The virtue of being needy

     So, a friend blasted me with the idea that I am 'needy'.   I have wrestled with the idea and am struggleing with my reaction.

     I understand that I am standing in a place where I have never stood.  To finally walk away from the woman I swore to never leave after 20 years has changed me.  I have, still and always will accept my 50% of the blame and responsibility for that, yet now, at 42, I do stand alone.  Having spent so many years dying, I must somehow survive the most difficult days of my life to one day be able to live.  It has been six months since I left her, and without doubt, the help of my friends is the major reason I'm still.  If this means I am 'needy', then I must be.

     Last I checked, I am still human.  Now, many would disagree with the 'human' part, but most of those are students,parents of students or political foes made along the way.  Patience is something none of are good at.  I don't want to wait on......selling this freaking house that I can't make the mortgage payment on....trying to get back on my feet financially......sharing little things with someone special.  We all want it all...... now.

     "You find out who your friends are.  Sombody's gonna drop everything."  When I do for people, it doesn't matter if we're talking about kids, anyone at work or anyone....I'm glad I can do for them.  In the course of writing this entry, it just so happened that I talked to and worked things out with the one that called me needy.  I hold no grudge, yet take the situation as an opportunity to grow.  I have plenty of growing to do.  I look forward to the process.  No growth occurs without pain.  No one likes that part.

     I know this is a painful season of life, no matter when or where it finds you.  To my friends I thank you again, and again ask that you let me disappear from time to time.  I will get through for my kids, my friends, my work...for the one I know exists, whether I know you yet or not and again tell you that I will accept and love you unconditionally.  I will get through for me.  If there was any doubt about that, I would have never left my X.  I would have withered into the acceptance that love and happiness would only be gained through my children.  I look forward to that love and happiness, but I demand that for myself too.  I will find it or it will find me, today or tomorrow, this week or next, with patience or without, needy or not.

Unconditionally,
I love you!
dave

Tough week

     Running on empty emotionally, little hope in sight.  Getting more and more difficult to paint on the happy face every morning.  This will be like the third night in a row of being in bed by 8:00, not sure what that means. 

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

From One to Eternity

     Regardless of the result, they fight on.  The constant clatter in their ears.  Over and over, screeching, tearing, piercing their ears.  The result is affliction, of several different manifestations.  The present is darkened by the noise, with no recourse, no relief, no stopping...relentlessly sounding with no end in sight.  The only cure is night.

     Another segment of time filled with the various parts of the puzzle.  There is the one that is ever thirsty for the drink no one has.  They search for it every where, filling their minds no matter what the current presentness contains.  Their tasks include their minds filled with the desire, hunger, obsession with what they can't find, unsure of the chances of ever being given the oportunity to drink.  Knowing the bliss that would come from tasting that drink.  The drink fills their minds and they are unable to go about any task without the drink saturating their thoughts, knowing how suculent the drink is.  They have no cares for life's hidden secrets.  They know everydrink is made of different stuff, following changes and adjustments along the way.  They understand we are all a compliation of our combined experiences, good, bad, ugly and horrific.  Feeling the drink slide down into their souls, warming them from the inside out.  Catching the uncatchable, the forbidden, the unobtainable.  Being prisnors of their own creation, their own rules, their own decisions...they hunt even more.

     Another puzzle piece laments the pieces that are lost, a hole never to be filled.  Contact with those meaningful pieces exists somehow, although their physical return is impossible.  They seem to speak from beyond this world, yet their communication is intense, vivid, explosive, real in every sense of the word.  They battle the war between letting go forever and continuing on clinging to the slimmest chances.  They walk the thin line between make believe and making do.  Neither the puzzle, nor the lost pieces, are able to turn away.  The puzzle fights constant thoughts of where the pieces are, what they are doing, what they are feeling, what would happen if they were ever reunited, what would the puzzle look like after all these years.
Yet still knowing there is little fucking chance, no chance, but hope.

     Standing on uncertain ground.  One move has dozens of implications for where the next step is.  It is dizzying to think about the dominoes.  Once the first one is pushed in a certain direction, where will the chain reaction stop?  Internalizing fault, seeing none, wanting a touch, unable to reach out.  Once the first dominoe is tipped, eternity is the only place to stop, rest, commune, edify, trust, fulfill, please, love.

Unconditionally,
I love you,
dave

Mid-week

Hello love,


Was by myself at school. My parnter and both counselors were out. All things considered, it was a quiet day, which allowed me to keep shoveling out of the hole I'm in with paperwork. There was play practice after school. Started rocking a 'tired-headache' there. By the time I got home, I ate some soup and went to bed at 6:30. Got up about 2:00, so here I am. I will prolly leave here about 5:30 to go in early and do some more digging.

Getting the kids Friday evening so, I'm looking forward to that. I think of you often, wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're smiling. I see you fading away. I try to avoid allowing myself to sink into my own mind. Falling into the cognition of the facts that I can't pursue the opportunities right under my nose, or you. I finally get the door locked again...keeping reality on the other side, safe for now. Reality repressed for a while as I grab two more handfuls of school, sad that there is no safe, warm, comfortable, caring, smiling, loving, forgiving place to land.

I know.....someday.
 
Unconditionally,
I Love You.
dave

Time's answer

     You know folks, the solitude of the weekend is extremely difficult.  There are so many times I think to rech out to someone, only to decide against.  There seem to be so many complications connected with the ways I feel led.  I think to follow my heart, but often accept that if there was something to pursue...I would not be the only one pursueing it.  That is what I just left, wasted so much of my life wanting something the other person didn't.  Yet, accepting that mentally and convincing your heart are completely different.

     Is it better to go on and deal with your solutude or trying to play the games of trying to meet someone new?  I have a number of a friend of a friend that I am supposed to call.  I think, um...barely have a dollar to my name, may not until I can get out from under this barn.  With so much baggage, how do you ever make a decent first impression?  I don't know.  The other option is making a connection with someone you already know, right?  There is a silppery slope.  Am I going to cross some unknown line and get my ass in a sling?  Do I draw a line refusing to progress with anyone I work with?  Can never see myself being able to draw that line in the sand, haven't been able to yet.  Actually seems I have an affinity for the opposite.

     So, I spend my mental energy on the fence, unsure which way to go, which way to fall, contemplating how much I am willing to risk, what am I willing to deal with?, am I willing to relocate to the outskirts and with whom?, how do you handle one tender heart versus another, what needs get met, whose, for what price?  Times answer is only questions.  The pull of my heart from one unobtainable prize to another, or left to itself and the demons....they're so reliable.

unconditionally,
I love you.

dave

Trains

There are always busy, I mean crazy, days at the ole high school. They happen along once every 2-3 weeks. The stars must have all been lined up right because there were 5 days like that this week. Looking back, I missed 10/29 when I went to San Antonio to see my daughter play her last volleyball game, and I missed 10/30 at an all day training. Thusly, I was outta the office for 2 days straight. It's been my expience as an assistant principal, it takes you a week to catch up from missing a day. The highlight of my week had to be the kid with the vile of blood...sorry, no details provided.

Adding to the week was my ever precarious financial situation. X was supposed to put a check for 371 in the mail for me on 11/3. As of 11/7 it has not appeared. If it hadn't been for friends at school, I wouldn't have made it the week. I would have never made it to our playoff volleyball game in freakin' Bryan. I guess Waco, Dallas, El Paso were all booked. I am responsible for selling our old house as per the judge calling it spousal maintainence. Now, I thought that was for spousals that did not work. My X worked the past 6 years until she went crazy(er) and her doc made her stay home.

I was set up in Cleveland happy as a freaking clam 8 miles from my school. I had to move back to the house in September, because it hadn't sold. The expense of the mortgage, other house-related bills and the greatly increased gas bill is pulling me under. Just about the time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just another train.

I really try my bestest to put my happyface on and think about how others have it worse, I could have it worse, don't feel sorry for yourself, stop bitching about things that are your own fault... I am so much better at teaching yutes about getting over all their issues, not so great about dealing with my own. Suppose that's why I'm in the stew I'm in. 

Well, if ya were wonderin' why I hadn't written, all that is sorta why.  Here's a question...if you were a bug and you knew that light would zap your ass dead...would you keep flying around it.  I am sitting here texting with someone on a weekend night.  They are very dear to me, yet ....how close do I fly.

Unconditionaly,
I Love you!
dave

A visit from the Angel

Like a hit from the blindside, the angel appeared in a more real way. So many of the raw, jagged, double-edged emotions were revisited. Of course, the angel is always there, which is nice and a constant reminder of what was and what could have been, what was said and what not said.

I will always be eternally grateful to the angel and how the angel found me disfigured, dull, damaged, and destroyed. The angel reached out to me and made me whole again.....always grateful.

The angel brought heartache as well, but we learn from our setbacks, grow from our pain. Life's lessons. To be near the angel again was nice, hypnotic, yet guarded, close to the vest, cautious, business. Yet, that smile, laugh and closeness brought back what was never forgot, never far from the conscious. So, the angel comes and goes, lingers and flees, much like our hopes and dreams.

I, you, will always be shaped by our experiences. We always learn more from the ones that hurt. I continue to look for my angel, the one I can make whole and will make me whole. Whether its today, tomorrow or someday...I love you, my angel.

unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Balhday, pt. 2

Have felt physically worse as the day progressed. Considering hitting the sleep aids and turning in for the day soon. I've tried to get a handle on things emotionally. On the one hand, I feel I've lost something that meant so much. Having to back away from a situation, when I REALLY don't want to. Finding someone likeminded, that 'gets' your sense of humor. A person you share mental attraction with as well as possibilities for the 'sleighbed'?? Holy Crap, how many years did I waste with a person who didn't get my sense of humor and so much more. Now, I never had to deal with pedophiles, drug abusers or the lot, but was slowly numbed into non-existence through years of neglect. Now I see that things I have searched for and I seem to find them unobtainable, or only obtainable with too high a price.

That being said, my spirits were lifted from a somewhat celestrial source. Again, the chance to communicate with someone that means so much is priceless. I am fully aware that this opportunity can be gone in a blink of a one-eyed pirate. I also know that there is the remotest chance, it could lead to more. Vegas would never gives odds as looooong as these. I am grateful and take things one day at a time. I know you are dealing with many of the very same issues I have lived through. I wish you nothing but happiness, no matter which way you head. You are one of, if not the, most precious person I have ever known. I would love to be part of your future, but am more concerned that you achieve what you want.

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Blahday

So, I'm not sure if the day will morph into a complete pity-party, but I am allowing my self at least a part. As I was taking to someone last night, the point was made that the people that tell you something will work out are inevitable those not facing your situation. It is always a matter of being patient, which is something no one is good at or wants to be good at.
I've lost my voice, so whenever you factor in physical illness, everything is more difficult. Who the F loses their voice...that's very weak, very disappointed with myself.

I am trying to sell the house I had with my family. This is horribly frustrating. The place hasn't even shown once during the past fortnight. Trying to keep it out of foreclosure and keep myself afloat, much like illness, has an impact on how everything else is viewed. Sitting here on November 1st, trying to find a way to make it 3 weeks, ug. Also facing having to turn over all my financial records for the past 6 months to my X's lawyer because they don't believe I don't have hundred's of dollars to pay towards doctor's bills. The $1300. I pay in child support is taken from my pay automatically, but I am responsibile for half of doctor's bills.

I am NOT looking for a wife, per say. I do want to find someone one day that I can share a life with in a more healthy set of conditions that I have recently left. It seems that I am someone's punchline because the connections I make are with women that exsist just out of reach. Talking about walking through a minefield, I do not set out with the goal of 'making a connection' with this one or that one and I am not talking about sex...directly. For sure, have spelled it out here before, I am more than anything else, tactile...hand holding, playing with hair, drawing hearts on your arm or on your leg in the car as we drive, rubbing your shoulders, tracing your face as we gaze into each other's eyes, snuggleing...so many more non-sexual touches. That is something that frustrates more than anything else.

I do not write these things to make anyone feel bad. Some of you I do reference here and you may or may not see it. Please remember, this is my diary and the only real place I have to unload stuff outta my head before it explodes. To the best of my knowledge, I have and will continue to be honest with you. Honesty is priceless at this stage of my life. I'd rather experience pain than take you to a bad place. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I would rather take a chance somewhere than hide behind not wanting to get hurt. Wrong time, wrong place seems to be the theme. We have to be practicle and realistic. My friends are so dear to me. Please take this stuff for what it is, these are not subtle requests for money, sex or anything else. Life goes on, we all have to deal with the cards we're dealt.

I love and adore all of you.....

dave