Like I'm really suprised

I know what I WANT to do......
but,
I know what I SHOULD do......
soooooo,

What am I gonna do?
Strolling through an incredible minefield with the most beautiful lotus in every direction. I span the landscape to find myself in the most precarious situation, again, for the very first time. You know, everyone involved has everything to lose, but you sort of drunkingly stumble towards the danger.

I thought the break-up of my marriage was a moral diliema. Since last May I have orchestrated a string of situations...have only stepped on one landmine. At what point to you meet needs of yours/others as the danger, consequences, and heartache swell up around you?

*sigh* more lotus please.....

Unconditionally,
I love you.
dave

Welcome to the Big Top

The trip back and forth to San Antonio was fairly wretched. Easily the highlight was looking up to see my X walking into the gym toting both of my x 'monsters-in-law's'. Very nice... On a brighter note, my daughter comes in with her volleyball team, she has already seen my smokin' mini-van in the lot so she knows I'm there. She looked at me for 3-4 seconds before it clicked it was actually me behind the goatee I'm rockin' She screams 'DADDY!' and flys up to me. I had to repress the old middle-school coach in me having one of my athletes up in the stands when they weren't supposed to be.
Was good to see my crew. Will see them again on the 13th.
As for the circus I conduct. I have a friend starting something this morning that no one would look forward to. My thoughts, and so much more, are with them. In another ring, it seems my history repeats itself again. How far down the slipery-slope this time. How do you balance morality, the wonderful and rare feelings with someone and the possible bombs waiting to go off. Am I really such a weak person, really just a pile of goo behind the professionality I portray?
More to write, but no time. Long ass day ahead, but at least not behind the wheel. Que the clowns....

Unconditionally,
I love you all SO much!
dave

Busy...

I am off of work today. Later this morning I am driving to San Antonio to see my daughter play in last volleyball game. Its about 4 hours one way from where I live to where my X took my kids off to. I am planning on taking the 4 of them to dinner after she plays. When we finish, I will be headed back to Houston. I am involved in a 'New Administrator Cohort'. Somewhat ironic since I have 3 years as an administrative intern and am in my second full year as an assistant principal. The cohort only meets 5 times, was expensive, so I need to be there Friday.

When cohort is finished, I'll head back to my school through the Friday night football game. I get to sleep in Saturday morning...lifesaver! Our volleyball girls have a playoff warm-up match at 2:00 Saturday that I will be at.

Saturday is of course, Halloween. I have never really had much use for it. There are some plans for Saturday night. I am not sure if there will be tricks or treats...so called, Arthur King....

Sunday-couch, football, hopefully not too much cheese-nibbling.

Unconditionally.
I love u,
dave.

Raining and Pouring

Rainy and dark all day...made me think.
Checking, hoping for and not.
Thinking with my mind's eye, lost in a fairy tale,
Once upon a time,
...for Eternity.

Unconditionally, now and forever.
I love you,
dave

Grattitude for your attitude

In the experiences of our lives, no matter the type, they all shape who we are and affect where we go. Without the peaks and valleys, we don't grow and become the agent to impact the lives of others...either personally or professionally. Some things suck...some things suck for a very long time, but they are necessary. I don't want to change who I am, and I use my experiences to hopefully produce some good in the present.

To my friends who go out of your way to try to make sure I will survive...I will. You surely know I will have ups and downs, good days and bad. Hopefully you see more good than bad, but the bad days are important too. We all need to disappear from time to time. You are priceless, and you will find me there in your time of need. I am grateful for those who have helped me take steps towards healing, and I carry you with me always. Who know what tomorrow holds, but we'll get through it together.

Unconditionally,
I love you,
Dave

When you can't hide...hope's tragic illusion.

The days of rest, away from the everyday. Where anyone can be anything, anytime, anywhere. Without the distractions of one million different battles to fight, noses to wipe, shoulders to pat, hands to shake, characters to shape, futures to reveal and scars to heal...we are left without our own facades, with little choice but to entertain the valleys, darknesses and unspoken parts of our own selves.

The day is unencubmered by anything. Crispness in the air and a sunshine fit for rebirth and newness, surely goodness. I deal with the stresses of the monthly and trying to arrange the smoke and mirrors to make it another 30 days. During the 90 minute car ride, the music plays...manipulating various memories, feelings and emotions both positively and negatively. I spend so much time looking for the places to retreat to in the attempts of not reliving things over for the 3 thousandth time. I ask and ask, why does the unabailability of someone thrust me in a certain direction.

Perhaps even with my ex-wife. Her inability to share herself, certainly unavailable for so much of out marriage. As that relationship actively died, I embark on a series of further unavailable people. Deep, intense become words that are trite and cliche. Gouges made with dull butter knives.

I sliced my thumb opening a plastic package today. As I drove on, applying pressure...the thumb throbed. I would check and take the napkin off the cut only to see the bright red blood begin to seep from the cut for near an hour. Finally, it stopped. Then when I am about 3 minutes from the dump, I move my thumb worng and the crimson pours out again.
It's much like the emotions I juggle everyday. Sealed and healed for a time only to entertain the wrong idea, see the wrong person, entertain the wrong hope...the pain spills again.

For someone who has such solid advice for my students, I seem to never be able to practice what I preach. Perhaps it is the Devine punchline. I allow my heart to go places with people that have no chance in hell of being healty or smart, yet...I am powerless to fight. How long will the illusion of hope find audience with me? However, to really move on past the sea of unavailibility I am adept at rowing my boat into, there has to be a new focus of/for emotions. I am tired of hurting people, but I am even more starved for company, contact, something healthy and fulfilling.

It is actually really frustrating...people I really care for...several, but no chance in hell. Who does that, how do I do that?
I am a person with a full bag of presents, no one to give them too and the bag of presents only gets heavier.

unconditionally,
I love u,
Dave

The Pure of Heart

Unlucky is the child gone wrong,
The child long gone.
And once the child passes on, there is no return.
Yet, the pure of heart fear not.
For the legends have yet to be named,
And the heros have yet to step from the darkness.
But step they will.
They will soar to the heights reached only by the brave,
Only by the true.
But you speak of confidence.
Confidence is only the fruit of experience.
You are your own worst enemy.
To try is the factor.
Pass or fail is no matter.
Experience is success.
So I offer this to you, child.
Experience what you will.
Try what suits you.
Set no limits on your bounds,
And you will be the legend,
You will be the hero,
And you will be the pure of heart.

This happens to be something I wrote a long freakin time ago. It was written to a single person, but as I have re-encountered it...I see it has meaning in a great many areas.

It has meaning for me....

whatever your condition, unconditionally!
I love you,
dave