...
I'll never get that decade back...it is gone.
By the way...I always will completely accept my half of the divorce blame, so I accept the heat for my side of the blame.
When I find someone who I can share with, and pour my repressed emotional stores on, I will have considerably less time with that person.
I really am not looking for the impossible. My ex stopped asking about how the teams I coached did, in 20 years I could count the times she sat and watch a sport with me on one hand although I 'chick-flicked' or 'lifetime-movied' with her plenty. I would have laid an egg if she ever troubled herself or even paid attention to something as slight as MAN U.
Anyway, I have found a few times when I could share and experience someone actually give a batshit about what happens, and I do long for that.
In '95 I eraned my Master's degree in Secondary Education with a Mid-Management certificate. I actually started interviewing for an Assistant Principal's poistion in '94. I was ready to move my family practically anywhere. I interviewed everywhere from the Houston area, Dallas, East Texas to the outskirts of Austin.
I even got down to the final 2 in two different districts summer '95. To make this point, I have mad interviewing skillz. It got to be the running joke, that I always interviwed great, heard how much they liked me and that I was amazing. Yet, always the bride's maid..... It was always very frustrating to hear you were amazing, but it wasn't you they wanted. This emotionally rollar coaster was an extreme strain on my marriage and no doubt a factor in it dying.
My heart is ripe with such a myriad of emotions at this point in life. To the lady I will find one day...let me make you a promise......
I will take you anytime, place, situation, health, weight, kids or condition.....UNCONDITIONALLY!
Love always,
Dave
Apollo13
For sure one of my very fav movies. "You just never know what events will transpire to get you home." We never know what the day will present us do deal with in our lives, personal or private.
I recently had a contact with someone from my past, yet she is unobtainable. She has cut off any and all communication with me, so I am pretty sure I know what happened. I hope that she, and the people around her, are willing to do the necessary things to grow together. Please put shame and pride aside, try to look past pain to the place healing can begin. Go there hand in hand, side by side, one step at a time. Travel the road to recovery with minds and hearts open, because if you can't change the person you are....you will only travel a circle to find yourself back here in the future.
"This can be the biggest loss in the history of NASA." or "I believe this will be our brightest day." The course of the ship is out of my hands now. I long to hear about the successful capture of our astronauts. Conserve you food and do your best to stay warm through the very cold of space. The world is pulling for you.
Godspeed
I recently had a contact with someone from my past, yet she is unobtainable. She has cut off any and all communication with me, so I am pretty sure I know what happened. I hope that she, and the people around her, are willing to do the necessary things to grow together. Please put shame and pride aside, try to look past pain to the place healing can begin. Go there hand in hand, side by side, one step at a time. Travel the road to recovery with minds and hearts open, because if you can't change the person you are....you will only travel a circle to find yourself back here in the future.
"This can be the biggest loss in the history of NASA." or "I believe this will be our brightest day." The course of the ship is out of my hands now. I long to hear about the successful capture of our astronauts. Conserve you food and do your best to stay warm through the very cold of space. The world is pulling for you.
Godspeed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
